Roll Call Eight

My son just tells me he does it to stay sane. He touches base with me when he wants to reality test or check an odd thought or whatever.

I don't think it's a burden.

i must have not much insight. my dad has a list of things he says i do when he notices me getting unwell. i dont notice any of it.

he says when i get restless n combative n fearful n stopp communicating n other things he knows im unwell. n when my behavior he says gets weird he says. n some otherr stuff.

I feel as though I have an obligation to protect them from this sort of stuff. But in order for there to be better communication and for me to feel safe I guess I'm gonna have to push through those barriers. But h**ly crap it'll be hard!! That's one thing I struggle with....telling my parents how I feel. . I trust them I do....it's just hard that's all.
Thanks Costello and newtus

Yeh my parents say its "written all over my face" when I'm ill. I just don't notice it....which is a bit frustrating especially when your trying to fix the problem!!

i just had the worst dream of my entire life. i woke up crying. 2am.

i had a dream i was being sought after and killed as if i was a member of society that was killed. idk what or why. and they killed my dad and my pets. like it was syria or something but the usa. or something idk.

my dad and i would talk about how we need to be careful or theyll kill us. they ended up ....... killing my dad....grabbed him by the neck and shot him in the back head. same with my dog. shot him. then i only lived so many hours later.

i met up with my dad in heaven or some type of it. in this collective unconscious place. like my thoughts - coming alive - taking on their own person. i was bawling to my dad in this place. he said "yes honey. im sorry. i saw when they killed you. im so sorry baby" i said "NO please stop i dont want to hear it". he ended up telling me they snapped my neck and it was over extremely quick. then then we started talking and i started going through all this stuff i never got to do. i said "i never got to taste tabasco. i never got to have a boyfriend... my body i had never got to have SEX. dad i never got experience life. they killed me. THEY KILLED ME DAD. im dead and what happens to the cat? she wont be in heaven. she wont be here."

just on and on and on. and he was being so loving telling me all the positives and i was scared and crying. and im still crying in real life. i

i bet that WILL happen.
and the sound of the thunder sounded like bombs. like syria.

Yesterday went great, but things got sour later at night. The music played louder in my head and I went down after that. I was talking word salad and my emotions went off the charts increased by my thoughts. I had a melt down and didn't understand what to do so I was brought to my room and comforted until the music played lower and when I was making more sense. I want to be okay before I go to bed, but it's taking a bit of time :/

sorry i just feel very disturbed.

One little hour of sleep. Grrrrrrrrr. I am going to try to stay up, so I don't sleep most of the day.

im so weird.

I'm hiding in a room with closed curtains and watching TV and I don't plan to go anywhere near an open window so they won't see me.

how is everyone this morning. i got a headache from too much vaping ecigs yesterday i think. i think. but it could be from the crying and stress of that dream since i only got the headache when i went back to bed at 4am.

I had a dream a couple years ago similar. We got robbed and my mother was taken hostage and I saw her get executed right in front of my eyes. It was terrifying.

I don't want to do anything today but hide under covers. It's not a good weekend.

im so sorry lalalabp. i am so so so sorry to hear.

I'm fine. Last day of a four day weekend for me.

You never have to apologize for feeling the way you do. You have a right to your feelings, experiences, etc.

As for me, I'm feeling better. Trying a new medication and it seems to be working okay so far without any terrible side-effects so far. Still having some perceptual distortions and "delusional" thinking but it's nowhere near as bad as it has been for most of the summer.

Hahaha I made myself sick from smoking cigs yesterday too. Kind of went overboard because I had a friend over and she smokes more than I do so we just sat outside and smoked all day. I felt all dizzy and stuff when I came back in. I'm thinking of switching over to ecigs but I know nothing about them so I wouldn't know which ones to try. Which ones do you use and are they worth the investment?

im new to them too.
it depends on what u want. i started checking them out in gas stations buying 1 of each brand. i look for good taste cuz they come in diff flavors and high nicotine content right now. those NJoy bold kings are great for a good buzz and energy boost. i saw commercial for Blu ecigs. i got java flavored (havent tried it but ill let u know how they are). i still smoke hookah but there are some ehookahs (exact same as ecigs just diff name and wild flavors) some come in no nicotine and w/ nicotine. you can goto hookah-shisha.com for those. you can google Blu and NJoy cigs. those are also available in gas stations. im new to this ecig thingg sorta so ill let u know how some of these go.

oh and they are VERY much worth the investment if your trying to stop or slowly stop. ive stopped smoking real cigs more and more. only downfall is they can be expensive. upside is invest in one and you saave money in the long run. or invest in some. which ever you prefer. maybe the eGo-T one where you just use refills. save you money there. i use both disposable ecigs and refills. and they flavors are the bombbb. ice cream and sodas and mints and fruits of all kinds. the NJoys feel and smoke and smell like real cigarettes and have nicotine i like them for that reason. i like everything else for the flavor reasons and ease of use.

Same for me. Tomorrow is the first day of pre school for my Tuesday-Thursday kids. They are all under 2 yrs old & have never been to pre school before. I know there will be lots of crying tomorrow which I'm not looking forward to that. Honestly I don't understand why they start kids in pre school this young. I think they're too young! But I of course don't make the rules. Luckily pre school is only a 5 hour day. Wish me luck!

Sorry to hear you have a headache. I woke with a bad headache too. I had a crazy dream too. Since my truck has been broken down I've been able to borrow my friend's car. It is a tiny compact car. In my dream I was trying to drive up a steep hill and flipped the car onto its roof. That's all I can remember from the dream but I feel like the dream went on and on. So I awoke stressed out with a sore neck and a headache.

sore neck here too this morning. i wake up sore every mornig. really bad most times.

i been doing better since i got out of hospital. im not how i was before.

but when i do get bad i get worse. i get bouts of bad now instead of all the time bad. but the bouts are worse than being bad all the time. you know? i get this bouts of voices or paranoia. or weird behavior or word slippages. but they are bad. bad as in i have no insight. someone has to help me or stop me if i get out of control. or if things get out of hand. otherwise idk wht is real or not. at all. i think its from being off/on meds for years. so when i get on them again and it starts to wear off i just get so bad.

@cracking - facing a roomful of crying children sounds like a nightmare to me! You are very brave.

We are getting our windows put in this week so I am only working tues and wed this week. It is so stressful for me to have strangers in the house though. But once this is done there will just be the fence, and that will just be people in the yard so not as hard to deal with.

I look at the trees and they get further away the closer I step. I don't understand it's ****ing with my mind. Nothing is close as it seems.

Yes you are correct! It will be a nightmare until the kids get comfortable coming to school. The first month is always just horrible! I'll be questioning what on earth am I doing there! I'll want to quit my job on a daily basis. It happens every year. I've been doing this for seven years now. I'm surprised that with my "issues" I'm even able to hold it together and do this type of work. I really don't know how I do it.