semi update from newtus

im off/on here more. so im semi doing update.

i tried this craiglist style meeting people on iphone app. im scared. really scared.

i keep thinking these people are in the room with me and going to attack me.

also lately ive been feeling like my body organs are melting into my digestive tract and being digested and im excreting them fecally and through urea.

ive been so lonely lately doing some wild stuff that i barely remember doing now. i think i wrote about it yesterday dont remember.

i tried taking xanax to calm me and my calm my anger but ive been feeling so disoriented too from that - that i set soomething on fire. outside. i think i was trying to burn myself too. thats weird cause last time i took xanax i tried to set something on fire. well I DID. i set my bathroom on fire. look

i left burn marks in my sink. i set it on fire. i didnt remember a thing later. this was i think half a year ago idk

Just be careful I don't want to see you hurt yourself or end up in the hospital. I'm sorry you see the iphone people trying to attack you. Just remember they have no idea where you live. You are safe.

they arent attacking really they just make me nervous talkig about drugs and all this.

i think thats why the amanda bynes story resonated with me

Is there other groups you could join with the iphone thing if those particular people are not a good fit? I dont' know much about it.

Be careful. I understand having things happen and not remembering. I've had that happen long ago pretty bad. It's scary.

I think if your organs were digesting you would be in a lot of pain. It's amazing how much organs feel pain. When my gall bladder went bad it was like I was having a heart attack. And when my pancreas got pancreatitus the closest I can compare the pain to is like in that movie Aliens when the Alien ripps through the chest, it felt like something similar was happening but in my right side abdomen. The pancreas is a very angry little organ when it gets messed with. I mean, pain scale of 1-10 that was a 50, that's how bad it was. And, I gave birth naturally to my oldest son who was 9 lbs, and pancreatitus was way worse. So, I'm just saying this so maybe it will relieve some anxiety in that area for you.

Did you tell your dad about the fire? Be careful.

no not on this type of app. its like a dating style/chat app.

which fire?

The one yesterday outside?

that was today.
and no.
i took the xanax last night to calm my anger and it didnt. but it also lingered into th mornign

stressed from fearing my dad will die cuz hes been drinking.

voices are bad right now.
both inside and out.
i heard lots of people talking like a crowd and music playing all around me.
i hear men saying they are going to molest and kill me inside of me.

I think there is a connection between the stress and fear of losing your dad and some of the voices you're having. And, losing your dad is a major thing in your life so also then the voices start attacking you direclty. It's a theory I just thought of it from your posts above.

i think some of it is from my fear of people too.
my fear and anxiety of people seems to last 24/7 above all.

It's terrible to be afraid of people yet be so completely lonely.

Maybe start working on one small issue at a time. Like make a written list of what exactly scares you about people, from smallest to largest fears. Then start with one small fear and work on that. Just one at a time.

i had 2 sperate dreams. both of my parents moving.

1 dream was about my dad moving him and i to colorado out of the blue.

the other dream was about my mom and stepdad moving to a new house across their street. it was a 1 story average size house. but inside it was almost 3 stories size with 4 baths or more and 6 or more beds. but it looked average on the outside. small.