Self sabotage

HI

Well, I've managed to do the one thing I promised myself I would never do again.

I've let my Schizophrenic brother with his 10 personalities move back in with me.

I've got issues, seriously screwed up issues.. In public and at home I try, sometimes in vain; to keep control of how I react to everything. I remind myself constantly that 'sane' people think things through before reacting. So instead of turning a moment into a situation I can usually walk away before I say or do something untoward.

When I come home everyday I am so drained, exhausted.. tired of the pretense I struggle to keep. I lock my door and don't answer when people knock. I turn my phone off. My son and I relax and talk and play games and hang out. Its what I need to stay whole. My house is my safe haven.

My brother started dating a friend of mine who had recently lost her husband to heart failure. My brother lived at the beach all alone and was very very happy there. I happily took my bereaved friend to visit often, it was so good to see my brother happy for once. Eventually someone started screwing with my brother and he decided to move.

My friend suggested this house with a friend of hers that was planning on moving eventually. I had my reservations, hes lived with me before and I KNOW how he gets along with people. But it was just until this woman moved in with her boyfriend and then the log cabin was his. It was fine for a couple of weeks and then all hell broke loose one night. Long story short, he needed somewhere to go, immediately.

He was in tears, I was heartbroken watching him have to go through all this B.S. again. And so the words flew out of my mouth, "As long as I have a roof over my head so does my brother." Of course I love my brother so much I would do anything to make sure he was alright. We agreed that he would stay at my house until he finds his own happy spot. He gets disability, so he can afford his own place.. So I didnt think he would be here long enough to cause a problem.

How quickly I forget..

I know we agreed on this being a temporary thing, but as soon as he was here he took over my garage, which is my SPOT, you know what I mean. But, whatever.. its just temporary. Then he began to deconstruct my art studio.. I walk in one day and he had packed everything up and filled it with his boxes.. again, not too bad, its just a couple of months. I can deal, I have 8 more rooms to wander in. Then started the sometimes week long 'visits' from his girlfriend/my friend. Keep in mind that I normally allow NO ONE in my house. But still, it was still enjoyable, a novel experience.

Then he started picking on my 14 year old son. Not fjdhsajkh cool. Not acceptable. For example, yesterday morning he walked past my son in the kitchen and Dev said, whats up? My brother said, Whats up? Devin said, the sky.. A typical 14 year old response. My brother kept walking but started yelling about Devin always having some smart remark, blah blah blah.. slamming doors all the way into the garage. 3 doors, slam slam slam, well.. good morning, arggg! My son was in tears. told me everyones always mad at him, kids, teachers, his dad, his uncle, he even said me. I of course told him that me getting upset because I catch him playing video games at 2 a.m. on a school night and yelling at him for it isnt the same thing.. Jeez, IDK.. Now I am watching everything I say to Devin because I dont want him to think I dont love him totally. Hes my whole world.

Hes told Devin that his dads a punk, that video games are going to make him gay, that he sucks and he'll never get anywhere in life. Just because hes having a bad day and wants to hurt someone. Devin understands its his schizophrenia, but it still hurts his feelings. Now I try to keep them separated.

So, yesterday continues.. Every time my brother walked by me yesterday he made some comment. Hes going to get his girlfriend to fire me from my job, which she can. Hes going to screw around with this other girl and tell my friend so it will go ahead and kill her with the grief. Which it might, shes REALLY bad off. Hes going to ruin my life and make me pay because in his head somehow this is all my fault. It always is..

Its ceaseless **** spewing from his mouth on days like this. Doors slamming all day, cussing all day.. throwing a tantrum like a 3 years old might do. I hate my intelligent, levelheaded son having to put up with it.

He feels superior to me and never misses a chance to tell me. Not that it bothers me too much. Im pretty happy with my life except for dealing with my head..

My brother and I have been getting along so AWESOME before he moved away from his home. We talked on the phone almost every day for hours sometimes. We had gotten so close.

Now he blames me for everything, hes unpacking ceaselessly.. just like he did last time I let him come stay. Last time I couldnt get him to leave for 3 years. To cope with him, and my boyfriend and the rest of my screwy life- I started drinking ceaselessly, had a total breakdown, and dropped everyone I knew, lost my job of 8 years, moved to a different house, changed my phone number and commenced to shutting down. That was a year and a half ago and Im just now got my head above the water again.

I was so convinced that this time would be different, he was so happy when he first came here. Hes still cool about half the time. The other half hes someone else, literally.. and impossible to deal with.

So, heres the question of the day..

What could I do or say to make him see that his situation is of his own making, and I am just trying to give him a hand. He called and ASKED me to help, I did.. I dont understand why hes turning it around on me like this.

Maybe he will only be here for a short time, but I dont want the time spent under my roof to ruin our relationship for good. And truth be told, Im past my limit of putting up with this already. Last time he lived with me I tried to stab him in a fit of alcohol induced rage. I told you, I fell completely apart.

Theres no easy way out of this, he will not leave until he has a place way off the road, totally private, affordable and cat friendly. His cats are the only things he cares about. It might take months.

Im not really expecting a quick fixall or anything. Maybe some magic words I can say to make him stop hating me. Saying nothing doesnt work, he will search the house till he finds me and then lay into me.

i miss my brother caring about me. who is this random monster?

Im just so sad today

Sz doesn't really have anything to do with different personalities.

'Sane' people do often react without thinking. That's not about sanity; that's about being human. Don't beat yourself up on that score.

I don't know if you brother has sz or not, but it sounds like he's an abusive a-hole. Maybe he's acting out because he resents that he's dependent on you, but frankly I don't care. You, and more importantly your son, shouldn't have to live this way. I'd ask him to leave if I were you.

I realize how hard that is. My son has been very difficult to live with in the past too. But even at his worst he never did the things you're describing here. Not even close. And as we've talked about it, he's seen my point of view and altered his behavior. (Of course, I've also listened to his complaints about me and tried to alter my behavior. This is a two way street.) When I told him I didn't even like to come home anymore, he took that to heart and felt bad - and changed his behavior.

I know it's hard, hon, but you're not going to get your loving brother back by allowing him to be abusive toward you. You're just encouraging abusive brother to stay around more. (And you are really, really wounding your son. I can't stress that strongly enough.)

Maybe look at it this way: I doubt your brother is pleased with the way he's acting right now. If he has any ability to reflect on himself and his behavior, he probably feels great shame. (And if he doesn't have the ability to reflect, I'm not sure what you can do to change him.) Every time he abuses you or your son, he's abusing himself even worse. It sucks to be a jerk. We've all been a jerk at one point or another in our life, and it doesn't feel good. We feel either guilt (I did something wrong) or shame (I am something wrong). I'm just going to guess your brother is more of the shame type. Every time he acts out against you, he's wounding himself even worse.

You need to maintain the relationship but with him living elsewhere.

Well, first off Costello is right. Schizophrenia doesn't have anything to do with more than one personality, that's a media myth. More than one personality is what is now called "Dissociative Identity Disorder" (DID) or what most people call multiple personality disorder.

People with schizophrenia struggle with psychosis which include hallucinations (visual, auditory, or other senses,) and delusions.

But, regardless of that, you're brother sounds abusive and you cannot continue to have him stay. If he is impossible to communicate to about needing to leave, maybe your friend can help you here. You need to sit down with her and explain to her just like you did to us what is going on. Maybe she can help convince him to get into a new place to live. You cannot allow him to break you down because you have to be there for your son.

Thank you both for your replies. I just had to write it out this morning. I was so on edge. Its only for about another month, IM GOING TO FIND HIM A PLACE TO GO IF IT KILLS ME. But he is schizophrenic, the auditory and visual hallucinations started in his teens and every time he went through another traumatic relationship or issue in life that he couldnt deal with another personality of his was born. I watched it happen, Ive talked to his therapists, hes both and full blown cant control himself.

And yes, I am making excuses for his behavior. eVEN THOUGH HE HAS THESE ISSUES HE COULD try TO CONTROL IT. Its the only way I can cope until hes outta here. If ya'll dont mind me hopping on here every once and a while and venting, then I think we can make it through this one last time.

You're welcome to vent here any time you wish.

Schizophrenia really has nothing to do with multiple personalities. That's dissociative disorder or something. Having hallucinations doesn't necessarily mean you have schizophrenia. Or any mental illness IMO.

true dat

Im having a much better day today Karma bit him in the butt and gave him a stomach virus.. aint I a mean lil sister? I couldnt help but do a happy dance. Now karmas gonna get me for that and let me catch it! LOL

argggg. rant and rave rant and rave rant and rave who gives a hoot if all the chocolate lucky charms are gone? GROW UP! Have you ever seen someone throw a temper tantrum over cereal? LAUGHING OUT LOUD

lol... Now, how old is he?

thirty seven
but it doesnt matter cus i told him to find a place to go and he says hes moving in a week! whooHOO!

I'm glad to hear it.

hes moving out monday. saints be praised.

This is great news! Now you and your son can have some peace. And I sincerely hope your brother can get his life back on course too. This has obviously been stressful for him as well.