What psychosis is like for me (triggering?)

Djinn8 · Jan 29, 2014, 06:04 PM

It means to be in such emotional anguish that I want to die, but being unable to kill myself because I know that all the people that have ever hurt me in my life are going to jump out of the woodwork and shout "GOTCHA!" as I stumble about in a pool of my own blood.

tohelpafriend · Jan 29, 2014, 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Djinn8

It means to be in such emotional anguish that I want to die, but being unable to kill myself because I know that all the people that have ever hurt me in my life are going to jump out of the woodwork and shout "GOTCHA!" as I stumble about in a pool of my own blood.

Hi,
'just happened to read your post....i know psychosis can be a very painful and scary thing, but there is hope and healing....if you don't mind my asking, are you in T right now or somewhere where you can get good counseling on how you are feeling right now? Medications, etc.
Peace,
"help........."

Djinn8 · Jan 29, 2014, 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tohelpafriend

Hi,
'just happened to read your post....i know psychosis can be a very painful and scary thing, but there is hope and healing....if you don't mind my asking, are you in T right now or somewhere where you can get good counseling on how you are feeling right now? Medications, etc.
Peace,
"help........."

No meds and I'm in art therepy. The mental health service have always dismissed me. At the moment I really upset because I'm feeling lonely. It's making me go back an forth over my entire life, reliving all the horrible things that have happened to me. Can't sleep, but I'm exhausted. Can't eat but my stomach is cramping. Feel like I'm on the verge of bursting into hysterical laughter, or tears, or both. I feel like I'm going to start hallucinating soon. I've been seeing owl spirits recently. I kind of like them however, they feel quite warm and compassionate. Well, so far anyway.

Djinn8 · Jan 30, 2014, 01:51 PM

I can't take this. I managed to get to sleep last night eventually, but woke late and so drained. I had been invited by my T to a new group today (not a T group), but I was so drained I couldn't go.

I had hoped that I might be feeling better today, but I don't. I've been really angry all day. The only people in my life at the moment are my sister and her husband, but they treat me like crap. I sent them a message saying that I hate the way they treat me and that I can't stand it anymore. That they win. That the way they treat me is driving me to the grave.

They didn't respond and I feel like I can't forgive them even if they asked me to (which they won't). I've cut the last people I know from my life. I have nothing to do now but wait until my next T session which is a fortnight away. I've got no escape from feeling like this now. I've no place to go. I'm just going to be stuck in the dark driving myself mad. I can't take a whole fortnight of this right now. I don't think I'm going to make it.

Djinn8 · Jan 30, 2014, 01:56 PM

Everything my eyes fall upon in my room looks like a tool I can use to kill myself.

Djinn8 · Jan 30, 2014, 01:58 PM

I don't want them to win.

faerie_moon_x · Jan 30, 2014, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Djinn8

I don't want them to win.

They dont' have to, win. In fact, not wanting them to win is a good first step to fighting suicidal thoughts. I have lived with suicidal thoughts since I was a kid, and I know it's very hard to fight them sometimes. But, the truth is, they are lies your own brain tells you. Suicidal thoughts are horrible things.

You can make it to your next T appointment. YOu just have to find other things to occupy you. Give yourself tiny goals. "I'm going to survive long enough to brush my teeth tonight," that's a good goal. I'm seriouis and it may seem silly, but it works. Make your big goal, "I'm going to stay alive long enough to see my T again."

You can make it. I believe in you.

Zaria · Jan 30, 2014, 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Djinn8

I can't take this. I managed to get to sleep last night eventually, but woke late and so drained. I had been invited by my T to a new group today (not a T group), but I was so drained I couldn't go.

I had hoped that I might be feeling better today, but I don't. I've been really angry all day. The only people in my life at the moment are my sister and her husband, but they treat me like crap. I sent them a message saying that I hate the way they treat me and that I can't stand it anymore. That they win. That the way they treat me is driving me to the grave.

They didn't respond and I feel like I can't forgive them even if they asked me to (which they won't). I've cut the last people I know from my life. I have nothing to do now but wait until my next T session which is a fortnight away. I've got no escape from feeling like this now. I've no place to go. I'm just going to be stuck in the dark driving myself mad. I can't take a whole fortnight of this right now. I don't think I'm going to make it.

Severe depression IS very draining on the body physically. Is there anything you like to do to comfort yourself? Can you summon the strength to get out for a walk, listen to music, or watch a good movie (to steer your mind from the dark, angry thoughts)?

punkybrewster6k · Jan 30, 2014, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by splash

Hi Racheli,

I don't have an answer for you about the server, but I did want to say I visited your website, and I like it a lot. Great design and content ideas. Good job!

I noticed that the URL on your profile page had an addtional http:// , so that when you click on it, you come to a page not found error page. Just wanted you to know.

I bookmarked your site as there is a lot to see. Thanks for sharing!

splash

(((HUGS))

Sent from my SCH-S720C using Tapatalk 2

punkybrewster6k · Jan 30, 2014, 07:28 PM

(((HUGS)))

Sent from my SCH-S720C using Tapatalk 2

faerie_moon_x · Jan 31, 2014, 01:00 PM

Hey Djinn, check in you can. Hope things have eased up a bit for you.

Djinn8 · Jan 31, 2014, 06:23 PM

Hi, still here.

The message I sent to my sister didn't get a response. I managed to fall asleep sometime in the early morning. I was awoken by the sound of my front door opening some time late evening. My mother, sister and bro-in-law let themselves in with the spare key. My mother started to scream at me, but my sister told her to shut up and made her leave.

My sister sat with me for a few min and asked if I was OK, but her husband was tapping his foot down the hall the whole time saying that they were late for an appointment and needed to go, so she left. As my mother was leaving she started to shout stuff about how the house was a mess and I should get things cleaned up (it's not, I'm actually pretty organized with that sort of thing).

I checked my phone to find missed calls and a message from my bro-in-law, calling me a wanker for upsetting their schedule.

1 day down, 13 more to go before I get to see the therapist and I can start the long count down all over again.

newtus · Jan 31, 2014, 06:31 PM

Djinn8

Djinn8 · Jan 31, 2014, 09:54 PM

I feel like I'm dispersing in the wind. I can't tell if everything that's happened in my life REALLY did happen. You people out there, are you real?

newtus · Jan 31, 2014, 10:14 PM

im very much real

Fuzzy Numbers · Feb 02, 2014, 01:32 PM

you need to eat and sleep! Satisfying your basic needs will help you feel a little better. I'm sorry that no one gets you. Your story pains me. I wish you feel better. Good luck. Suicide is permanent solution to a temporary problem. Idk if that helps. By winning would mean you get through this and you find your way once more, not death.

Djinn8 · 09:51 PM

I just don't understand the world. I am a kind and compassionate person. I've put myself out for others, even in physical danger, with no other motive than that it was the right thing to do. Yet here I am, alone and excluded from the world, while vain, greedy, cruel, sociopathic people flourish and are happy. Not once has a person shown the same level of sacrifice and compassion towards me as I have to them. They devour my love and cast me aside. Is that what it means to be a functional member of society? Is it all just a competition to brow beat and take from one another?

I spent a while pretending I was one of those people today (or was it yesterday? The days blend together), but I couldn't really do it. It was fun to fantasize for a while though.

I shaved my head and my beard. I'd been growing my beard for years. I don't look like myself any more. Not sure why I did it. I think I was punishing myself to make me more modest.

My T appointment got put back. Now I'm back to 14 days of waiting.

faerie_moon_x · Feb 03, 2014, 12:34 PM

Unfortunatley, our society prides "independance" over community or being helpful. So those of us who are naturally caregiving and nurturing tend to get taken advantage of by people who want to be cared for but don't want to give back. It seems to be a common problem and it's not your fault this happens.

I've found it's impossible for me to be that way as well, even when I'm angry, I have this deep drive to take care of people. I tend to love by the golden rule of "do unto others as you would have them do to you." But, of course, it comes up one sided mostly. I voice when things are not equal but that usually does very little. Some people seem to try but can't actually do it. Some people think they do but don't.

By the way, I am real, too.

junkDNA · Feb 03, 2014, 04:30 PM

djinn

faerie_moon_x · Feb 03, 2014, 04:34 PM

Hey, Djinn, I thought I would say keep talking to us. Even if your family is clueless, we all get it and we're all here to listen. Even if soemtimes we take a bit to see what you said, everyone here has been there and cares. That's my experience anyway.

Djinn8 · 12:11 AM

Hi everyone,

I'm thinking of disowning my sister. I wrote her a letter. I've not given it to her yet and don't know whether I should. I would like to post it here and see what people think. I know this should be in R&C forum, but I just thought I'd make it a part of this thread, I hope no one minds.

ED: I know the best thing to do is just not be in touch again and this letter is just about working out my own feelings. I'm probably not going to give it her in the end.

Quote:

Bekie,

I’ve got some things to say. I want to explain how you, and the people you associate yourself with, have let me down. This will be the last that you here from me. From this point on I am no longer your friend or your brother. From the way that you have treated me, I doubt that I ever really was.

I want you to understand that I don’t know how to live in a city. Living in Lowedges was such a different experience. Being so far away from anything, and with the average level of income being so low, life there meant living in and around the estate. No one went out for nights on the town, or took trips, or did activities because they couldn’t afford it. So people spent their time around each other’s houses, or walking in the countryside, or down the local pub. Because no one really left the estate, we had to rely on each other. There was a real sense of community (for better or worse depending on where you fit in). Everyone knew everyone, even if only by reputation. Walking to the local shops was a social outing in itself, as the chances were you would bump into someone. I’m making it sound like Postman Pat’s village or something. And well, yeah, maybe it was a bit like that, only with more poverty and nut jobs.

So why did I leave? Well, most of my closest friends left. Jeff went crazy and moved away. Gav went to look after his mother after his step-dad died. Pete and Al moved back to Ireland. Leon had a kid and vanished off the face of the earth. Craig moved to Spain. Sally made a new group of friends and stopped hanging out with me. Jeanine escaped to another estate after suffering harassment from the local chavs. Mat moved away to somewhere and lost touch. Richard went to work in Kent. And “Big Rich” died of heart attack. There weren’t many people left except for those who I knew in passing. I was starting to feel like the last man on Earth. But it wasn’t just that, otherwise I would have just rebuilt my circle of friends. Emma and I wanted a family and we needed a house that could support that life style. Nan dying and Mum buying the house was like a miracle for us.

Like I said, I have no idea how to live in a city. It seems more about having a network of friends to meet up with than a community of neighbours. But I didn’t know how to create that network? I was looking to you for help with that, but you let me down. Ask yourself, how many times did you invite Emma and me to go out with you while we were still together…? The answer is once. You had a house party shortly after we moved down here. That’s it. In just over a year, you invited us out once. Thanks for that - real welcoming of you.

Having no one to visit or go out with as a couple, put a lot of strain on our relationship. She was not always the easiest person to deal with and was prone to blaming me when she became unhappy. And we WERE unhappy down here because of how lonely we both were. I kept on trying to build some sort of network through you and your friends, but, to be frank; the people you associate with are horrible people. I’ve never met a more unfriendly, snobbish, exclusionary bunch in my life. Not a single one has made the effort to get to know me. In fact, the only of your friends that had ever even bothered to even try and talk with me are Chris, who I couldn’t understand; John, who is well John; and Kerry, who I’ll get to in a little while. The rest don’t even try to engage me and just ignore me completely. Even when I try to talk to them, I just get sneers or curt responses in return. In the end Emma turned to the Nazi’s she met through her support group. I hope that puts things into perspective for you. You and your friends have been less welcoming than a group of psychopathic, crack-head, racists.

Still, I plugged away. When you said you wanted to play some role play games and asked if I could organize it for you, I accepted. I want you to understand how doing that was hard for me. Writing it was hard, not just because the scenarios are difficult to write, but because I had sworn of writing ever again. That used to be my job you know, being a writer. I studied it at college. I was a member of the British Writers Association. I worked as the Editor/Scriptwriter for a newspaper. And I was an aspiring fiction writer. I stopped all that when the focus on my writing caused the breakdown of mine and Lisa’s relationship. I lost my daughter because of that. I’ve never told anyone that before. But yeah, I have a daughter, but I don’t even know her name. Can you picture how painful that is?

And so can you see how I had to face some demons when writing that game? Let’s not forget that I then had to showcase and preform it for a group of people who I didn’t really know and who had up to that point been quite unfriendly towards me. Add to that the fact that I am someone who is quite socially anxious and it takes things to a whole new level of difficulty. I got over all those roadblocks however, because making friends and getting a new life off the ground was really important. What was the payoff though? Nothing! Rob didn’t like it, so he called the whole thing off. But it wasn’t his to put an end to! AND HOW ****ING DARE HE SPEAK ON MY BEHALF! It’s not enough that the two of you excluded and made us feel unwelcome amongst your friends, but then he had to go and sabotage my efforts once I was given the chance. And for what…? Because Rob wasn’t the center of attention? WELL **** HIM! The way he talks down to me and how disrespectful he is to me, he’s lucky I haven’t decided to make him the center of attention at a crime scene.

And if you choose to show him this letter, I’m guessing that will rub his sociopathic feathers a bit. Well if he likes he can come around and I’ll introduce him to the business end of my staff. And let me tell you about how I came into possession of that! After me and Lisa broke up, Jason (the kid she left with), didn’t want me hanging around. He and his mates started to terrorize me to make me move. I was attacked in the streets multiple times, and attacked once in my home when they kicked in my door. They cut me up with box-cutters and beat me with a baseball bat. They smashed my windows regularly and I couldn’t walk the streets. People started to call me “Punchbag” because I was always ****ed up. I was utterly destroyed by the experience. It was bad enough that I’d lost the love of my life and my daughter without going through that as well. I used the money we got from Grandma after she died to pay for a house with Chris and his mates, but the bullying continued there. That was just evil considering I used to protect him from his abusive Dad - but that’s another story. I couldn’t go back to Lowedges and face what was waiting for me, but I had nowhere else to go. So I tried to kill myself - only I screwed it up. When I got out of hospital, I came to the only place I thought I could go: to you, my sister. You were my last refuge. I thought you would understand and let me stay while I found some place to go. You gave me a week before you kicked me out. THE INCONVINIANCE OF HAVING ME SLEEP ON YOUR SOFA FOR A FEW WEEKS WAS A GREATER MATTER THAN MY LIFE!!! The only reason I survived when I got back was because I started walking around with a 6’ staff with iron mace-heads bolted on the ends. So if Rob wants to find out what the two of you taught me to do with it, he’s welcome to a demonstration.

*deep breath.
Ok, I got a bit wound up there.

After me and Emma split, you actually became a bit more sociable towards me. You started to invite me out a bit more. It was still really rare (I’ve been out with you what, eight times in nearly two years?), but it was something. I remember running into Kerry one night at the pub. Her and John were talking about running a role play game and invited me along. It was better late than never, I suppose, and the nice thing to do in the situation. Karmic really, since it was returning the favour and showing compassion for someone who needed it. I’d always liked Kerry as well, so I was glad that it was her who was showing me a bit of decency and friendship. I tried to stay in touch, but when the day came, there was no call. I assumed that it just hadn’t happened, but I was wrong. She just didn’t bother to invite me. How cruel is that? She knew what the situation was for me, but she was just too much of a self-centred **** to consider doing something decent and kind. It’s funny how when she broke up with John she ended up looking for the same compassion and support that she’d denied me. She got it - even from me. But did she deserve it? Probably not, but then I’m not as heartless as her.

Now I’m not going to say that my intentions were entirely altruistic in that. I’d carried a torch for Kerry for a while and she was always really flirty with me. It caused quite a bit of friction between Emma and me since she picked up on the connection and was really paranoid about me going down to yours in case Kerry was there (ironic really considering her solution to the mess we’d landed in). At Christmas, Kerry started to hit on me (and it wasn’t misinterpreted, she actually said that she liked me). She was the one who asked to meet up after the New Year. When I followed up on that, she blew me off. I got pissy because it was the same old **** as before. Only then did she agree to meet up. When I called her up for our second meeting, surprise, surprise, I wasn’t worth her time as per usual. I just don’t understand her attitude. She did something while we were out that showed just how ugly a creature she really is though. Some girl called up asking to meet her and Kerry got all superior. She started acting like some ***** from an American High School movie, talking about how this girl didn’t have many friends and how she was sooo much better than her because of it. The thing is, despite the contempt that she was showing to this girl, she did/does meet up with her. So what does that make her stance on me, whose friendship she actively spits on? What’s beneath contempt?

And that’s the golden phrase to describe how I’ve been treated by you and your friends. With contempt! Because of that my move has failed. My relationship has failed. My hopes and plans for a family have failed. And now I’m alone, utterly. Every day is the same day of nothing happening and no options to change it. I tried to go out on my own, but it’s unsatisfying. I tried using the internet to find a date or interest groups, but it turned out to be hard work with no pay off. I tried to find work, but found myself being turned down for jobs I wouldn’t want to do anyway. Humans are social creatures and when you remove them from society they start to fall apart. Solitary confinement is considered a punishment, but here I am stuck in it with no way out and have been for almost two years now. There’s nothing left for me anymore and I have nowhere else to go. I placed my trust in you and in turn you’ve ruined me with your indifference. Do you understand why I can no longer call you family?

Your ex-brother,
Dan

PS: I love the girls and wish only the best for them. Don’t take Izzy hawking to teach her the joy of killing. We don’t need more sociopaths in the world like Rob. And while this is just a thought, I think that Meg would make a fantastic air hostess: you should try and direct her life towards that if you can.

PPS: You can do better than Rob. He might make for a good provider, but he is a terrible person. Rob doesn’t have friends, only rivals and willing slaves. You might feel special because you are first amongst his chosen subjects, but don’t be fooled, you’re his slave too. Also, watch him and Kerry: something is going on between them behind your back. Don’t believe me? Well, just keep it in mind and watch the truth unfold. When you see it for yourself, do me a favour and punch her in her smug face.

faerie_moon_x · Feb 04, 2014, 10:38 AM

If you decide not to give her the letter, you should burn it. Give it to the universe and ask for healing in this situation. That's what I would do if I wasn't going to give it.

DePressMe · Feb 05, 2014, 03:27 AM

Djinn8, I hear where you are coming from--the death thoughts are the hardest things for me to deal with. They seem to buil on one another--a few thoughts lead to more complex thoughts and they add up until they are overwhelming. My illness feeds off the anxiety and depression caused by this process. The longer it goes on the less I take care of myself and then, not taking care of myself adds to it's severity and I'm in a nasty cycle that's hard to break. While you are in the midst of it, it's hard to see anything but death. But, it won't last forever, you'll have a break through--maybe notice some good element like the bright warmth of the sun or the comforting softness of a blanket...then you can build on those good things and change your direction. The pain you are in will get better--as hard as it is, as impossible as it sounds, there is some good in your life......D.

Menu

What psychosis is like for me (triggering?)

My Support Forums