What does psychosis look/feel like?

I posted this in Atypical's thread, but now I'm wondering is this a delusion? I'm sorry I'm struggling so much with understanding what delusions are. I fully believed this was true and I modified my behaviour to 'look good' for the cameras, and I've only just started thinking that they probably didn't have cameras watching me. But because it didn't distress me (I guess I was a bit anxious to be on my best behaviour but nothing major) does that make it 'normal'? Or is it still a delusion?

It's so confusing!

*Willow*

I'm not a professional but that does sound like delusional thinking to me.

So what does that mean for me in terms of being sza?? (Thinking out loud)

I know no one is a professional here but you guys 'get it' more than anybody IRL - what about when I was 8 and I killed my Nan because I didn't visit her in hospital but went out with friends instead? I believed that was true for a very long time and never told anyone else because I was so ashamed and thought everyone would hate me. Then I stopped thinking it was true but couldn't shake the guilt. I think that's why I think I'm a bad person. But now I'm back to thinking that I'm being punished by the universe for killing the nicest person in my world. That the voices are my punishment cos I'm too cowardly to kill myself. I did try when I was 8, but well I was 8 and I didn't know how to do it properly, so I tried starving myself to death as punishment...

*Willow*

This sounds like psychosis to me. I think your diagnosis of sza is most likely accurate, and I'm sorry.

Something to think about, maybe write all your questions down about why you're wondering if you're actually psychotic or not and post them here and/or bring them to your pdoc? It might help to "clear the air" about it.

What now or when I was 8?

Yeah that's a good idea, thanks! I'll have a think...



*Willow*

Especially now but when you were eight that could have been an early warning sign, because usually children don't have lingering thoughts that they've killed someone like you did.

If I build up some trust with my new pdoc/team, then I might ask them about it. See what they think.

I think on some level I have sza because I hear voices and have depression/bipolar, but can't I still be being punished by the universe?! Maybe sza is my punishment. I deserve it.

*Willow*

willow,
i had delusions until my 20s that i killed my dad when i was 10 but he really died of skin cancer. ... it was my anger that killed him....i also had delusions about birds laughing at me and thinking i could control reality with my thoughts. at a young age. i felt guilty too and feel like the eternal bad person because of waht ive done...i dont know how to forgive myself...i think thats hard to do

ive been some form of psychotic since before i was 10. i have psychotic disorder NOS and ptsd.

- what symptoms did you have? hallucinations like hearing voices and seeing a man named luke that would mutilate himself...that happened when i was 16. now i normally have delusions that people follow me and are tracking me and i hear voices telling me to harm other people and myself.

- what feelings did you have? i dont realy feel anything other than scared and confused

- what was your behaviour like? Did other people think it was odd? sometimes i cover my ears or wear headphones to drown out the voices...sometimes i have flashbacks and act odd....crying a lot and pacing...talking nonstop
- what explanation did you give for your experience at the time ie did you think you were psychotic or something else? when i first went into severe psychosis i did not know i was psychotic and thought i was being poisoned through food by the staff at the abusive school who were brainwashing me, but as the years have gone by ive gained awareness into my hallucinations

- were you on antipsychotics? Which one and did it help? i was on 550mg of seroquel at age 16 in an abusive school my mom sent me to. i was a drugged zombie but it got rid of the hallucinations....ive been on seroquel, zyprexa, clozaril, geodon, abilify, haldol, and now risperidone. i get the consta shot every week and take oral pills....sometimes i take seroquel when it gets really bad. risperidone is the only drug that has gotten rid of them besides seroquel but i hate seroquel

- were you hospitalised?
iv ebeen hospitilized over 20 times, i lost count. i have not been hospitilized since T committed me to a hospital for christmas last year. which is a big accomplishment....almost 11 months out of the hospital

- how long did it last?

a week this last time.... it has ranged from 8 months to 3 days

- anything else you feel would help explain your experience

i was also molested at age 11 and sexually abused by my former T for 2 years so i have a lot of sexual aspects to my voices and flashbacks. they call me a ***** and a slut and things of the like and my flashbacks are all of sexual stuff thats happened

thank u for letting me share

Just wanted to let all of you i read your posts, very interesting and i can relate too as i have some level of psychosis and schitzophrenia.