[Rand.]

Hey all... I just want to vent, no need to reply or anything if you don't want. I kinda alluded to this elsewhere but yeah, just need to let it out because I've been ruminating and my next appointment isn't until the end of March. I'm worried the Dr is thinking I might have a Schizophrenia-spectrum disorder. Actually I know he is, but I think he's thinking it might be a little more serious than initially. I told them about some of the things which I now think were probably delusions (being watched, stalked, having powers, being monitored by an organization because of my abilities, being targeted by demons and possessed, TV becoming alive and trying to attack my mind, and others but you get the idea). I didn't tell them everything but then they didn't ask many questions, probably because I was so anxious about telling them at all. But they doubled my anti-psychotic and honestly, anti-psychotics are the only things that have helped in any way. Now, I know that doesn't mean anything in and of itself but still. Anti depressants either don't work or make me worse or at the worst make me delusional (dangerously that one time actually, but they don't know about that). Anyways, nothing has ever fit at all. I went to a mood disorders group for 2 months 2x a week and felt like I was in the wrong place. I couldn't relate to anything or anyone. Doc said he's thinking of ruling out mood disorders now. And then I read about Schizophrenia-spectrum disorders and it just... suddenly things fit - the cognitive issues, the negative symptoms and positive symptoms. It would explain so so much about why I've struggled as much as I have over the years. In one way I just want them to tell me what it is, whatever it is, so I can find some relief in my mind, but I am glad they aren't jumping too quickly into anything. I feel like I'm bracing myself for someone to rip a bandage off. I just want to understand. My counselor thinks I should stop thinking or reading about all this, and I know she's right - I can't diagnose myself or anything and it doesn't help or make any difference to think about it. I know it's probably ridiculous to think about such things but it's hard not to right now. And then sometimes I think, "Maybe it's actually nothing at all - maybe nothing is wrong with me at all and it's like the one gp doctor said "it's all in his head." Anyways, thanks if you read this and sorry for rambling.

[Sometimes psychotic]

You know a diagnosis is both important and unimportant anf for me what I wanted was not a label but an idea of outcome---willl I get better, do I need to stay on meds etc. and perhaps that's what you want to know too? I know for me it took like 6 months to ask about my diagnosis and even then they weren't able to tell me I didn't have schizophrenia---they told me that would have to take me off the meds first---its been 2.5 years since my first break and I'm off the meds now for 3 months---now I have 2 pdocs telling me it will never happen again but its taken years for them to even have some idea and all they really tell me in terms of diagnosis is that it was psychosis which is no different than what they told me the first week. So honestly don't focus too much on what it is or is not because it seems to take forever for them to come up with a dx and by then your course is already clear. Just be who you are OK?

[Rand.]

Thanks for the reply, Sometimes. Yeah, that is what I want to know, too. Having the right dx will make medications and treatments and programs different which could help quite a bit I believe. After thinking about it some more, I suppose the reason I've been so anxious about it all is I've been living through all this with no answers for so long I just want answers. I want to understand why I've had to go through what I've gone through. I have to say though it's good to know that pDocs can take a while on coming up with a dx.

[Victoria'smom]

Have you asked you therapist what she writes for insurance. My therapist bates when I ask. She avoids. One time she said what my chart has down. I then told her that I know what my chart says but what does SHE think. After trying to wiggle out of it she said the least descriptive DX possible.

Also you can as your pdoc

[Rand.]

There's no insurance so... T doesn't actually know at all. And when I asked my nurse (I rarely see pdoc) it wasn't in the best situation so she basically said she didn't know... I will be asking again next time but it's going to be a while before I get to see again.

[likewater]

A good dx, I.think does give.you the.right treatment, but I realized I'm. The.same.person whether I
am dxed DID or Schizophrenic. So, in the end, you are your soul and your spirit.THAT is the essence of you, not your dx.

[Rand.]

Likewater you're right I need to keep that in mind. thank you

[Rand.]

And thanks everyone I feel a whole lot better just being able to talk it out. I'll wait and ask pDoc next time what they are really thinking

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