I am very afraid. I don't know who I can trust, even myself. I am afraid I am slipping away. I am afraid I am not safe from demons and demons living inside people. Those demons really want to torture me, and they are torturing me. I cannot stop crying. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I feel like if I take a shower, I am being selfish to take care of my own body and then God will hate me and I will go to hell forever and no one will ever love me and my life will have been a waste of space and time. I am very worried. No one. There is no one. I am alone. In a crowded mind. I don't want to be friends with invisible people or people who are like ghosts. I don't need fake things. I am afraid that I might not be able to do the things that I am responsible for. Like saving the world. The world needs me. So I will keep breathing. Anybody know how to feel better. I do not take medication because I am certain that it is poison. I believe that if I take any medication whatsoever I will go to hell or God will not love me as much. I don't believe my brain is defective. But I am suffering. I cannot function in this world, but I am in this world, not of this world. help if there is any.

[costello]

How long have you been feeling this way, lightbulb? I read your profile, and it seemed very positive.

Let's see. I felt great all week. I was conquoring all my enemies. Then suddenly, I realized that all my fears were real and that I was not safe at all and what the heck was I doing walking around all free, as if there was no danger. This started happening very strongly about 30 hours ago and I have not slept or eaten since. But I started smoking tobacco again because there is no relief and i'm going to die someday anyways. I have quit all alcohol drinking 7 months ago and I am just trying to make it in a dog eat dog world. I really thought I would go to hell if I smoked but I will just have to wait and see.

[costello]

I'm so sorry things have gotten hard recently. I doubt it's permanent. It will get better again. Hang tight.

Did something happen 30 hours ago that might have triggered this? Any stressors? Anything that might have reminded you of old traumas?

I think you're wise to stay away from the alcohol. I doubt a little smoking will hurt if it's making you feel calmer while you work through this. I can't imagine God would object either.

Well, what happened was I was beginning to have a nervous break down about a month or two ago. A tragedy occured to my family, and I am forced to live through it. My body is alive, but I can't vouch for any other live things. Then I had someone to help me take care of everything. My husband. But he had to go back to work full-time or else we don't have a house to live in and we would be homeless. I tried my best to return to my new normal. I was finding that I was crying continually. I was not able to take care of my family or me. So I decided that I would investigate a vitamin called Sam-e. It says that it improves mood. I thought, what do I have to lose. I started taking it. Wow! It was amazing! I would still have moments of sadness, but it was not overwhelming. I was cleaning my home very nicely! I was making all kinds of meals that everyone loved to eat! I was putting on makeup and brushing my hair all by myself. Then, about 30 hours ago. Someone came to me and told me that I was really doing drugs. That I should just buck up and feel all the pain. That I should never allow that substance to enter me ever again, or I would be on my way to hell. So I thought, wow. This is pretty serious offense. I better straighten up. So I stopped taking it. then yesterday I was not good at doing the things I was supposed to do and everyone is suffering because of my inadequacy and my heart really really really really really really really really hurts. I can't stop crying again. I am not able to brush my hair anymore. Now no one will ever love me ever again. all i see is angels of light and angels of darkness fighting a war all around me and I don't know who's winning or if I am going to hell for typing this. I am not a good person. I was just pretending to be one.

[costello]

Sounds like you're having a really hard time.

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

Then, about 30 hours ago. Someone came to me and told me that I was really doing drugs.

Who told you that? A flesh and blood person or a hallucination? Either way, they're wrong IMO. Sam-e is a supplement, not a drug. if it was helping your mood, why not take it?

That I should just buck up and feel all the pain.

I hate the expression 'buck up.' I do think there's wisdom in working through pain by allowing yourself to experience it sometime, but if it's overwhelming you, you need to get help.

When my shoulder was hurting me, I just took a pain killer and kept working out - which was stupid because the pain was trying to tell me to rest a bit until it had healed up some. Psychic pain, like physical pain, is there for a reason. It's telling you something. So it's best to learn to work with it some. BUT ... if it's overwhelming and there's something that can help, why not take it? God gives us the medications and supplements too. Obviously you don't want to use them in a way that keeps you from getting stronger. But they can be used as a tool.

everyone is suffering because of my inadequacy

I don't know. We all have our strong points and weak points.

Now no one will ever love me ever again.

That seems unlikely.

I am not a good person. I was just pretending to be one.

One of my son's therapists said once, "Fake it 'til you make it." Maybe pretending to be a good person is the first step to really being one?

Very good advice. Thank you. Your words do make sense. I hope you are not offended by my suspicion. It is not meant to offend, but to protect, but sometimes it is a deceiver. I have been deceived many times and done things that were not right, but I thought they were the right things to do. That is how I came to the conclusion that things and people and me are not trustworthy. But I have also been amazed at the truth that exists in some people's words and ideas. I think I will conclude that the person who came to me, I do not know them, they are not in my family, they are not in a human body, why should I trust them anyhow, they are not God. I can tell the difference between good and evil most of the time and I believe that this person desired to harm me and I accidentally believed them but I realize it now and I will return to the regiment of the supplement that I was taking formerly before this happened and be happy and coping with life on life's terms again. I will choose to believe that God is not going to damn me for making this choice, because I love Him with all of my heart soul mind and strength, and He loved me first. I accept that love and if the Creator of the Universe loves me, what do I have to fear anyway. I guess that person was sent to me to try to decieve me because I was overcoming in my life and serving the Lord by serving my family and being available mentally to love them and help them through this crisis as well. I am a very important person to my family. They would not be as well off without me. So I am going to reject the ideas that that person planted in my mind, pluck those thoughts up by the roots and cast them into the fire. They will be utterly burned. Then the mind that is left in me will be restored by The Lord Jesus Christ and we will all live happily ever after. Yay! Thanks my friend! TTYL!!!

[costello]

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

I hope you are not offended by my suspicion.

I'm not offended. I think it's wise to be cautious.

I think I will conclude that the person who came to me, I do not know them, they are not in my family, they are not in a human body, why should I trust them anyhow, they are not God.

That's true. Don Miguel Ruiz says that we have access to information from other dimensions (I can't remember his exact words, and it's not something I've ever experienced, so I can't say if it's true or not). He says we always have the choice to believe or disbelieve what others tell us - even if that "other" is in another dimension. It sounds like you've been mislead by this other person.

I am a very important person to my family.

Yes, a mother of small children is extremely important. You need to take care of yourself, so you can talk care of them. I wish I'd known that when my son was small.

[Gr3tta]

i'm sorry you have been having such scary feelings. please do take care of yourself. i hope you have begun to feel a bit better?

Well, after I recieved that advice, I took a leap of faith and took a dosage of sam-e. I cried for about 2 hours. Then, I went to go visit my mom and my sister and my neices. They live next door to eachother. I packed a bag for our necessities while we would be gone. I brought a half a gallon of whole milk and a cup with a lid for my son Judah. I brought a diaper bag and extra clean clothes. I arranged the children in our car, and put their seat belts on and put the baby in his carriage/car seat. I drove down the way to my sister's house, stayed within the lines on the road. There were distractions, but I ignored them entirely. I arrived. We all hugged and the kids played together. My sister tells us the news of her husband being arrested and incarcerated. She is happy. She had wanted him out a long time ago, his sins caused the police to have the right to take him away. My sister is a Registered Nurse at a nursing home. I am very proud of her. anyhoo, She needed a babysitter for her 3 daughters since her husband is no longer available to care for his children while she is at work. Two are in school, one is 3 years old. She signed her up for full time daycare. It starts Tuesday. So she needed me and our mom to stay with the kiddos for the day. She left. I decided, the best thing to do in a situation like this, is chop lettuce and tomatoes into beautiful pieces, small and perfect. We cracked eggs and the kids stirred them. I taught them how to make some simple but nutritious tacos. They loved it, and we all had a great time. Then my mom and me talked. She knows me like not anyone else could. She said, I know what has happened has hurt you Glinda. I love you. I understand. I could not stop crying like a baby. I thought it would never end. But it did. Then we all took a nap. When we woke up, life seemed a lot better. I felt more competent. My confidence returned. My faith was restored. I was happy. We loaded up the kids, and we happily sang songs to the Lord on the drive home. My mom bought me a two week supply of nicotine patches. That was really sweet of her. So I'm off tobacco again, ready to walk on water. We can do this!!! Thanks for all of the support in my time of need. Yall are wonderful and I am grateful <3

[costello]

It sounds like a great day. Visiting with family and cooking tacos with kids. Followed by a nap.

[Gr3tta]

how awesome was that! i'm so glad things are going better. thanks for updating us. also, that sounds like a good taco idea! i put all kinds of odd, cheap, but delicious things in taco shells.

Yes! Today was an even greater day! I have concluded that I shall continue to supplement with Sam-e. It does no harm, does not contain chemicals, doesn't require a prescription from a doctor, is cheap, and it also has the benefit of improving joint mobility and cleansing the liver of toxins (according to the box lol). During certain periods of one's life, I believe it is ok, even a blessing, to have something to help. I was afraid that if I continued supplementing with sam-e, that various bad things would happen. That has been proved a big fat lie to me. I am right as rain with a little help from sam-e. It does not make me a drug addict or a devil worshipper lol, as I feared. I am currently in recovery for years of drug and alcohol abuse, 7 months clean. Meanwhile, I had a lifetime of trauma that I had been repressing the pain etc. from. I naturally dissociated my personality in order to cope, along with drugs and alcohol. When I got sober, all that pain and trauma was still there, and new stuff along the way that added up. I have to grieve what has been lost fully, be released of the chains of yesterday, and continue my current responsibilities, sober. It is almost impossible for me to function, as I have seen lately, without the help of something like sam-e. The difference is night and day to me and my family, and probably evident in my cries for help lol. I will continue taking sam-e, process my past, grow and mature. Glad I found pc. It has been a good place to learn and heal.

[costello]

I've heard good things about sam-e before. I'm glad you're finding it useful. I've thought about trying it myself before. Right now I'm feeling pretty good.

And my son has some vitamin regimen of his own going on right now. Not sure what it is, but he's swallowing lots of pills - fish oil and vitamins C and D, I think, and primrose oil? Apparently they were recommended by the book his pdoc asked him to read.

I really think that when we take care of ourselves we send a message to our subconscious that we're worth taking care of. When we abuse ourselves, we send the opposite message to ourselves.

I'm glad you're dealing with the abuse you received as a child.

Thanks my friend. I read on your profile you are here to receive support for your son. I hope life is treating him well. If he is battling with schizophrenia, I can attest to the strength and patience and understanding it takes to be a supportive family member. He is very blessed to have you. My Aunt Tonnie is a paranoid schizophrenic. We have taken care of her for 18 years, since her illness became full-blown. It requires an almost unlimited amount of kindness, lots of financial support, constant structure. My mom has taken care of her. My mom takes care of people a lot. I commend your "stick-to-it-ive-ness". He is sure to benefit greatly, even if it seems he gets worse. I think my aunt, although a severe case, would be worse off with no support from family. It does make a difference.

[costello]

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

Thanks my friend. I read on your profile you are here to receive support for your son. I hope life is treating him well.

Thanks, lightbulb. He seems to be doing very well lately. We've been lowering and lowering the dose of his anti-psychotic for about a year and a half now - trying to find the lowest effective dose. We dropped it a tiny, tiny bit a month ago - from 5 mg to 4.375 mg. I did see a bit more paranoia, but he seems to be coping well.

I feel like if a person is overmedicated, he can't learn to cope with his challenges or deal with his issues. AP's are tranquillizers; they deaden emotions. My son hasn't been really effective at handling his emotions in the past. It's something he can learn though. But only if the emotions are allowed to come up, so he can 'practice' with them.

Anyway he's been getting out more lately - hanging out with a friend and going to a peer support organization. Especially since the last decrease in dosage, he's been out more. This friend he's going out with is an old drinking buddy, and they've been spending some time in bars. My son says he's not drinking at all, and so far I'm trusting him.

So, on Saturday he was out with his buddy, and he calls me to say that his friend is deliberately trying to irritate him by asking him the same question over and over. I hope his friend really isn't doing that. Sometimes when my son is feeling irritable he thinks other people are deliberately trying to irritate him - when they're not. I told him it was good chance to learn to deal with irritation, but if it's too much, just don't hang out with that guy. In the past my son has gotten into physical fights with friends, when he didn't know how to handle the situation.

He told me on Saturday evening that this friend jokes around about killing people. You know, like saying, "If I told you that, I'd have to kill you." My son knows it's a joke, but he doesn't find it funny, and it disturbs him. I guess the friend has joked about putting out hits on my son's family - in other words, me. One thing that really upsets my son is the thought of my death. So he really really really doesn't think that's funny.

Anyway he stayed home the last two evenings. I hope he can find some more mature people to hang out with. Problem is, he's the right age - 27 - when most people his age have jobs and families and don't have a lot of time to hang out and socialize.

Wow, I have a lot in common with your son. I am 28. I avoid social situations at all costs. I don't know how he survived in the bars. I used to drink, but alone at home. He must have gained confidence by being with a friend. Those types of statements are very disturbing. I cannot stand certain "non-chalant" sayings that humanity chooses to use myself. I think choosing your words and meaning them wholeheartedly is a better way to live. I don't control others, so I control which "others" I allow myself to be present with. I used to cope with life by drinking and smoking weed. It seemed to take the edge off. It must be similar to APs. But you are right, It did not teach me the skills I needed to cope independently. I wonder if your son would benefit from something like the internet forums here at psych central. I used to be terrified of the internet. We have had a Personal Computer in our home, I would not turn it on or use it. I was certain evil existed within and I didn't want to open that can of worms. I would dust it occasionally, when necessary, but then feel guilty for touching it. I don't know what happened, but I faced my fear one letter at a time. I am still very suspicious and cautious online, but no longer afraid to use this tool. I have benefited from psych central in that, I know that I am not alone. I do not see psychiatrists or take "medication", (sorry for the parenthesis) but you know I've been taking sam-e and it has really helped me. You can probably notice a marked difference. I feel my mind and heart healing, teaching me the right way to live and think. I went to the beach yesterday. I was afraid and paranoid. I worked it out, and ended up having a wonderful time. Your son sounds like a very wonderful man. We are in a very harsh society. If you don't shave down your triangle soul to fit a circle society, you are shunned and publicly ridiculed at times, and certainly cannot be at ease amongst fellow mortals. That can be overcome. You are very wise and loving, and I believe your son will succeed.

[costello]

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

I used to cope with life by drinking and smoking weed.

My son did too.

It did not teach me the skills I needed to cope independently.

Yep. That's the problem. I'm encouraging my son to push just a bit past his comfort zone, so he can gain confidence and get stronger. I love this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt:

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

I think the key is to go slowly and not get overwhelmed. I'm really proud of him and how hard he's working on his recovery.

I wonder if your son would benefit from something like the internet forums here at psych central.

I've suggested it. He knows I'm active here. Every once in a while he'll ask how newtus or Kureha is doing. He's gone to other forums and tried to get into reading the posts - although he's never posted himself, or even set up an account. I just don't think he's into it.

I went to the beach yesterday. I was afraid and paranoid. I worked it out, and ended up having a wonderful time.

That's the way to do it. A little at a time and being kind to yourself the whole way.

Your son sounds like a very wonderful man. We are in a very harsh society. If you don't shave down your triangle soul to fit a circle society, you are shunned and publicly ridiculed at times, and certainly cannot be at ease amongst fellow mortals. That can be overcome. You are very wise and loving, and I believe your son will succeed.

He is a nice guy. And he's more extraverted than I am. He'd like to have an active social life. But, as you say, it's a bit hard being a square peg in a round hole. Plus, his self-esteem is so low. He thinks there's something wrong with him, so he puts up with unacceptable behavior from other people.

I was too! I put up with people who would take advantage of me financially, emotionally and all kinds of ways because a part of me was grateful that anyone would even be associated with me. I have changed little by little. I have isolated myself from society for the most part.

When I do go out of my house, it is to the grocery store across the street (wal-mart) and I always use the self check out, even if I have 100$ worth of food or more. It is not worth it to me to face a random stranger who is potentially going to judge me, harass me, or cause such great anxiety, even if they do a better faster job at checking me out. I do not make eye contact on most occasions.

When driving, I turn my rear view mirror away from my eyes, except when I'm backing up. Just seeing a car following me from behind or even worse, a herd of traffic, makes me absolutely filled with angst. Then I am vulnerable to driving recklessly to get away from those cars; like speeding really fast etc. or swerving into another lane to get away. Police along the way also create strong paranoia. I am afraid a police officer will stop me for any reason, even if I am following the law, and he has the power to throw me in prison and then I would be at the mercy of a godless judge whose motive is to incarcerate me for indefinite time periods, mercilessly. My whole family would be ripped away from me. So I rather avoid that risk at all costs.

I go 4 places normally:

Place 1.) Wal-mart-see above rules for survival through that.

Place 2.) Church. I used to avoid church thinking I was doing just fine at home. Two months ago I started going again. I work through my suspicions and end up grateful that I went. I have not been disappointed yet.

Place 3.) My mom and sister's houses (who live next door to each-other, so it's like only going one place.) They are safe people for me to visit. I know the way there and back. I like visiting them. I can choose when to visit and when to leave. Sometimes we go months without seeing eachother though. This has improved in the last two months though.

Place 4.) My children's school. It is just down the street we live on, very close to our wal-mart.

I try to mentally prepare myself for each place I go. I am not a person who can spontaneously exit my home, even in my own yard. I need to know who will surround me. The potential dangers. I need to be prepared financially to meet all minimum requirements of the trip's potential. These things have helped me to still be able to enter society when necessary. I do not choose to step foot outside my home hap-hazardously. I joke, "Mama only gets dressed for emergencies", meaning, I will only exit my home if absolutely necessary for the well-being of my household. I like having control over my whereabouts. It has been working lately.

I also have had physical altercations with others at times when I was under the impression it was the only reasonable solution. I have since grown. I made a decision that physical violence only causes problems, never solves them. I think it comes from a frustration to communicate and be understood, and then anger erupts when all seems to have failed. Then a primal instinct arises, and you ultimately end up with regrets. It was a learning experience.

We are lucky to be supported by understanding and compassionate people. I am proud of you and how you have been there for your son. My mom is wonderful in many ways, but I do find I crave her to at least attempt to accept that I have schizophrenia. She believes it is only a curse that I can "turn off" by praying. In part I believe, but the battle rages on regardless of times of relief from prayer.

When I was diagnosed with childhood schizophrenia when I was 17, the doctors told my mom I would never EVER be productive in any way in society. They damned me, so to speak, and you know what? They were absolutely wrong. I have made mistakes. But our lives are only wasted if we give up hope. Even then, we did serve a purpose. I have made great strides, and my hope is reignited with every small success. Your son sounds like he has all the elements necessary for success. An understanding parent who supports him greatly, a heart of gold, and hope. That is all I believe is necessary for a recipe for success. =)

[costello]

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

It is not worth it to me to face a random stranger who is potentially going to judge me, ...

That's one of the things my son says, "I feel like people are judging me."

I always have to ask, "You mean negatively?" I mean, people can judge you and decide they like you, right?

2.) Church. I used to avoid church thinking I was doing just fine at home. 2 months ago I started going again. I work through my suspicions and end up grateful that I went. I have not been disappointed yet.

Don't get discouraged if you have a bad experience sometime. Just keep going. That's something else I have to remind my son a lot: there are bad times and good times, things will always get better, then worse, then better, then worse, ...

I also have had physical altercations with others at times when I was under the impression it was the only reasonable solution.

I've noticed my son gets into these situations when he's feeling physically trapped as well as emotionally trapped. You know? Once he was in a girl's apartment and he felt attacked (not physically, but emotionally). She was between him and the door and wouldn't let him pass. They got into a fight, and he broke her table by falling against it.

Another time he and a friend were drinking and watching tv, and the friend started poking him in the stomach saying he was fat - which he's actually very thin, so the friend was joking. But he wouldn't stop when my son asked him to repeatedly. They ended up in a fight, and the other guy had his tooth chipped. That ended the friendship - which my son regrets.

When I ask him why he does these things, he just says, "I didn't know what to do."

My mom is wonderful in many ways, but I do find I crave her to at least attempt to accept that I have schizophrenia.

I guess none of us is perfect. My son doesn't believe he has an illness called sz.

I wonder if your mother's denial of your illness as been part of your success? It's easy to get socialized to the sick role and give up trying. If you accept that you're ill and have to lower your expectations, you're likely to achieve less. Maybe?

She believes it is only a curse that I can "turn off" by praying. In part I believe, but the battle rages on regardless of times of relief from prayer.

I do believe it will be an ongoing battle for my son too. I also believe it will get easier with time. The older you get, the better you know yourself. You'll know what situations set you off, the early signs you're not doing well and what to do to cope. Plus, as you get older, a lot of stuff just doesn't upset you as much when you were younger. I was annoyed with my new neighbor last week, so I called my 82 year old mom to complain. She said, "It's always something, isn't it?" That put it in perspective. There's always something to make you mad or sad or scared. And then that thing's behind you, and there's something else.

But our lives are only wasted if we give up hope.

Very well said.

I guess I just feel that my mom believes that if we accept something that has a name, that she will be subject to the stigma that she has somehow caused this. The stigma that came along when my brother committed suicide 3 years ago has been harsh and unforgiving. We are viewed to have contributed to his death, empathy is denied from others as well, as if sharing concern for our family will somehow cause others to partake in the perceived failures that must have caused this to occur.

Countless factors are what added up to our "results" so to speak, and it is unwise for others to perceive otherwise. Unfortunately, this makes no difference in the way life has unfolded to our family. I agree that accepting a diagnosis is often times more harmful than denying it. I do not accept this diagnosis, and never have. When I have been hospitalized, or was under psychosis, I have been labeled by doctors and others as schizophrenic. That's what they call it.

I have only, (in the last 6 days here on psych central exclusively) allowed myself to fall into this classification because I do not fit anywhere else as well otherwise and this is the department here where I have been understood the best. I first began posting in other forums here and I felt I was being shunned, even by the other "mentally ill" people lol. People were responding to my posts saying "This makes no sense to me" and "You are full of sh**" etc. I even had one particular thread removed a few days ago by a moderator, and I was told that this is not the place for such things to be expressed. I cried, but I had to accept it.

Then I came to this area. I looked in this division, since I was told I had this "illness" by doctors, and sowed my seeds. I have been more comfortable and understood here, and I understand the others here as well. I completely agree with your son. I absolutely reject the name schizophrenia, except when trying to communicate effectively with other human beings on what the nature of my "ailment" is. But simply denying that there is anything wrong but my own sin, as my mother has chosen to believe, has not helped either.

I love her and I accept her decisions, but at the same time it distances us because I cannot at all show any mental weakness in her presence. It literally drives her to hatred and condemnation of me. That adds to my confusion. Anyhoo, I accept what the table before me includes, and I try to choose what I can bite off and chew wisely. Since I have also denied there was any turmoil whatsoever in my life for 11 years, my results were alcoholism, isolation, secret psychosis, and just plain old squashing of my spirit and person-hood. I am allowing myself to be me. Even if others choose to call me schizophrenic.

[costello]

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

I guess I just feel that my mom believes that if we accept something that has a name, that she will be subject to the stigma that she has somehow caused this.

Yes, I do understand that kind of pain. And, you're right, people are very blaming of parents.

Countless factors are what added up to our "results" so to speak, and it is unwise for others to perceive otherwise.

I so agree. It's the whole square peg in the round hole thing, isn't it? If someone doesn't fit the way we think they should, we tend to blame them or ask what's wrong with them. Maybe nothing's really wrong with them. Maybe there's just a bad fit.

I first began posting in other forums here and I felt I was being shunned, even by the other "mentally ill" people lol.

I'm sorry you had that experience.

But simply denying that there is anything wrong but my own sin, as my mother has chosen to believe, has not helped either.

In my son's case I do think there's something wrong (although I don't think it has anything to do with sin), I just wonder if it's a physical illness. I can't say that it's not a physical illness, but I can't say for sure that it is. But as you say, the label can be handy in helping you find others who are suffering the same way.

It literally drives her to hatred and condemnation of me.

Well, I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned her shame. Her hatred and condemnation aren't for you but for herself.

Wow, that never occurred to me. We have been in knock down drag out fights in the past. Escalations have left us to abandon seeking a common ground. So denial has been chosen as a mode to continue living and having contact with one another. Perhaps that could be true. I still have nightmares about my mom, when she was not the person who physically or sexually abused me (except a few slaps and punches that I feel were acceptable) Yet it feels that I am more mentally abused by her in an ongoing way, because of the denial she has forced upon me, because of her own possible shame. I was just a "factor" that had to be done away with in order for her to find rest in her own heart in this matter. She of course, had to deal with her own past abuse, and the fact that her husband, my dad, was a child molester. She did live in denial for all the years I was abused. I told her about the abuse, and she came to terms with it and told me when I was 9, "If you ever want our entire family to stay together, you better not EVER breathe a word of this to ANYONE, no siblings, no friends". That burdened me instantly with isolation. She has since come to be healed of her past abuse, and begun a true relationship with the Lord. Perhaps, since we reap what we sow, and she did not feel she had "sown" in my childhood or adolescence, that she cannot face the facts. I accept that. I love her unconditionally. I accept that her love for me was jaded by her own human experience. I hope and pray that in the future, all things will be made right. As of now, I do limit my time spent with her and our interactions are closely monitored by me. If I feel she is infringing upon my rights to be a human being who is recovering, I have the right to withdraw and seperate myself. I can still see her at church from time to time, and a visit when appropriate. It does hurt me deeply that she feels this way. But there is nothing one can do to enter into the heart of another and rearrange things to better fit truth.

[costello]

I'm sorry those horrible things were done to you when you were a child and completely innocent. And I'm sorry you had the added burden of being told your silence was the price of holding the family together. You had the right to trust that your parents would keep you safe, and they failed you.

I think you're wise to keep yourself safe and maintain distance when necessary.

Your mother reminds me of a story I heard once about a man who was afraid of a certain corner of his basement. When he had to go into his basement, he wouldn't look at that corner. He was so terrified of what he'd see. He thought that he knew what he'd see. He thought he would see himself hanging dead. But he never looked.

Really deep pain prevents us from looking. Especially shame. It's a painful feeling. Even thinking about exploring that painful area is enough to shut us down sometimes. It takes a good deal of courage. Maybe more courage that we have.

It sounds like you have that kind of courage. Maybe your mother doesn't.