[newtus]

welllll

the loneliness...and sadness...and hallucinations got the best of me......tonight

i went ....for a kinda long time...maybe... you know.... hm maybe 2 or 3 months. at least 2 without drinking.

but...tonight...the loneliness def became too much i didnt know what to do. i was self injuring and crying a tiny bit. so i just opened a can that had been in the back since maybe april or march. i drnk after then but not this can...

this one hassssss 12% alc. it say right here.
last time i drank it was only . idk less thannnnn 5%.

i feel like...idk...
im already crying more.

this is my bday month. i wish i was dead. sorta.
i dont think people understand how much having no friends or acuaintces affect u

visual halucinations right now man

[newtus]

im having visioons of people getting killed n stabbed i havent had these in awhile now. WOW peeop;e i know n dont know

[Cosmo25]

Do you feel like calling your pdoc?

[LoveForMyChild]

I'm sorry you are going through this. There are hotlines available (as I'm sure you know). There are even the kind you can chat online. (I saw the site links on one of the forums here) I know my daughter fights calling them even though she knows it can help, but having someone to talk to would be good. I strongly suggest you call your pdoc in the morning. You have people here who care. :hug

[justmeandmyhead]

sorry your struggling newtus. is there anyone you can talk to? x

[newtus]

Originally Posted by Cosmo25

Do you feel like calling your pdoc?

no.i learned they cant do anything except refer you out to hospital.

Originally Posted by LoveForMyChild

I'm sorry you are going through this. There are hotlines available (as I'm sure you know). There are even the kind you can chat online. (I saw the site links on one of the forums here) I know my daughter fights calling them even though she knows it can help, but having someone to talk to would be good. I strongly suggest you call your pdoc in the morning. You have people here who care. :hug

i did a year or two ago. it didnt help. then they threatened to call police on me to take me to hospital. even though i said nothing about being a danger

Originally Posted by justmeandmyhead

sorry your struggling newtus. is there anyone you can talk to? x

nope. not a soul.
unless you mean my dad. of which he doesnt know what to do with my anymore.
but other than him. i know absolutely no other physical person around here.

yep...

[newtus]

people keep saying its my fault i dont know any1. but its a catch 22. its hard to meet other people when you dont know any1 in the first place. if u dont kno any1 u have to have the ability to go out OR have the skill/personality to talk.

[mimi2112]

who is saying that it's your fault? I don't think it's your fault. you are doing the best you can with what you've got.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by mimi2112

who is saying that it's your fault? I don't think it's your fault. you are doing the best you can with what you've got.

my family.
they didnt say fault. but what does THIS insinuate:

"well YOUVE got to go out of the house."
i dont stay in ALL the time. just a lot.
but when i do leave....hoenstly - wehre am i going to go? theres a # of places i cant meet people like college and work. so seriously where else? if i sayd that they say "WELL GET A JOB". they know ive tried college for 5 years.

lets just say ive tried a lot of things. i really have.

[newtus]

i had a dream i was raped. and physically assaulted. and shot at.

[faerie_moon_x]

It's not your fault, Newtus. It's not like you live in the big city with lots of youth centers or clubs or parks or malls or whatever. You live out in the sticks. And you're on disability and that's not your fault either.

I'm sorry you had such a horrible time yesterday. I think yesterday was just bad energy day for some reason. I'm sorry you got drowned in it. What a horrible nightmare you had, too, on top of everything else.

I wish I had an answer on a good way for you to meet a few good friends. I'm horrible at finding friends, myself. It just seems to happen by chance....

[newtus]

i told my dad about my dream.
he said it may be sign that i need to be more careful of my surroundings. although im more careful than some.

i dont understand. what am i supposed to do in life then.

i asked him "isnt all this feeling scared...it keeps me in the house already to begin with. how am i supposed to live life?"

im close to hitting the 25 yr mark of life. and ive rarely left my house out of fear.

more fear will just keep me in. and im bored with life. i have nothing to do. no support system of peers. my dad is all.

life is absolutely sickinening to me. its a disgusting joke on many people.
im absolutely disgusted.
plagued by fear.

only to be told by my dad small speeches about be VERY careful where i go. *BE CAREFUL* *BE CAUTIOUS* *WATCH OUT* etc. my whole life.
and not much support is given about how wonderful life maybe could be. or how meeting peopel is great. or going out and doing things could be awesome.
its ALWAYS "BE CAREFUL" "WATCH OUT FOR PEOPLE" "DONT LET PEOPLE GET NEAR YOU" "WATCH PEOPLE" "DONT GOTO CERTAIN PLACES" "DONT DO CERTAIN PLACES ALONE"

ugh w/e
I KNOW theres truth to that. but WHY enforce it continuously in someone like me who is trying HARD to leave the house. WHY?!

[newtus]

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

[newtus]

and then its seemingly my fault that im afraid.

im told "you shoudlnt be afriad. theres no reason to be. just be cautious"

REALLY? after being told all my natural life how things are dangerous and i should be cautious n cautious of people - theres n oreason i should be afraid?

[faerie_moon_x]

Okay, so in my spirituality I am a dream interpreter. I don't go off those "dream interpreter books" because I think they are bunk. But, I interpret dreams based on the dream itself, not some random symbolism.

So.... you are a careful person and I don't think that's what your dream meant.

This is what I'm thinking:

Being raped is the ultimate loss of control and the ultimate fear of many women world wide. The idea of someone forcing you in the most intimate way, of taking over you in that way, is torture to the body, mind, and spirit. Also, in many cultures rape is considered a failure on the woman, and even in our culture there is a "it's her fault because she dresses too sexy," or whatever BS of people making it the woman's fault, when it's actually the fault of the raper. And so, being rape is also considered shameful to the victime, which is horrible! More torture.

This dream was not about needing to be careful, this dream was about feeling totally out of control with your life. You feel trapped, alone, afraid, and with no where or no one to turn to. You have people all around you accusing you that it's your fault, when clearly this is not the case. You didn't do well at college due to the sz, and I know that bothers you because you talk about it a lot. And of course it bothers you, I mean you're very intelligant so I'm sure that's exceptionally frustrating for you. So just one more place you feel you have control.

Plus, you live in a place where resolving these issues isn't easy just based on the fact you're far from everyone.

So, that's my interpretation of the dream. And it would be a horrible dream to have.

[newtus]

wow. your amazing. im a total believer in dreams meaning something. i believe that in my heart. but also because the one psychological theory interpretation of Sz ive heard is basically partly that you have things that bother u and you push it to the back like expereinces or memories and it comes out through hallucinations or delusions. i think thats the same with dreams. but it can also be if theres just an overload of it on you i think. idk.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by newtus

my family.
they didnt say fault. but what does THIS insinuate:

"well YOUVE got to go out of the house."
i dont stay in ALL the time. just a lot.
but when i do leave....hoenstly - wehre am i going to go? theres a # of places i cant meet people like college and work. so seriously where else? if i sayd that they say "WELL GET A JOB". they know ive tried college for 5 years.

lets just say ive tried a lot of things. i really have.

I met my best friend on craigslist---I must have met 7 people or so that didnt work out from that site but I found one and it makes a huge difference. Other options are meetups, its less of a commitment...I'm part of a group that goes to movies and dinner. So there are alternatives but yes you will have to leave the house initially to get friends. I know thats hard but consider that its that or be alone all the time. Once you get to know people they can come over to your house to hang out.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by newtus

wow. your amazing. im a total believer in dreams meaning something. i believe that in my heart. but also because the one psychological theory interpretation of Sz ive heard is basically partly that you have things that bother u and you push it to the back like expereinces or memories and it comes out through hallucinations or delusions. i think thats the same with dreams. but it can also be if theres just an overload of it on you i think. idk.

Yes, this makes total sense. Hallucinations are like dreams when you're awake. Delusions, too. Things that bother you that come out of your mind into the world, but only you're aware of them. Dreaming awake. This is another reason that schizophrenia was once shamanism, I'm sure.

Dreams definatley have meanings. And meanings are person specific, you can't look them up in a dictionary. And yes, they are manifestations of the things that are on our minds, both hopes and fears.

[newtus]

true about dictionary. ive been using the dreammoods site since i was 13. its very obvious its mostly general. but i think in some way if u know a bit of maybe what its connected to or someone can help tell you then u maybe can take a bit from those dictionaries if it makes total sense. of course the more vague it is the less it makes sense. but i had been writing my dreams down since i was 13. i quit a few years ago because i was able to remember so many vivid details. if its something extremely interesting i might.

what do u think

[newtus]

in fact i can explain most of my dream right now.

in fact honestly i had a real life situations a month ago where a girl on a Sz forum met someone online and went across state. 3 states or so. drove. met them. the man almost killed her. i stoped talking to her online. bcuz i felt my safety was jeopardized. havent talked to her since. she ended up going back again after calling the police. i remember tellnig costello. and my dream went off of that. but theres a lot unexaplined.

ANYWAY i had a dream i was with this girl (who ive NEVER met IRL btw) somehwere - idk where. she befriended someone and i went into the car with them. in the middle of driving i wanted to say to let me off becuz i didnt have a good feeling about this man. but i didnt say anything bcuz i didnt want to be rude. then we went into this abandoned office type complex. as we were walking up a carpeted ramp he grabbed my shoulders and flipped me around n tried to take off my pants and i screamed and ran out the complex. i was running for my life. jumping over hedges and over handicap ramps in the parking lots. and down concrete walls. like parkour/free running. thing was it was all downhill. as if the town was built on a mountain. theres nothing like that where i live. at all. my area is plains. for some reason i had a gun with me. huge one. assault rife. i turned around and shot at him cuz he was chasing me. i think he shot at me too. then i got to a gas station and said call 911 and shot at him more. i just remember after awhile it was him and i running. he was an older white male in a buisness suit.

...thats all i remember.

[faerie_moon_x]

Did you dream that before or after it happened to that girl?

Dreams are not as complicated as people think. Being able to explain your dreams is a good thing and it's knowing yourself, knowing people, knowing the realities of life vs. "mysticle" type of thinking.

keeping a dream journal is actually very healthy. Even if you only remember a tiny bit of a dream. I used to keep a dream journal but I have trouble getting ready in the morning so I don't any more.

[newtus]

after the girl.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by newtus

after the girl.

I do think that one would be more fear based, since it was something you knew happened. But, see, in that dream you were strong and got away. And the gun is you protecting yourself. So, even though you're afraid of that happening, you felt you were protecting yourself and got away.

[newtus]

yea.

i do feel very scared and helpless being alone all the time.

and then my situation with my mom i talked about in roll call - thats really been bothering me a lot. idk if u read it.

[faerie_moon_x]

I went to read it.

You were right to cut her out. Unfortunately she wasn't a mom to you, just the woman who gave birth to you. I'm sorry you didn't get a good mom. This is a thing I feel deeply because I lost my mom and because I am a mom. I just can't fathom not loving my kids just because they are not what I expected, but then again I can't expect anything except for them to be humans with their own trials and hopes and experiences.

I can see how that would bother you so much and weigh on you.

Just know, it's not your fault. I know from what you say about your dad that you're a good daughter. It's your mom's problem and her loss in not seeing you for the good person you are. And, you are also a very strong person because you live under a stress that most people can't even begin to imagine.