Roll Call Eleven

Rough night around here. Hugs for all

I'm losing my **** and I ****ing know it. Show it, glow sticks and lightning. I hate this. I hate this. I'm going to wind up back in the hospital at this rate. I'm so ****ing scared and so ****ing angry that I've got to wait a ****ing week to see a potential new therapist and there's no guarantee that'll even ****ing work out. Exercise is good for you. Cut it out. Again. Not right. Thoroughly investigated for nothing whatsoever. Everything's a lie, a pile of BS. Hate. I hate it all.

I'm off the meds starting tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Old pdoc called back and said I had his blessing and it was time. Yay!!!!!!!

I'm semi fluent in French. I intended on majoring in it to become fluent and to major in veterinary studies, but mania got the best of me and I lost my scholarship from being hospitalized to often since I wasn't medicated. I'm now at a community college doing pre-med and soon I plan on going into a specialty in the medical field.

I'm interested in learning how to quilt and looking at classes my area

I don't know how I'm doing. I don't feel paranoid and delusional like I once did, but what remains clear is knowing the trackers are in the nail polish I can't look at nail polish or my nails without knowing this is true.

Hair dye is the same. Not only do I avoid hair dye now because I want to grow my hair out naturally and care for my hair, but I can NEVER dye it again because I know they have microbots that get into your brain so they can hear your thoughts.

I know this is true. Or do I? I can't stop thinking about it. It feels like it's true. It is true. But there's a part of me that thinks it's a symptom a delusion. I can recognize it as such but still I BELIEVE it's true. Rationally it can't be true but that's just what they want you to think.

I don't know.

I haven't been sleeping well. I don't necessarily feel depressed but I don't feel normal either. I feel like I'm in this weird void between. A slight hypomania. I feel daring but not entirely reckless if that makes sense. I may secretly get drunk around lunch time but I'm not doing twenty things at once.

I keep thinking about grabbing my passport and throwing some clothing in my purse and when I'm in the city sneaking away from the group, going to the airport, breaking out a shiny piece of plastic and just go somewhere overseas without a word to anyone else. England. Sweden. Ukraine. Russia. Japan.

I also think about going out and spray painting random places. Burning down this ugly *** sign. Joining a protest and being one of those ones who throw Molotov cocktails and break ****.

I feel like I was meant to do more than just sit around and wait for the world to pass me by. I feel like I am meant to be doing something. Being noteworthy. For good or bad.

I don't know I'm rambling now I'm sorry.

Good luck, S.p.!

I'm sure I'm going to end up in hospital.
I hope it's not for long - I don't want to be there for months, I can't even do 1 day.

Cool. I started trying to teach myself French last Friday.

The French could help you in your work someday, n'est-ce pas?

Interesting that you have these beliefs about things that women use to make themselves more attractive. Is that significant, do you think?

I don't understand why they want to section me, I used to stop my meds all the time when I used to see the EIP Team and they didn't try to section me every time.

I'll die in hospital, the sleeper cells will walk straight in.

I know the hospital is awful, and you don't want to go, but I disagree about the sleep cells being able to get to you there. On the contrary, I think you'd be safer there than outside of the hospital.

unless your a patient - you cant get in without a key or something. even if your patient you cant get in and out without a key. its a special key too.

The hospital I was in, I think it was a code to get out, I nearly got out 1 time, but the cleaner was blocking the door, kept pushing me back.

I think the sleeper cells would get in easy, the nurses wouldn't help me out, they would just let them in.
I only trust my nurse and that's not all the time.

No, not just anyone can get in. I've visited my son at the hospital, and it's a pain to get in.



ETA: That's why my son went to the hospital the first time btw - to escape people who were trying to hurt him.

I had a mini-episode last night... and I feel another belwo the surface. It feels like jaws, you know? you can hear the music. Duuuuun duuuun.... I can feel it swimming in my head. round and round and round.

I keep telling myself to be calm. But I'm angry and want to smash things. I know I'm racing but I keep crying over small things. Grrr.... not good. Thought loops are like going, small ones, but there. Angry ones. Hurt ones. I hate this

I don't know what to say, can't think today, but I wanted to give everybody some hugs

*Willow*

I'm like a destroyed line. Desecrated. Made to love and mostly to hate. Primarily a perfect picture. A lovely way to die lie cry sigh high low tides ebbing and flowing. Flowers and lines. Destruction. Daggers in the sky, I'm not okay.

Sounds oolike everyone needs a hug today

sneezyyy

i just got out of class.....i didnt want to go because its soooo boring......but i went....T said that is an important skill to practice.....i think im gonna make coffee!!!!!!!!!

Mmmmm coffee!

Yeah, it is an important skill. Practicing this skill is what gets me to work vs. just giving up.

yes....i have a problem with "just giving up"...on things....ive gone and quit school so many times. i cant even count,.......but im trying again and it looks like im going to make it with an A........im excited for once about going back for spring 14 semester.....

i want to take maybe 2 classes...im slowly building up to full time....have to take it slow u know

MORE ON THAT LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!

i went to HPBooks today and this old guy was fartin and burpin and rippin stuff out of books and following me down aisles and i goto him and say "am i on candid camera?"...he looked at me funny and said no.

cuz ima be the first to break the silence if i am.

i said i better not be.

then i thought everyone was in on it. i saw a ddoctor there and farmer