It was suggested that I start a new thread on this because I don't really understand what psychosis is like to the person experiencing it. I've seen people hallucinating and I've hallucinated myself (hearing voices), but I wouldn't necessarily call that psychosis...

So when psychotic:
- what symptoms did you have?
- what feelings did you have?
- what was your behaviour like? Did other people think it was odd?
- what explanation did you give for your experience at the time ie did you think you were psychotic or something else?
- were you on antipsychotics? Which one and did it help?
- were you hospitalised?
- how long did it last?
- anything else you feel would help explain your experience

Also Newtus, could you explain what you mean by:

its not that its a few ways that its like or that its your behavior so much as its that your having the symptoms.

people say theres a difference between having the symptoms and being actually psychotic. but theress a thin line.

Sorry I know that's a lot of questions, but I'd really appreciate any insight

*Willow*

[KUREHA]

That's a good question, I don't really get it either, so I'm glad you asked.

[newtus]

So when psychotic:
- what symptoms did you have? voices. delusions. erratic behavior
- what feelings did you have? anxiety lots and lots of it
- what was your behaviour like? Did other people think it was odd? yes. but its hard for me to comment on that sorry cuz i dont recognize it in myself
- what explanation did you give for your experience at the time ie did you think you were psychotic or something else? i just told people what i was thinking
- were you on antipsychotics? Which one and did it help? not then but am on haldol now.
- were you hospitalised? dozens of times.
- how long did it last? a week at a time. one time 1 month.
- anything else you feel would help explain your experience

Also Newtus, could you explain what you mean

you dont have to behave erratically to be psychotic per se.
its about the symptoms.
i personally think if someone is having the symptoms they are.
psychosis is a degree spectrum too. it comes in degrees.
if you are hearing voices or having delusions you are psychotic

im sorrry i cant be of more help but if you have more questions ill try or need more explanation to more.

[Atypical_Disaster]

- what symptoms did you have?
In no particular order:

-Disorganized thoughts/speech/behavior
-Catatonia
-Hallucinations(visual, auditory, tactile)
-Delusions
-"Negative" symptoms that go with schizophrenia, like avolition, flattened affect, etc.

- what feelings did you have?

Sometimes I didn't feel anything. A lot of the time I was very afraid, terrified. Also very confused and disoriented feelings. Like being lost but there's no way to find your way out.

- what was your behaviour like? Did other people think it was odd?


My behavior was/is "grossly disorganized". I don't shower often, I don't dress appropriately for the weather, I do really "strange" things that I don't consider strange but other people do(I don't really want to elaborate on that). When I'm hallucinating people can tell especially if they are aware of my diagnosis, but even when people don't know I'm schizophrenic people can tell something is going on because I "space out" when I'm hearing voices, and when I'm having visual hallucinations I'm looking off in whatever direction and people can tell something's up with me. My tactile hallucinations are highly unpleasant, I hallucinate pain and insects crawling underneath my skin. The hallucinatory pain is usually accompanied by other hallucinations, there's one hallucination I have that's visual and auditory and she tortures me by cutting my skin and other stuff that's too horrible to mention, it's an understatement to say that this affects my behavior, I will scream in pain when I'm being tortured by that hallucination and obviously people notice that. Thankfully that hallucination doesn't show up too often but when it does I usually wind up in the hospital. I "talk to myself", sometimes I'm talking back to my voices, sometimes I'm talking as a response to my "delusions". Sometimes I talk to myself to keep myself grounded, somehow if I talk to myself and narrate what I'm doing then I can keep track of things better. When I'm struggling with thought disorganization I don't make much sense when I talk. Sometimes my hallucinations and/or delusions lead to psychotic self injury. I'm also very withdrawn a lot of the time, I speak very little when I'm floridly psychotic because there's too many thoughts in my head.

- what explanation did you give for your experience at the time ie did you think you were psychotic or something else?

At first I had no idea I was psychotic. I only got insight that I was sick with schizophrenia in this past year. I'd been diagnosed since the age of 15 but I didn't believe anything was wrong with me. I thought everyone else was crazy!

- were you on antipsychotics? Which one and did it help?

I first started having symptoms in my childhood, so I wasn't on meds. Nobody knew what was wrong with me, I fell through the cracks until my first major psychotic break when I was 14. I was in a catatonic stupor that whole first summer when I was sick. I came out of it sometime late that August, I went to high school but then my cognition went out the window. I suddenly couldn't comprehend things I was reading, words jumbled on the pages, rearranged themselves and didn't make sense to me. I lost the ability to write completely, and I was almost entirely mute. I gave very vague and meaningless replies when people asked me questions, and sometimes I echoed back what they had said because I couldn't figure out what they were saying. It's really hard to explain that, I don't think I've ever talked about that before. When I did wind up on meds, I was on risperdal first... it did literally nothing for my symptoms and my catatonic symptoms came back. Those doctors were idiots and that hospital was horrible, they treated me terribly. When my catatonic symptoms were getting worse they just increased the dose on the risperdal even though all it was doing was making me sleep and not doing anything for my symptoms. My catatonia was bad, I couldn't take care of myself at all. My hallucinations were very bad during this time too. When I wasn't catatonic I was actively hallucinating and people could tell. I attempted suicide shortly after I turned 15 and I was thankfully sent to a better hospital. By then I had been severely ill for long enough with all of my symptoms, and I was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia. I didn't believe I was sick. They put me on abilify. It helped for awhile, but then my parents for some reason decided to take me off all of the meds and since I was a minor I had no say in my treatment(I don't think they wanted to believe I was sick either). I was off the meds for years and floridly psychotic the whole time. I had to be homeschooled because I couldn't function in "normal" environments at all. After I turned 18 I started having glimmers of insight, I asked to be put on meds again. They put me on Seroquel which did nothing for my symptoms and made me gain a bunch of weight. I stayed on that for 3 years then tapered off of it, and I got sicker than ever. I think it probably helped the worst of my symptoms, like I wasn't experiencing catatonia like I used to when I was on it and my thoughts weren't so disorganized, but it didn't completely solve the issues either. I was still having symptoms. And no medication has ever done much for my "delusions". With hallucinations the meds do tend to help a bit more there. Meds do next to nothing for my negative symptoms. Then this year at the end of February/early March I was hospitalized for the 7th time because of a severe psychotic episode. They put me on Saphris, which was the only med that worked for my delusions... but it didn't do anything for my hallucinations or disorganized thinking and I wound up having catatonic symptoms again when I got out of the hospital. It also gave me severe restlessness(I forgot the word for it) and I wound up not sleeping for days at a time and wouldn't you know it my hallucinations got even worse! The room I was in would start melting right in front of me, for example, and I felt like I was dying. I got off that med, and all this year I've been trying various medications, they tried Seroquel again which didn't work, they tried Navane which gave me TD. Now I'm on Haldol which is working a bit better but I'm still having symptoms and need to increase the dose because I had a really bad episode a couple of nights ago and I don't want that to happen again.


- were you hospitalised?

I've been hospitalized 7 times in total, all for psychosis.

- how long did it last?

The hospitalizations? Anywhere from 5 days(most recent one) to 3 weeks(that was the first time I was hospitalized).

- anything else you feel would help explain your experience

If I think of anything else I'll come back and add more. Also, if you have any questions feel free to ask.

[newtus]

i dont think i pay much attention to my psychosis i just let it take me with it. which makes it worse.

i also didnt get negative symptoms until my psychosis worsened a lot

[newtus]

but i did have disorganization. i think that worsens it too

[FireBird]

- what symptoms did you have? Auditory, visual, tactile, and olfactory hallucinations, bizarre delusions according to others (I still believe it though), disorganized speech and behavior, sudden noises make me jump and scream, my hygiene goes downhill, depersonalization and derealization, inability to concentrate, unable to understand what others say and difficulty reading and remembering.
- what feelings did you have? Extreme anxiety, depression or unable to know what I'm feeling.
- what was your behaviour like? Did other people think it was odd? I don't think it was odd to me, but to others thought it was odd. I would stare off into space, go catatonic for short periods of time (a couple hours at most), sometimes when the satellite is tracking me and about to fire the laser (I have actually seen the lasers) I would walk in weird patterns, Recently I would wander without being aware, I would react to things that others say that doesn't exist (of course I didn't believe them), I would see patterns in everything including bird's movements and think it means something, If the voices or other hallucinations got scary I would scream, I constantly talk to myself and to the voices, sometimes when severe I would actually grab a knife and start threatening the "hallucinations"... the reason why its in quotes is I still believe him to be real and threatening, I would be hyper aware of my surroundings when not catatonic or staring off into space, constantly looking for threats, and other things I can't remember.
- what explanation did you give for your experience at the time ie did you think you were psychotic or something else? I thought I was living in reality and its the doctors and other people that are nuts. Still think that now. I do realize that I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective though.
- were you on antipsychotics? Which one and did it help? I started having symptoms in childhood. The stuff I mentioned above is more recent experiences. So yes I was on anti psychotics. In times of stress, the pills don't work anymore. The doctors truly think putting me on another pill would do the job but it doesn't matter. Once the main stressors are over then I return to normal. This year has been nothing but stressors. I've been on almost every single type of anti psychotic sometime in my life. Right now I'm on Latuda.
- were you hospitalised? I have been hospitalized 10 times.
- how long did it last? For the hospitalizations a week at a time but this year it was almost 2 weeks. If you are referring to the psychosis it varied from just a few weeks to over a year.
- anything else you feel would help explain your experience not sure.

[justmeandmyhead]

what symptoms did you have?
my main positive symptom is 'bizarre delusions', i have the occasional auditory and visual hallucination but nothing like some people have. my hygiene goes out the window, i stop talking, i stop sleeping, start acting 'strangely', isolate myself from people and get really paranoid.

what feelings did you have?
i feel extremely anxious, scared and unsafe. i get depressed and suspicious of people.

what was your behaviour like? Did other people think it was odd?
my behaviour has been described as odd. i tend to develop little hand movements that i do, such as making infinity symbols in the air or jerking movements. i stopped wearing shoes last time and would walk around the town in bare feet. my delusions can mean that i get obsessed with a certain place and one time i climbed into a building site to find a portal. i talk and laugh to myself or to whomever i think is watching/listening to me when 'delusional'.

what explanation did you give for your experience at the time ie did you think you were psychotic or something else?
i thought that i was right and that others where out to get me. i still have trouble working out what is real and what is 'delusion'. i also dont really think theres anything wrong with me, so thats complicated.

were you on antipsychotics? Which one and did it help?
i was diagnosed with something else for a couple of years so wasnt on antipsychotics. i was put on zyprexa first and it seemed to help but i was too scared about weight gain. i was then put on abilify but it made my jaw twitch uncontrollably. currently im prescribed risperdal.

were you hospitalised?
ive been hospitalised 4 times in total. the first two was under a different diagnosis and were for 2 weeks. the third was under a psychotic diagnosis for 1 month and the most recent i was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and was in for about 3 weeks. ive only been sectioned once on a 2 but was threatened with a 3 last time.

anything else you feel would help explain your experience
because i dont hear voices and because i have been diagnosed with a few things i have a lot of trouble convincing myself there's something wrong and find it really hard to take meds. i think when things happen i do have a small bit of insight as i have times when i worry that im going crazy, but i get so fixated on my sudden realisations that it doesn't last long.

Thank you everyone for your replies Professionally I find people's experiences very interesting and I thank you all for sharing something so personal. Personally I find it confusing as to how it relates to me.

I read this website about the phases of psychosis Phases of Psychosis | eppic.org.au It describes psychosis as encompassing hallucinations, delusions and thought disorder. I know what hallucinations are and can usually tell when it is happening, although tactile hallucinations confuse me at the time because it feels so real.

Delusions often gradually build up in intensity, being more open to challenge in the initial stages, before becoming more entrenched. They can take many forms. Common types of delusions include:
Persecutory delusions; where the person believes that they are being, watched, followed, or talked about in a negative way, or that people are planning to, or actually, harming them
Grandiose delusions; where the person believes that they have special powers or abilities
Delusions of reference; where the person believes that television shows, songs, or newspaper/magazine articles are referring to them
Somatic delusions; where the person experiences unusual beliefs about their body or appearance, for example, a part of their body is abnormal, or 'rotting'
Passivity delusions; where a person believes that others are putting thoughts in their head, or taking thoughts out of their head, or that others can read their minds
Delusional guilt; where the person falsely believes that they are responsible for negative events, such as natural disasters

I've bolded what my Mum considers to be true 'delusions' for me, even though I believe they're real, and my pdoc said I had somatic delusions of being touched, but how does that differ from a tactile hallucination??

Then thought disorder:

Thought disorder refers to a pattern of vague or disorganised thinking. Mild thought disorder might be manifest as someone finding it hard to express themselves or complaining of feeling like their thoughts are sped up or slowed down, whereas someone with severe thought disorder might have disjointed speech which is hard to follow.

This is sort of how it feels for me too. My head is very hazy, crazy, and I either can't access my thoughts because of the fog, smog and everything feels loud but like wading through mud. Sometimes I can't understand people when they're talking or read, but I always make sense when talking or writing, so I feel like I'm not really psychotic. I know some of you write and talk in word salad, but I don't because my parents would've said if I didn't make sense. I don't feel disorganised, just confused.

And scared, very scared. Most of you said about feeling scared which I do to but that's because people are following me and reading my thoughts and could break in and hurt me etc etc, so I feel that's legitimate fear. And I have periods, mostly at night, where everything feels unreal and I'm really really scared. I'm a grown up who needs her Mum to sleep in her room at night because I'm too pathetic to sleep by myself right now!

If all of this is psychosis (which I doubt) then it's been going on since the Spring bring the voices really loud, but then I restarted aripiprazole/Abilify because the quetiapine/Seroquel wasn't helping and the voices haven't disappeared completely but for the most part. Now it's mainly the fear that's the problem.

Idk! I feel like my stuff isn't bad enough to qualify as psychosis and that my Mum and pdoc have overreacted. I feel like my new pdoc will dismiss me like I was dismissed before when I was catatonic. And this time I don't feel ill, not like before when I was catatonic. IDK.

I'm rambling again, sorry. Does anyone have any insight or more experiences they'd like to share?

*Willow*

[Atypical_Disaster]

It sounds like you're really minimizing yourself here Willow, and this isn't the first time I've seen it in your posts either. I'm going to give you my honest opinion here, if you don't want to hear it then feel free to disregard my post.

I know what hallucinations are and can usually tell when it is happening, although tactile hallucinations confuse me at the time because it feels so real.

Just because you know you're hallucinating doesn't make you any less psychotic, it just means you have insight. I generally have insight about my auditory hallucinations even though they still sound very real to me, I know other people can't hear the voices I hear(mind you, I only figured this out within the past year... before I thought everyone could hear the voices I heard, that wasn't fun). With visual and tactile ones I don't have as much insight. I can see how tactile ones would be confusing, that's been my experience too. When I have tactile hallucinations I generally don't have much insight about that.

I've bolded what my Mum considers to be true 'delusions' for me, even though I believe they're real, and my pdoc said I had somatic delusions of being touched, but how does that differ from a tactile hallucination??

A delusion is a fixed false belief. Logically, of course you feel like it's real. That's the definition of being delusional and otherwise psychotic, it means you're having experiences that are "out of touch with reality".

As far as the line between delusion and hallucination, I don't know. It's a grey area sometimes and I'm not sure where the line is either.

My head is very hazy, crazy, and I either can't access my thoughts because of the fog, smog and everything feels loud but like wading through mud.

Wow, I can relate to this! That's how I feel most of the time, like everything in my head is a haze/fog that I have to sort through. Wading through mud, that's a really good way to put it because that's exactly how it feels.

Sometimes I can't understand people when they're talking or read, but I always make sense when talking or writing, so I feel like I'm not really psychotic. I know some of you write and talk in word salad, but I don't because my parents would've said if I didn't make sense. I don't feel disorganised, just confused.

Thought disorganization is on a spectrum, just like anything else. It sounds like your thought disorganization is more mild, but it's still valid and still concerning. Word salad is an extreme form of thought disorganization. You're not automatically not psychotic just because you don't speak/write in word salad. I think that's a pretty common misconception actually that psychotics/schizophrenics don't "make sense". There used to be subtypes of schizophrenia as you probably know, and the paranoid subtype of it had the dominant features of hallucinations and delusions generally without formal thought disorder. It doesn't mean paranoid schizophrenics aren't schizophrenic/psychotic, it means they have a different kind of psychosis. Any illness on the schizophrenia/psychotic spectrum is complicated, and it's going to look different for each person.

And scared, very scared. Most of you said about feeling scared which I do to but that's because people are following me and reading my thoughts and could break in and hurt me etc etc, so I feel that's legitimate fear. And I have periods, mostly at night, where everything feels unreal and I'm really really scared. I'm a grown up who needs her Mum to sleep in her room at night because I'm too pathetic to sleep by myself right now!

Most professionals would classify this as paranoid delusional thinking.

Idk! I feel like my stuff isn't bad enough to qualify as psychosis and that my Mum and pdoc have overreacted. I feel like my new pdoc will dismiss me like I was dismissed before when I was catatonic. And this time I don't feel ill, not like before when I was catatonic. IDK.

I think it is bad enough. I think you're under reacting to it. Frankly, it sounds like you're dismissing yourself before someone else can. I know what it's like to be dismissed like that. It's worth it to keep talking about this though, because it's a big deal. Your problems are very real, and serious. You deserve to be listened to, validated, supported, helped, and treated with dignity and respect.

Thank you for your post Atypical I value your honesty. I'll mull over what you said and reply in the morning because it's getting late here and I need to think about what you said. Thank you though

*Willow*

[Ash0198]

- what symptoms did you have?

so called delusions - thinking i had hidden powers and that my initiation was what was going to make me come into those powers and switch on the genes that contained those powers. for this ti happen i have to give a blood offering or kill myself and be reborn.
Hallucinations both visual, auditory and taste. Visual - seeing the walls ripple and look as if they're breathing. see bug flying and see glitter falling from the ceiling (one of the more fun ones haha) and words inscribed on the walls. auditory - hearing distinct voices in my head...they're sometimes negative or they reinforce that i am special and that my initiation has to happen soon otherwise it'll never happen and that cant be. My name has been called out some many times i've lost count...and this is from outside my head too Taste - mainly of blood when there is no blood in my mouth....

- what feelings did you have?
feelings of me being special in some way....that i was different from anyone else. that i was right and everyone else were the crazy ones. i would feel weird...as if i wasnt real or something...its hard to explain but its as if im not really here...a fogginess or haziness and a heavy presence in my head...like something is in there and its F__king with my brain... thats when i can mainly tell that the voices are coming...because i can feel them in my head. and a feeling of being watched...but not to the point of paranoia or anything.

- what was your behaviour like? Did other people think it was odd?

i would zone out when the voices were talking or my eyes would look into space....just not present and with it i guess

- what explanation did you give for your experience at the time ie did you think you were psychotic or something else?

i never knew it was called being psychotic...i thought i was just the chosen one and this is who i was meant to be....i still think that to this day.

- were you on antipsychotics? Which one and did it help?

tried seroquel 600mg - helped...but made me put on weight and every so often i would still get the voices.
abilify 20mg - helped to begin with when i first got onto it...the second time not so much
Palliperidone - has helped so much!! on 75mg.

- were you hospitalised?

yes 3 times - the first time i was in for 6 days...and it was only a 24 hour holding unit too. - bad experience with that hospital.
second time - was in for 3 weeks
third time - was in for 6 weeks - the most positive experience i have ever had when dealing with hospitals!

- how long did it last?

my beliefs have lasted years..and i still have them...but they're less there in my head...if u get what i mean....

- anything else you feel would help explain your experience

nope not really

[KUREHA]

Reading this, it's 0% like me.
I don't know what my Dr and nurse are thinking.

I don't have delusions and I don't have hallucinations, so I'm not sick.

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Just because you know you're hallucinating doesn't make you any less psychotic, it just means you have insight. I generally have insight about my auditory hallucinations even though they still sound very real to me, I know other people can't hear the voices I hear(mind you, I only figured this out within the past year... before I thought everyone could hear the voices I heard, that wasn't fun). With visual and tactile ones I don't have as much insight. I can see how tactile ones would be confusing, that's been my experience too. When I have tactile hallucinations I generally don't have much insight about that.

I guess I didn't think that you could have insight for one thing and not for other things. I've known no one else could hear my voices right from the beginning. I don't really have visuals except for seeing things move out of the corner of my eye, which is considered 'normal', but it makes me scared that there's someone in my room or following me etc. On holiday it felt like I had bugs crawling on me a lot of the time, occasionally there was a bug, but the rest of the time there wasn't, but I don't know if that qualifies as a tactile hallucination. At one point I worried that the bugs were under my skin but I haven't thought that since the summer. Then what pdoc called a somatic delusion, was when I felt someone touch my back and I was convinced it was my Mum's foot, though she's disabled and couldn't get her foot up that high, but it really freaked me out and made me think someone was in the (locked) room with us if it wasn't her. Last night I felt Mum's hand push me in the back, but she wasn't even in the room last night so I freaked out again that someone was in the room and just lay there sobbing quietly so as not to wake anyone up. It sounds like a tactile hallucination I guess, but maybe my conviction that it was my Mum is what makes it a somatic delusion, idk?

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

A delusion is a fixed false belief. Logically, of course you feel like it's real. That's the definition of being delusional and otherwise psychotic, it means you're having experiences that are "out of touch with reality".

It's hard when you don't know if you can trust yourself or not. That's part of the reason I'm so confused - do I trust myself who tells me that this is all very, very real, or do I trust everyone else who says that I'm making it up and what worries me isn't real at all?! It's very hard because I grew up thinking that the only person I could rely on is myself, and now people are telling me that I can't even rely on myself...

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Thought disorganization is on a spectrum, just like anything else. It sounds like your thought disorganization is more mild, but it's still valid and still concerning. Word salad is an extreme form of thought disorganization. You're not automatically not psychotic just because you don't speak/write in word salad. I think that's a pretty common misconception actually that psychotics/schizophrenics don't "make sense". There used to be subtypes of schizophrenia as you probably know, and the paranoid subtype of it had the dominant features of hallucinations and delusions generally without formal thought disorder. It doesn't mean paranoid schizophrenics aren't schizophrenic/psychotic, it means they have a different kind of psychosis. Any illness on the schizophrenia/psychotic spectrum is complicated, and it's going to look different for each person.

Yes you're right Atypical. One of the guys I saw Sectioned when I did psych was making complete sense except he kept talking about and showing us 'evidence' of aliens, but I mean his sentence structure etc made sense.

I guess I just worry that I'm going to get dismissed again because you can't tell just by looking at me that something is wrong...even when something looked very wrong and I was catatonic, I was still dismissed. They shouted at me to talk to them and said I was rude and threatened me with being Sectioned, and I tried to talk to them but my thoughts were so fuzzy and I couldn't make my lips move

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

I think it is bad enough. I think you're under reacting to it. Frankly, it sounds like you're dismissing yourself before someone else can. I know what it's like to be dismissed like that. It's worth it to keep talking about this though, because it's a big deal. Your problems are very real, and serious. You deserve to be listened to, validated, supported, helped, and treated with dignity and respect.

Yeah dismissing myself before I get dismissed would be a defence mechanism of mine to try and protect myself from being hurt again. I'm sorry you've been dismissed too Atypical I really hope that this time it's different because otherwise I've moved away from a decent pdoc for nothing.

Thanks Atypical

@Kureha: That sounds very confusing for you when everyone is telling you you're ill, like me with my so-called 'delusions' when they feel so real

If I'm just hallucinating (voices and tactile) and not delusional (I'm not ready to accept that just yet), is that still psychosis then?

*Willow*

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

This is sort of how it feels for me too. My head is very hazy, crazy, and I either can't access my thoughts because of the fog, smog and everything feels loud but like wading through mud...

...If all of this is psychosis (which I doubt) then it's been going on since the Spring bring the voices really loud, but then I restarted aripiprazole/Abilify because the quetiapine/Seroquel wasn't helping and the voices haven't disappeared completely but for the most part...

I only vaguely remember writing this last night, but it seems I was clanging (bolded parts), which is odd. I don't think I've done that before.

*Willow*

[Atypical_Disaster]

I don't really have visuals except for seeing things move out of the corner of my eye, which is considered 'normal', but it makes me scared that there's someone in my room or following me etc.

Visual hallucinations are actually not as common in sz/sza. Sure they happen with some people, but it's mostly auditory hallucinations that sz/sza people have from what I've read.

Then what pdoc called a somatic delusion, was when I felt someone touch my back and I was convinced it was my Mum's foot, though she's disabled and couldn't get her foot up that high, but it really freaked me out and made me think someone was in the (locked) room with us if it wasn't her. Last night I felt Mum's hand push me in the back, but she wasn't even in the room last night so I freaked out again that someone was in the room and just lay there sobbing quietly so as not to wake anyone up. It sounds like a tactile hallucination I guess, but maybe my conviction that it was my Mum is what makes it a somatic delusion, idk?

I'm thinking the bolded part is probably why he classified that as a delusion, though it sounds like it was part hallucination too.

It's hard when you don't know if you can trust yourself or not. That's part of the reason I'm so confused - do I trust myself who tells me that this is all very, very real, or do I trust everyone else who says that I'm making it up and what worries me isn't real at all?! It's very hard because I grew up thinking that the only person I could rely on is myself, and now people are telling me that I can't even rely on myself...

I know how you feel. It sucks when everyone around you is telling you that your mind is betraying you, you end up not knowing what to think anymore.

Yes you're right Atypical. One of the guys I saw Sectioned when I did psych was making complete sense except he kept talking about and showing us 'evidence' of aliens, but I mean his sentence structure etc made sense.

I have that tendency to be right about things, isn't it annoying?

But yeah, it's possible for psychotics to talk coherently. As you know sometimes I come on here speaking in word salad, but other times like now I'm pretty coherent as far as I'm aware.

I guess I just worry that I'm going to get dismissed again because you can't tell just by looking at me that something is wrong...even when something looked very wrong and I was catatonic, I was still dismissed. They shouted at me to talk to them and said I was rude and threatened me with being Sectioned, and I tried to talk to them but my thoughts were so fuzzy and I couldn't make my lips move

I was dismissed like that when I've been catatonic before too. People were yelling at me to talk but I couldn't, and they thought I was just being dramatic when no... I really couldn't speak, even though I wanted to.

Yeah dismissing myself before I get dismissed would be a defence mechanism of mine to try and protect myself from being hurt again. I'm sorry you've been dismissed too Atypical I really hope that this time it's different because otherwise I've moved away from a decent pdoc for nothing.

I hope it's different for you this time too. I can tell you though that it's very unlikely that you'll be dismissed here, so talk away if you need/want to. Nobody's here to judge and if they are then they need to get out of here.

Even if you're "just" hallucinating, that's still a big deal and cause for concern. You've seen how bad things can turn out for me when I'm hallucinating, and I would hate for something like that to happen to you.

I only vaguely remember writing this last night, but it seems I was clanging (bolded parts), which is odd. I don't think I've done that before.

I do the clanging thing a lot, people end up looking at me like I'm weird. Typing is a bit easier because I have time to organize my thoughts, though I can't help it when things are really starting to go badly for me. With clanging it just, I don't know... it makes sense to me at the time? Blah, it sucks to be crazy.

[faerie_moon_x]

Okay mine is based on what I remember, obviously. And what I go through now. Remember is red and now is green.

So when psychotic:
- what symptoms did you have?
I had odd beliefs and hallucinations, some visual and some auditory, but not that many hallucinations. My odd beliefs revolved around people plotting against me and my neighborhood, being a powerful being magically, and being a targeted individual of a secret organization.

I have feelings of being watched, spied on, and plotted against. I have random hallucinations that are not common more visual than auditory, but they are really rare (like every few months.)

- what feelings did you have?
I felt very powerful mixed with some fear. I was afraid of the people after me but I also believed I was more powerful than them and that I could defeat them. Otherwise I felt good with less depressive episodes but possibly more manic episodes (that one is what I can't really knwo for sure.)

I have a lot of anger and suspiciousness. I start to feel trapped and like I'm losing control. I feel like I have no one to turn to because I start to think everyone is against me, doesn't like me, and wants to see me fail. I become sad and fearful as well, but it tends to manifest as anger.

- what was your behaviour like? Did other people think it was odd?
I was performing well at school, but I was also very paranoid. I called the police to my house multiple times because I heard people sneaking around outside my window. I was trying to recruit anyone who would listen to know the dangers of the secret society out to get me. I told my story over and over, even to people who already knew. At the time I don't feel I was acting odd, but I think lots of people noticed and many people used that oddity for their own amusement, I didn't realize that at the time.

I become very scattered. I can't put things in order. Everything around me become cluttered. I can't think clearly so I get frustrated really fast. I just want to sit and not move or do anything, just look at pictures online or watch t.v. or play a game. Something distracting. I feel really frustrated and irritated and tend to be more snippy. My family notices my bad mood, but they don't say much about it but I also don't think they fully realize what's going on because I try to hide everything to not bother them.

- what explanation did you give for your experience at the time ie did you think you were psychotic or something else?
I believed I was powerful and I was the chosen one. At the time I felt it was all very real and nothing was wrong. I thought I was building an army of friends and was very confidant in everything happening around me.

I can't say if I'm psychotic or not, but I can say I'm not in a good state of mind or feeling well. I feel like I'm going crazy. I also feel like my issues aren't that important and try to hide them.

- were you on antipsychotics? Which one and did it help?
I was not in any treatment.

Now I'm not in treatment but I've been on Abilify and that I was allergic to and it didn't help that I know of.

- were you hospitalised?
Never been hospitalized for mental health.

- how long did it last?
n/a

- anything else you feel would help explain your experience
I think when it's happening that I feel like everyone is against me I feel really alone and angry. I also am scared that I'm going to lose everything.

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Even if you're "just" hallucinating, that's still a big deal and cause for concern. You've seen how bad things can turn out for me when I'm hallucinating, and I would hate for something like that to happen to you.

I just feel like a giant fraud though because my voices are reasonably quiet right now (due to meds) and I've only had these tactile hallucinations/"somatic delusions" 3x in the last 2 weeks. Granted they leave me a sobbing mess at night but I just need to get over it, which I will cos I know what they are now and that they're not real.

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

I do the clanging thing a lot, people end up looking at me like I'm weird. Typing is a bit easier because I have time to organize my thoughts, though I can't help it when things are really starting to go badly for me. With clanging it just, I don't know... it makes sense to me at the time? Blah, it sucks to be crazy.

It's weird that I edited it, as I do all my posts, and just left it in because...idk...I just liked the sound of it

*Willow*

[faerie_moon_x]

You sound like me, Willow... it doesn't happen that often so I just ignore it or tell myself it will stop.

I also have words I just like saying them. It just sounds good. It is easier to type. I do a lot of editing. I try to stop myself because I think it would be better to leave it, but then I can't help it because I don't want to look bad either.

Originally Posted by faerie_moon_x

You sound like me, Willow... it doesn't happen that often so I just ignore it or tell myself it will stop.

Yeah I'm used to it by now so I don't think it's such a big deal

Originally Posted by faerie_moon_x

I also have words I just like saying them. It just sounds good. It is easier to type. I do a lot of editing. I try to stop myself because I think it would be better to leave it, but then I can't help it because I don't want to look bad either.

Faerie

Yeah I edit a lot too cos I don't want to seem stupid. Thank god for autocorrect for all my spelling mistakes!!

*Willow*

[faerie_moon_x]

Yeah, I don't want to look stupid. I used to be amazing with spelling and grammar. Now I feel like my brain is all full of mush and I can't remember how certain words spell and how to get my scentances out right. Sometimes I do really well. Other times I feel like I'm trying to pull words through a brick wall in my head.

I don't know if that's psychosis, though. It's just this massive block in my head and I can't get passed it.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by faerie_moon_x

Yeah, I don't want to look stupid. I used to be amazing with spelling and grammar. Now I feel like my brain is all full of mush and I can't remember how certain words spell and how to get my scentances out right. Sometimes I do really well. Other times I feel like I'm trying to pull words through a brick wall in my head.

I don't know if that's psychosis, though. It's just this massive block in my head and I can't get passed it.

I don't know if that's psychosis but it does sound like some kind of thought disorder.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

I don't know if that's psychosis but it does sound like some kind of thought disorder.

I know something is wrong. I just don't know what. I didn't used to be this way, that I know for sure. At least... not this bad... some things like my inablity to get organized I've had for a long time but it still wasn't as bad as it is now.

[sweetmadness]

I have either Bipolar or SZA. I haven't had many bothersome symptoms anymore, sometimes I hear an inner push or thought but it's something I've adapted to and the odd thing is it's usually a good thing or there's a rational reason to hear the thought. Like "go do your homework" or intuition about something I forgot. I don't have delusions but I had brief delusions on Adderall so it's deff chemical related. I had a brief bout of paranoia and I got off the medication I had been taking, which was either Strattera or Adderall.

So when psychotic:
- what symptoms did you have?
paranoia, heightened senses, photo sensitivity, better memory, inability to sleep or sit still, agitation (now doc thinks it was mania not schizophrenia)

- what feelings did you have? (either extreme depression, or extreme euphoria, confusion, high empathy, fear and hopelessness)

- what was your behaviour like? Did other people think it was odd?
(catatonic or motionless, fearful, later I had outbursts that were driven by manic delusions or paranoid associations)

- what explanation did you give for your experience at the time ie did you think you were psychotic or something else?

(I thought i was just hyper-aware and could learn to control it at first. Then I began thinking they were brainwashing me, that computers stole your soul, and that the future of medicare would be a highly control oriented almost, prison system where mentally ill people would be warehoused and tagged with electronic ID's and that everyone would be on camera, and people would eventually be conditioned in an orewellian control system, which I predicated would be the end result of the way mental health is heading.)

I was also told by my psychiatrist that anti-psychotics would correct false memories, and I had no false memories at the time, which further proved my fear of them trying to condition and brainwash me. Main reason was I was manic, and also highly aware. After the doctor said that stuff about false memories I kept a daily secret journal in the hospital, since they kept throwing away my public folders at least 3 times my folders were actually just thrown out by the staff.


- were you on antipsychotics? Which one and did it help?

Yes and I refused Geodon, which i was on when I relapsed three days later because it was making it worse. It caused me to hear voices and become more manic.

Other anti-psychotics work. I do not take anti-depressants. The best anti-depressants for me though were Wellbutrin and Lexapro.

- were you hospitalised? a couple times.

- how long did it last? typically longer than necessary IMO, first time 9 weeks then 3 weeks then 3 weeks again because it didn't actually help me.

- anything else you feel would help explain your experience

IDK. I'm pretty much right about all my predictions. I've also had all my premonitions come true that I had before.

I think I'm possibly more of the enlightened then the "manic" type, more spiritually open and there-fore vulnerable to our culture's standards.

Commenting on this so I can remember to respond later, when I can actually lend time to read everyone's responses.