[katnic2817]

I haven't been diagnosed with sz and was told by the last psychiatrist I saw and others I don't have it. It was probably about 3 years ago when I was going to that psychiatrist. I haven't seen anyone about my mental health since. I don't want to take antipsychotic medication because I have read a lot of research of evidence of brain shrinkage in people because of them. Besides that I have taken a few of them over the years. I took geodon only for a few days because I started having difficulty moving like I was being paralyzed or something. I took risperdal for probably a year and a half. I never had any benefit from it other than it helped me sleep. I don't even know why I took it as long as I did. The biggest problem I have is when I'm in public pretty much anywhere and most of the time I think people can hear my thoughts or that they are saying my thoughts outloud. As much as I've read about it and know that it is all in my mind it still feels real and still annoys me and makes me mad. A lot of the times when it happens it almost convinces me it's real because I'll here people laughing right after I have a thought that I feel is heard outloud. And I don't like feeling like I'm being laughed at all the time so I spend most of my time in my home. I only go to places I have to. I haven't been working for about 9 months and am scared to even find a job because everything seems to get worse when I'm working because of course I have to be around people then. Problem is I can't keep spending all my time in my home. I have two sons who are teenagers and I can't even buy them things they want because I can't work. I feel like a bad mother because I am setting a bad example. They see me home all the time. I don't know if they think I'm lazy or crazy or don't care. We don't really do anything together anymore and have become less and less close over the last 2 or 3 years. My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years makes dumb comments about me not wanting to be around people and he is all the time. He spends about 4 hours most days at a pool hall playing pool which he is obsessed with and a lot of time working. I have basically told him everything that is going on a couple times and he didn't really say anything. When I have made comments to him about maybe I need to go talk to someone nothing either. I don't think he knows what to say so just ignores it. I don't know what my mom thinks and thought about discussing the whole situation with her before but I don't want to stress her out like that and I don't think she would know what to do or having any advice anyway. I don't know what my siblings think. I rarely see them anymore and basically I think they don't care and probably think I'm just lazy and unmotivated. I know something needs to change soon as my kids are getting closer and closer to being adults on their own and we have been living in low rent housing for the past few years which I wouldn't be able to if they weren't with me. I'm scared of what is going to happen then. I don't want to be homeless. I should add they also have their dad and his whole family and mine. I don't want to sound selfish and I feel that way a lot of the time like I should just go get a job and deal with it for them but I have gotten to the point in the past of feeling I'm going to have a mental breakdown when working. It just makes everything so much worse and then I think should they have a mom at home not working or one that will potentially have a mental breakdown if she does. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like there is no answer and it's hopeless. Sorry for the long post. Maybe if someone reads it you can give some advice. Thanks.

[likewater]

You should definitely go talk to somebody. Don't beat yourself up because you are doing the best you can. I understand as I cannot work a lot of the time as well. Don't compare yourself to others. As for your family and boyfriend, it can take time for them to be empathetic . The more they are educated and the more you get treatment, the better they can support you. Also you should qualify for disability and housing on your own when the kids move out. May angels surround you.

[Victoria'smom]

I don't have sz but I can understand where you are coming from.

I don't want to take antipsychotic medication because I have read a lot of research of evidence of brain shrinkage in people because of them. I do not like antipsychotics. I have agreed with my psychiatrist and therapist to take an antipsychotic "as needed" for when I'm unsafe, not sleeping, or my symptoms are to much for me.

I can't even buy them things they want like what? I can give you ideas on how to make sure they get the things they want.

we have been living in low rent housing for the past few years which I wouldn't be able to if they weren't with me. there are ways around those rules.

Even if you don't want to take meds therapy is a good idea. If you worry about staying home and setting a bad example you may want to look into a partial hospitalization program.

[ayana95]

Your going through a lot. Maybe seeing someone will help. I can related to a lot of what you wrote about.... the finances, the reaction from the significant other and being a mom. My dx is BP. I hardly go out. My advice is to talk to a doctor. Medication helps but it takes time to find the right ones. I also found therapy helpful.

[katnic2817]

thank you for the replies. i am going to make an appointment with someone monday to talk to.