[ickydog2006]

I've been getting sick often which has heightened my sense of confusion, but mainly I feel like I'm in this almost constant state of confusion. I've wanted to post on this for a while, but it's hard getting my thoughts in order. Since meds took away the hallucinations I have a hard time making connections and following my train of thought, especially if it's long or complex. It's like I will be trying to come up with a solution or answer or conclusion and my train hits this invisible wall, and I can't get past it. It startles me, I forget where I was, start the thought over again, and get blocked, almost always before or in the same spot. When people talk to me, I get confused. I can't follow long or complex sentences either. My husband will sometimes have to repeat the same sentence over and over again, in a row, and I'll ask him to do it slowly. Usually with enough times I can follow it, sometimes we give up, or he simplifies it. It's been really upsetting to me lately especially when trying to establish what I want to do about meds. I just can't think, and I keep hitting these blocks, and then I get upset, because I really want to figure things out, but I can't. I don't even know if I"m making any sense. I have also been numbed out of most things. I honestly kind of prefer that because I can't handle the depression, but not feeling happiness is making it really hard for me to understand and relate to others. I'm very distressed right now, is the best way I can describe it. Does anyone know what I'm talking about. Are there even any solutions possible.

I know EXACTLY what you are going through... I have bipolar symptoms, so I find that when I go through these, the issue has reversed itself sometimes. So I'll just tell you what I try to do when I'm going through a bad spell.

It's really hard & really frustrating, so I'm not telling you this with a light heart. But try doing puzzles. Whether it's word puzzles, math puzzles, or riddles.

Start small & go bigger. I find crosswords & sudoku really helpful when I feel my brain has gone totally retarded. Because I go through this a lot.

For the longest time, I pacified myself using movies & tv... But since my last spell of this, I've been trying to do something to fix it instead. And it's trying on my patience, but I know it's worth it. I used to be a gifted kid. 147 cumulative IQ score. And I can barely understand a complete sentence sometimes? It's demoralizing, no matter where you are on the spectrum of intelligence.

I also must mention that walking, even a slow walk outside, really gets my brain working correctly again. Even a little bit. You might try that sometime, too?

[ I hope me cutting my paragraphs into little pieces helps your comprehension! I really benefit from that sometimes. It's funny, almost, how many of your experiences feel like mine... Feel better soon, hun! ]

[KUREHA]

Hope you feel better soon

[ickydog2006]

Thanks Shay and K. I should start getting back to sudoku, I think I could do that, because it's smaller segments at a time. ANy thing that I have to think ahead real far is completely out. We do share a lot of things Shay. I too was an extremely gifted child. By first grade I was going around to other classes doing presentations, I was reading college level in middle school, and passed Calculus with an A my freshman year of highschool. All of this was really hard because of the mental challenges I faced, OCD and hallucinations that I knew to hide and not tell people about (or thought were normal),Panic Disorder and Conversion disorder developed around middle school. ANd everything has just gotten worse over time despite 10 years of therapy. The only thing that seems to keep me semi sane is my belief in God and Christianity, and various medication attempts. There are always so many side effects that its always a sacrifice, it's just which sacrifice gives me the best and most fulfilling life. I don't think I ever shoved my intelligence in other peoples faces, but I was very proud of what I was capable of accomplishing. Now it's hard to even communicate sometimes, and I don't know how to deal with that. I never thought I'd have to sacrifice so much to keep from hurting myself or others. I hate this. Today has been a bit better. Yesterday afternoon I was able to speak more again, and sex and lots of leep last night seems to have cleared my head some. But I know that all could change in the blink of an eye.I feel like I"m in this constant battle with my mind. I know I'm intelligent and creative and well spoken, it just feels like most of the time it's locked inside me and I can't get to it.