[ickydog2006]

Recently I spent a day where I was somewhat delusional/paranoid, which is very rare for me. It started with feeling like I could feel a layer around my brain and that somehow someone was projecting a forcefield/shield around it and trying to mess with my thoughts. I felt like my head should have latches somewhere that I could open it and needed to find a way to protect my brain from the projection. I kept telling myself it wasn't real and that my brain lies to me and that if it was something that I would tell people and everyone would think I am crazy than chances are it's crazy. Then later everytime I blinked it was like I was seeing another dimension, but things were different in it. Roads were different. Buildings and parking lots were in different places. As if things had happened differently in that dimension but it was the same land. I kept repeating my above mantra, but it was getting really hard to fight the thoughts. Like, well what if everyone was trying to tell me the sky was pink, should I really not trust what I know to be true. What if I had special powers and others just weren't capable of seeing the real truth. But this didn't mesh with my Christian beliefs... and it just went on with questioning everything. Later that day the feelings faded until they were completely gone and I got very upset and angry and told my husband I was having issues. He wanted me to talk about it but I totally shut that idea down. I feel angry that I can't trust myself and scared about what if I get trapped in those delusional thoughts. I also feel ashamed. I don't know what I'm supposed to do if I have those thoughts again, because although my mantra works to some extent, I don't know if I could have continued believing what I was telling myself over what I was feeling. Also, although I can say these thoughts on here in writing, I'm not sure I could even force myself to say them out loud. They sound so ridiculous. Like these notions should/would be considered laughable. And although I knew at the time that others would think these thoughts ridiculous, I was feeling more and more like everyone else was crazy and almost beneath me. I don't remember ever feeling that way before. I question whether this means I'm getting worse, or if I need to worry about this coming up again. I'm also scared to tell anyone because my husband is in the military and could people use my issues against him. What if I was temporarily put in the psych ward again? Could that affect his career? I know others on here have had thoughts similar to some of mine. What brought you out of them? And how did you feel about having the thoughts after the fact?

[faerie_moon_x]

I'm sorry, icky. You're going through a lot.

All I can say is when I was confronted with the building and remembered everything, it was liked being slapped. I can honestly say my thoughts were along the lines of "holy s***, what the hell was wrong with me??" Then I got angry about it.

I don't know what brought me out of it.

But, I don't think your worries are completely unreasonable. No one wants to go to the hospital. Everyone wants to stay well. And, I don't know much about the military, but I think with any long term illness of your spouse I can see being concerned if him missing time to be with you could affect his career. I think these are normal worries, but you can't let them become overwhelming. I know that's hard. So, have to talked to your pdoc? Maybe you just need an adjustment. Or have you talked to your T? Maybe you just need to talk out some stress.

I mean, it sounds like you're having insight so if you catch it early maybe you won't need the hospital.

Good to hear from you Ickydog!

I often think things that on some level I know others wouldn't believe to be true, but I don't consider them delusions...I suppose I'm confused because one pdoc said I had sza and some of my thoughts were delusions, and other pdocs have told me that I've never had psychosis or anything like that...I guess what I'm trying to say is that I can empathise with your confusion over this Whatever they are, I often think things that I know to be true, yet also know not to talk to anyone IRL about. Luckily we have PC, so I hope that you will continue to post. Unfortunately I don't know how to successfully challenge thoughts like this, but hopefully someone else will have some good suggestions

*Willow*