seeds in my mind

I don't know where they came from.
Somehow seeds were planted in my mind that try to prevent me from doing things out of fear that I'm not 'suppose' to. It makes me think of mind control and brainwashing. Maybe not literally but maybe abuse form somewhere did this to me. It's so frustrating. I'll get the idea to do something but all of a sudden I'm looking around, afraid and paranoid because I feel I'm not suppose to. I keep doing the things anyway but it's not helping the feeling lessen and I end up panicking and shaking like a leaf by the end of it all.
Just to give an example: physical exercise is one of those things that cause me to get really paranoid. Just looking at workout routines on youtube for ideas has me really really freaked out.
WTF is wrong with me?

volatile

*Willow*

I try to focus on the fact nothing bad has happened yet. Idk why I'm still so anxious. I refuse to avoid these things. idk how to deal with this.

Hope you feel better soon

i have tried a million and one times to explain about things that i am "supposed" or not supposed to do or "allowed" or "NOT allowed" to do and i don't seem to make any sense. but maybe this is like what you are saying?
the best way i have found to counteract these is to just throw myself full force into whatever it is i am not allowed to do, but i really don't always have the courage or strength to do this.
i empathize.

I agree with Gr3tta's response.

Has there ever been someone who played a large part in your life that tried to hold you back somehow? From being an individual or taking care of yourself? Perhaps an enabler of your stress/breakdowns? Maybe it is a way of them manifesting in your life. Instead as a memory of them, as a completely autonomous version of their criticisms has bored its way into your head & is making you scared to do very normal things.

Either way, feel better soon.

My mother was always controlling to the point of abuse. I remember for probably three years as a kid I was forced to ask her to do anything, even use the bathroom in my own home. I was terrified of making her mad or doing something wrong. I was also physically abused by my father when I did anything different, espeically as a teenager, like cut my hair or dye it another color.
I'm living with them right now so I guess that's not helping me get over it since I'm reliving all the abuse subconsciously and even a lot of the time consciously. My mother is also still a horribly disgusting human being. (I sometimes really believe these people are not my family and I was maybe just kidnapped by them to be abused and tortured.)
They don't even acknowledge what they did to me was wrong. If I even imply that they abused me, my mom espeically, tries to throw a guilt trip on me about it like I'm the bad guy for making her feel bad for treating me like a dog my entire life. They are horrible horrible people. It's really no wonder I am psychologically disturbed.

Thaaaaaaaaaaaaat would explain why this is surfacing. *hugs* I hope you get away from those disgusting people at the earliest possible opportunity. Just because you are related by blood, it doesn't mean you should be forced to endure anything even remotely like that. Not even in retrospect. Sorry to hear that had happened to you... I was abused, too, but nothing NEAR that intensity. :/

My brother always tells me, If I have not done anything wrong, then I have nothing to worry about. And I always tell him, that's not the point. They are
messing with my freedom, and it is unconstitutional. There is no freedom any more. With the Patriot Act, that has been stripped away.Profiling is a load of crap. There is nothing that can be done to change this. The louder you yell, the worse it gets. So I give up. I'll take the ******** meds, and just try to live the best I know how.