[Tower_Tusk]

I came home from school last December in a psychotic state (no one seems to be able to pinpoint why; there seem to be so many factors but at first they were thinking it was just excessive pot intake.) My memory of that time is relatively clear and among the delusions I was entertaining were that I was in purgatory, that I had done something evil and the world was now paying for my sin, that machines were somehow in control of our destiny, that I was a prophet, that I had cast a black magic spell, and a lot of other ones that don't really make sense when you stack them together. My parents didn't know quite what to do and the psychiatrist didn't seem to know what was going on either so I was given some clonazepam (which I thought was funny because I had abused it in the past); 1 in the morning and one at night. For a month and a few weeks I seemed to be getting better but I guess I was just suppressing the delusions. It was sometime during this period that I started abusing the clonazepam. I was chronically depressed about my condition and it made me feel normal. Then on a night when I was feeling some instinct of self-preservation I flushed it all down the toilet. A few nights later I was hit with a flash of panic as though my body was shutting down and I would die, it felt so intense and so real. Since then my memory has been ****ed (not that it was good before that) and I haven't been able to complete what little schoolwork I have. What little energy I have has been devoted to trying not to give my parents a heart attack (they are both in their 60s and have had to deal on top of this with the simultaneous death of two close friends and putting my grandmother in assisted living for alzheimer's) but I'm not doing that very well either. I feel like every thought I have or every muscle I move is under the microscope of "is this okay, is this how I would normally do this" or else "is this going to have this effect on this person?"

Reading some of you guys' posts it seems to me like you all at least have the comfort of giving a name to your condition. I'm sure it doesn't seem easy at all but I don't even know what the **** is happening to me! Including the final week of school in which I was psychotic, since this began I have experienced hallucinations, anxiety, depression, and my condition only seems to be able to explain itself in terms of itself. I would kill to just have a diagnosis. Typing in this box has made me feel normal (or maybe just distracted) for a little bit, but every-time I am left alone I just get some manifestation of my condition and I don't know how much longer I can take this.

[Sometimes psychotic]

So they didn't give you an antipsychotic that sounds bizarre to me. They must have assumed you would become less psychotic as the drug cleared your system unless you are still smoking. If you are then you need to stop to figure out what's going on. Pot typically exacerbates psychotic symptoms. So you could have just drug induced psychosis and that is a diagnosis itself or you could have something on the schizophrenia spectrum. Are you still hallucinating/delusional? How long did it last?

I know how important a diagnosis can be. Whenever I was given one, it allowed me to make sense of my experiences. Recently I had all of these diagnoses taken away from me to be replaced by nothing, and I felt uncertain and dismissed and actually very, very angry with those who had taken away my explanation/certainty.

However, I've since come to realise that what we actually gain from a diagnosis is understanding: we can look up the condition to understand it and ourselves better. However, even without a diagnosis, we can still come to understand ourselves better by examining our symptoms. So that has been what I have focused on lately; reading up about my symptoms and the stories of others with similar symptoms (whatever their actual diagnosis) and feel that I have a better understanding of myself even without a label.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that diagnosis is not important per se, it's the understanding we can get from it that matters and is what you seem to be searching for, which is obtainable without necessarily ever getting a formal diagnosis.

All the best Tower_Tusk

*Willow*

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

However, I've since come to realise that what we actually gain from a diagnosis is understanding: we can look up the condition to understand it and ourselves better. However, even without a diagnosis, we can still come to understand ourselves better by examining our symptoms. So that has been what I have focused on lately; reading up about my symptoms and the stories of others with similar symptoms (whatever their actual diagnosis) and feel that I have a better understanding of myself even without a label.

I really needed to read this. It made my eyes water.

I don't have a formal diagnosis either and will probably never get one unless I experience another psychosis. Reading academic papers, psychiatric textbooks and the experiences of others has really helped me understand what happened to me. All these things confirmed my experience was real and valid, which a psychiatrist could never do because they did not go through my experience. All they can go by is observation and what I tell them, which is very limited. - A 2004 psychiatric consultation I read confirmed this. The psychiatrist wasn't able to capture what I went through at all.

Sometimes a diagnosis can do a lot of harm, especially if it isn't correct. First episode psychosis doesn't mean you will develop schizophrenia or any other related disorder. Responsible psychiatrists are cautious, because a lot of people who become psychotic recover and only experience it once.

[Tower_Tusk]

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

So they didn't give you an antipsychotic that sounds bizarre to me. They must have assumed you would become less psychotic as the drug cleared your system unless you are still smoking. If you are then you need to stop to figure out what's going on. Pot typically exacerbates psychotic symptoms. So you could have just drug induced psychosis and that is a diagnosis itself or you could have something on the schizophrenia spectrum. Are you still hallucinating/delusional? How long did it last?

I'm not smoking. I was given an antipsychotic. I've been on abilify for about a month though of course the dosage was upped since then (when I had my dying delusion.) Initially, for the first few weeks I was home though, I was on nothing at all except the 1 clonazepam in the morning and 1 at night.

I am still somewhat delusional, and I can't stop seeing "signs" that everything I thought was true everywhere. I don't think I've hallucinated at all recently it's just I keep seeing things happen and being like "that's part of it I know it!" The delusions are however interwoven with depression at my inability to do my familial and social duties properly. I have experienced so many delusions I don't know if I would even feel it if one or two went away.

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, keep seeing your pdoc and you might get a dx. My biggest reason for my dx is that I don't get to see the pdoc. I have a "partial" dx. Bipolar nos with possible psychosis, GAD, and schizoid personality (which I don't fully agree with that last one.) My psychologist is the one who identified I'm a rapid cycler, I got to see her more until she retired.

But, I feel if I had treatment long ago my dx would be really different. But ther'es nothing I can do about it now. So, keep sseeeing y our pdoc and you'll get answers hoepfully. I feel I won't ever have answers.

Sorry my mind is kind of off kilter right now, sorry for the typing errors.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by Tower_Tusk

I'm not smoking. I was given an antipsychotic. I've been on abilify for about a month though of course the dosage was upped since then (when I had my dying delusion.) Initially, for the first few weeks I was home though, I was on nothing at all except the 1 clonazepam in the morning and 1 at night.

I am still somewhat delusional, and I can't stop seeing "signs" that everything I thought was true everywhere. I don't think I've hallucinated at all recently it's just I keep seeing things happen and being like "that's part of it I know it!" The delusions are however interwoven with depression at my inability to do my familial and social duties properly. I have experienced so many delusions I don't know if I would even feel it if one or two went away.

OK so I remember this phase basically you have psychosis and its not because of the drugs although they may have triggered it. Were you depressed before the psychosis? Basically I'll run though the possible dx's for you. Psychotic depression is when you get super depressed and that triggers psychosis but you never have psychosis without being depressed. Bipolar is when you cycle between up and down and you can have psychosis only when you are experiencing a mood symptom not on its own. Brief psychotic disorder---psychosis less than a month. Schizophreniform, psychosis more than 1 month, less than 6 months. Schizophrenia psychosis at least 1 month with continuing functional impariment for greater than 6 months. Schizoaffective---basically like schizophrenia with bipolar combined.

There are also some other things---like delusional disorder if you only had delusions. It wasn't clear to me if you had hallucinations.

But the basic gist is they have to watch you for at least 6 months to make a diagnosis---for me I asked my pdoc at 6 months whether I had schizophrenia or not and he said---I don't know. By that point the meds had blocked everything----so he couldn't tell whether I had underlying symptoms or not. Basically no dx is a good dx---if they tell you something more than psychosis is going to be inherently bad but it took 2 years for them to tell me I was going to be fine and its going to take a total of 3 until they are sure I'm "sane" again even though I've been off the meds for 3 months. Also lots of people here get a changing dx so if they call it too early its meaningless---opps developed mood symptoms you just went from sz to sza---just like that. It's really not that predictive. Honestly most the research out there is based on schizophrenia so even if you don't have the full thing its helps to read books about that.

[blackwhitered]

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

OK so I remember this phase basically you have psychosis and its not because of the drugs although they may have triggered it. Were you depressed before the psychosis? Basically I'll run though the possible dx's for you. Psychotic depression is when you get super depressed and that triggers psychosis but you never have psychosis without being depressed. Bipolar is when you cycle between up and down and you can have psychosis only when you are experiencing a mood symptom not on its own. Brief psychotic disorder---psychosis less than a month. Schizophreniform, psychosis more than 1 month, less than 6 months. Schizophrenia psychosis at least 1 month with continuing functional impariment for greater than 6 months. Schizoaffective---basically like schizophrenia with bipolar combined.

There are also some other things---like delusional disorder if you only had delusions. It wasn't clear to me if you had hallucinations.

Hey, I thought this information was very helpful, I just had some questions and comments.

re: bipolar psychosis
Somehow I got diagnosed with just bipolar by a few doctors even though my psychosis is not related to my mood in any way, and we're not even sure (now) whether I've ever had even hypomania. They acted like this was standard, even though all the sources I've seen should have labelled that as schizoaffective. I'm thoroughly confused.

re: schizoaffective disorder
Just wanted to mention that there is also a depressed type of sza where you have a combination of schizophrenia and depression. It also seems that the mood episodes have to be a major part of the illness, not a one-time thing or something that happened long before the psychosis.
Which makes me wonder how I've been diagnosed as schizoaffective considering I've only had one real episode of depression (not affected by medication or severe stress) and that happened a while before the "active" phase of my psychosis. Grrr why must diagnoses and doctors be so inconsistent??

re: delusional disorder
The thing about delusional disorder is that it typically involves somewhat realistic delusions. Like your spouse is cheating on you, the NSA is spying on you, that you're a secret agent, that you're psychic, etc. That's what I've heard, anyway.

If anyone has any input on why my diagnoses seem, er, unusual, that would be helpful. But yeah, good information otherwise!

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by blackwhitered

Hey, I thought this information was very helpful, I just had some questions and comments.

re: bipolar psychosis
Somehow I got diagnosed with just bipolar by a few doctors even though my psychosis is not related to my mood in any way, and we're not even sure (now) whether I've ever had even hypomania. They acted like this was standard, even though all the sources I've seen should have labelled that as schizoaffective. I'm thoroughly confused.

re: schizoaffective disorder
Just wanted to mention that there is also a depressed type of sza where you have a combination of schizophrenia and depression. It also seems that the mood episodes have to be a major part of the illness, not a one-time thing or something that happened long before the psychosis.
Which makes me wonder how I've been diagnosed as schizoaffective considering I've only had one real episode of depression (not affected by medication or severe stress) and that happened a while before the "active" phase of my psychosis. Grrr why must diagnoses and doctors be so inconsistent??

re: delusional disorder
The thing about delusional disorder is that it typically involves somewhat realistic delusions. Like your spouse is cheating on you, the NSA is spying on you, that you're a secret agent, that you're psychic, etc. That's what I've heard, anyway.

If anyone has any input on why my diagnoses seem, er, unusual, that would be helpful. But yeah, good information otherwise!

I admit I'm not as familiar with the ones that have a mood component or the delusional disorder becuase I wasn't close to getting a dx of any of those so thanks for correcting them...

As far as your bipolar it could be bipolar II...heaven forbid you smiled for two weeks in a row you might have been labeled hypomanic...but usually I don't hear of bipolar II with psychosis but I could be wrong the one I always hear about is bipolar I while manic....the problem is all of these labels are controversial some pdocs don't believe bipolar II exists some don't believe in sza some don't believe in rapid cycling etc. also I'm not clear on the difference between the depressed kind of sza and psychotic depression. I'm guessing some of the deal for you might be age....some pdocs won't give out a sz or sza diagnosis to someone younger just becuase...

I still want to stick with my original advice though...reading about schizophrenia gives the most info about psychosis...there is so much less for the other illnesses with the exception of bipolar but that tends to focus on the mood episodes.

[blackwhitered]

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

I admit I'm not as familiar with the ones that have a mood component or the delusional disorder becuase I wasn't close to getting a dx of any of those so thanks for correcting them...

As far as your bipolar it could be bipolar II...heaven forbid you smiled for two weeks in a row you might have been labeled hypomanic...but usually I don't hear of bipolar II with psychosis but I could be wrong the one I always hear about is bipolar I while manic....the problem is all of these labels are controversial some pdocs don't believe bipolar II exists some don't believe in sza some don't believe in rapid cycling etc. also I'm not clear on the difference between the depressed kind of sza and psychotic depression. I'm guessing some of the deal for you might be age....some pdocs won't give out a sz or sza diagnosis to someone younger just becuase...

I still want to stick with my original advice though...reading about schizophrenia gives the most info about psychosis...there is so much less for the other illnesses with the exception of bipolar but that tends to focus on the mood episodes.

The only difference between sza depressed type and psychotic depression is that psychotic depression ONLY happens when depressed, not during normal moods.

Another difference (not part of diagnostic criteria, but something that's common) between sz and mood disorders is that a lot of times the psychotic symptoms of mood disorders correspond to the mood (thinking you're God when manic, or delusions of guilt when depressed, etc.)

As for bipolar 2 I think the psychosis would only happen when depressed...? Because any manic or hypomanic symptoms with psychosis are automatically mania/bipolar 1.

Yeah, I don't really understand what's going on with my diagnosis anymore. It seems that each doctor makes up their own definitions that have no basis in the DSM or what I'm going through.

Originally Posted by blackwhitered

The only difference between sza depressed type and psychotic depression is that psychotic depression ONLY happens when depressed, not during normal moods.

Another difference (not part of diagnostic criteria, but something that's common) between sz and mood disorders is that a lot of times the psychotic symptoms of mood disorders correspond to the mood (thinking you're God when manic, or delusions of guilt when depressed, etc.)

As for bipolar 2 I think the psychosis would only happen when depressed...? Because any manic or hypomanic symptoms with psychosis are automatically mania/bipolar 1.

Originally Posted by blackwhitered

Yeah, I don't really understand what's going on with my diagnosis anymore. It seems that each doctor makes up their own definitions that have no basis in the DSM or what I'm going through.

Before I came back home from Uni and changed pdocs, my diagnoses always made sense to me. I could understand where they were coming from and agreed with the DSM/ICD criteria. But since I've come home, it's like they're just making it up based on some pretty flawed logic...so I've decided to just ignore them. In my head I agree with my last proper diagnosis (from Uni pdoc), and I plan to go back to him when I return to Uni. So I understand how frustrating and confusing this is

*Willow*

[Erti]

Lol, I'm not sure what's going on with my DX either. It's a big cluster**** of whatever they think it is.