[junkDNA]

i'm not really sure anymore, i mean, yeah the television still teaches me methods to kill myself and, yeah, the radio still has a running commentary on what i do (like the morning jock shows that are mostly just laughing and commercial breaks). but, yeah, the paranoia and the fear, yeah, it's all still there.

yeah i take my meds now. i didn't last week. i spent 6 days awake basically. i learned a lot from it, naturally. we are always learning from our experiences but sometimes we aren't aware of it. the knowledge that accompanies overcoming some obstacle can be accessible though, if we choose to plant that seed into our minds.

what i'm trying to say is, whether i take these bull **** meds or whether i throw them away, what does it really matter?

either way i'm just....

"incapacitated" and "disabled"

on one hand, if i take the meds, i'm a mental zombie with no thoughts and i sleep often

on the other hand, if i chuck them out, i'm wide awake and thriving with ideas and concepts and creativity

which one do you think i prefer?
which one would you prefer?

nevermind,
scratch that,
doesn't matter.

T comes back tomorrow. not sure how he will handle all of this. i suspect some part of him hoped that the "psychosis" would have faded over these past 10 days that he was gone...

but i also suspect that some part of him hoped it hadn't...

i'll probably just say hi. we aren't scheduled to meet. i won't linger around his office or anything. i won't lean on his doorframe while he is at his desk, typing, and ask him questions about his backpacking trip. i won't sit down on his burgandy couch and play with his toys. i'll answer him when he asks how i am with a "fine" and smile that fake grin, no teeth but forced just enough to garnish my eyes with a gleam....

yeah, i perfected imitating sanity long ago...

i used to know..
what it was like..
to be a part of the routine.

you don't forget something so mundane.

[enchanted]

hey im sorry that your feeling so lost and confused. I cant imagine how it feels to be so lost but i do suffer realy badly with anxiety and panic so i do know what it feels like to be scared all the time, im not a dr but i think it takes more than 10 days to realy feel the benifits of your meds, i think there is an adjustment period and sometime you can fel even worse than you did before you started taking them, maybe you should give them a chance and see how you feel. If your worried about feeling numb and empty of creative drive maybe you could talk to your T about changing meds?? sorry i couldnt be more help, feel free to come talk anytime.
Look after yourself

[junkDNA]

thank you....
i have been on these particular meds for a long time...

costs vs. benefits.... the...
pros. vs. the cons....

the...
venn diagrams with

no center graph