I'm sorry...

It is really hard for me to post this, but I respect you all too much to continue to lie. You deserve the truth.

I want to apologise to my friends here for all of my posts. I've come to the conclusion that my latest 'diagnosis' of faking for attention must be correct, and I've decided that I have to stop.

I don't really know how I ended up in this position...when this journey started 7 years ago, in medschool, I never thought that I was faking anything and I certainly never intended to defraud anyone, but somehow that is exactly what I've ended up doing.

I have a GP appt on 16th and, once I've got him to promise that he will support my Mum (she is also on disability and I have to make sure that the Govt won't accuse her of fraud after my confession) with medical evidence of her real physical disability, then I will confess to the authorities.

I've claimed benefits for MI since 2008 therefore, since my MI is fake, I've defrauded British taxpayers of tens of thousands of pounds over those years. Not to mention how many precious NHS resources were wasted on unnecessary appts, meds, a hospital stay and ECT. Not only that, but when this fraud is made public, I will have made it harder for people with real MI to be believed when they need to claim benefits, and that makes me feel worse of all.

I do not expect any of you to forgive me because I don't deserve it. I just want you to know that I will confess, that I will likely go to jail, and that I intend to pay back every penny.

I'm sorry that I have posted here and made a mockery of your real struggles by writing about my insignificant ones. I know that my admission of fraud likely cheapens the relationships that I've made here, but I do sincerely wish my friends here all the best for the future. I only hope that you can believe that, if nothing else.

*Willow*

but it wasnt your fault willow...

No offense willow but you clearly have an illness...either you were really sick or you've been faking for 7 years...anyone who would choose to fake an MI and put up with the crap and meds for 7 years has to have a mental illness of sort IMO so welcome back to the club even if you were faking....

i feel really bad for you willow. this shouldnt have happened to you. all these doctors messed you up.

Factitious disorder...knew it existed...so welcome back....

so your saying she has factitious disorder SP?

wait a min. i dont understand. so you KNEW you were doing this? or is this just because of what those doctors said to you?

I don't actually know what she has what I'm saying is she either has something on the sz spectrum or she has factitious disorder....both are mental illnesses and both are chronic and difficult to treat. So when she says she's a fraud for taking disability etc that's not true because she has a MI either way...

The treatments are different though more therapy for one more meds for the other....

I also don't see what happens in factitious disorder as controllable any more than my hallucinations were controllable....and it probably has even more stigma because it's associated with lying.

I just want her to know I support her either way...she has always been highly supportive of everyone on this board and very informative and since I don't think there is even a forum for factitious disorder I would say that she is welcome to stay here regardless of her dx. However it is my personal opinion that this belief that the current pdocs are correct is actually a delusion in part because she has been having more symptoms lately....importantly though she has my full support either way....

willow you have my support too ok?

Willow i dont care about any diagnosis or lack there of. I just care about you.

I don't really know anyone here but I can say that there is no need to be sorry. As AP said, it is likely that you have a mental illness. It could involve some sort of subconscious belief that you have some sort of schiz. Maybe you do. There's a really delusional aspect in what you had to suffer through. Many many other things as well.

Don't confess to the government. They're the heartless b*******. What counts is that you are human. You do not deserve to go to jail for having to suffer. Screw ancient disciplinary societal morals for this situation because it doesn't make any sense. Not only will it make it worse for people with MI (Maybe less than 1% of what's actually causing a deterioration in our world wide crappy mental health system) as you said, it will make you a lot worse off when you do need real help.

*Big hugs* (Because I can't find the smiley table on this edit yolk).

Willow,

Please don't say anything. Get a 'real' psych exam and tell them you are worried about your lying. You have been sectioned that wasn't fake. You have paperwork from several places saying you have issues. A!l of us don't want MI. Everyone deserves therapy. If you really feel like you have committed fraud. While you're working though your real issues sign up for work choice then donate to places that you feel needs it to 'pay back' . look I really feel that your not thinking clearly and you don't need jail. Fraud is a very powerful word that can ruin your life. I really think you need to talk to your pdoc about feeling you've faked it but not fraud. Whatever happened the rest of the board and I are behind you. Are you currently safe?

But youve being posting here all the time. For whos benefit was that. Seriously the 'its all my fault' or 'i dont deserve it' or 'im a fraud or a fake' vibe is just , to me , not accurate. You dont owe anyone anything.

Willow surely if you were faking you would know it's a conscious decision not something that just happens. You have problems you need to see someone different and get them to see the truth. I'm sorry your going through this please don't 'confess' though otherwise that's it no one will ever listen to you again *hugs*

Willow... I don't believe you're faking. I believe that doctors are telling you that you're faking to the point you give up. But saying you're a fraud will cause more problems than solve anything. Even if you have something like Ficitious Disorder you still have an MI like SometimesP says... butI don't think you do. I think you have bad doctors who have poor coordination of care....

You don't have to apologize.

I don't think you're faking, Willow.

I don't think you're faking either Willow

Thank you all for your support, despite the terrible things that I've done. It just shows how kind you all are, but I can't keep taking advantage of that.

Factitious disorder means deliberately faking symptoms...I don't think that is right. It wasn't a conscious decision. And I don't think it's malingering for financial gain because when the 'symptoms' started I was in my penultimate year of medschool and would've earned 3x my current annual benefit income upon my first year after graduating, with significant annual increases. It sounds a bit like a somatoform disorder only with psychological 'symptoms' rather than physical, as in they feel real, but are subconsciously generated to meet some need, for attention or whatever. I've tried googling, but I can't find anything approximating that.

But my point is that I'm not looking for a different diagnosis. I don't want to find some way of justifying this behaviour to myself. It is bad. It must stop.

I thought that they'd been corrupted to lie and say that I was faking, but I think that was just me being in denial. I didn't want to believe that I was actually capable of such an awful thing. But my ex-CPN wrote to me about the CMHT discharge, and he was a good guy, and I don't see him being involved in some Govt conspiracy. Ex-pdoc, yeah sure! She's a total *****! But not him. And so I've gradually come to the conclusion that they must be telling the truth, that I am faking.

I don't understand how believing something that is written down in my notes by numerous people trained to recognise MI is delusional??? For something to be a delusion, society has to disagree with the belief (hence why believing in God is not considered delusional), but various professionals treating me have decided that I'm faking. I have been to medschool and so I have substantial knowledge of mental illnesses and the way that the system works, which easily explains how I managed to fool other professionals (which really only boil down to a few GPs, who aren't experts in MI, and my 2nd Uni pdoc - all other pdocs I've had have dismissed my symptoms as nothing serious) and, unfortunately, you guys.

Maybe my claiming benefits up until this week (when I realised that I was faking) might not be considered fraud, as it was not technically a deliberate/conscious forging of symptoms or attempt to falsely qualify for benefits. I honestly believed that I was entitled to them, though uncomfortable about whether I truly deserved them, in the sense that I felt bad about not working and about not contributing financially to my upkeep because my parents refused my offers of rent/bill money/food money. But continuing to accept benefit payments, knowing that this is not real and I'm not entitled, IS fraud IMO.

I no longer have a pdoc because I discharged myself from the CMHT. I have a GP though, who I will discuss this with on 16th. I cannot see a different pdoc on the NHS for a 'second opinion' (though I had a second opinion in the hospital when sectioned and they also concluded that I was faking) because the only pdoc that covers my area is the one I just discharged myself from. To see a private pdoc would involve spending a lot of money that technically isn't even mine anymore, and I don't see the point anyway. Even a diagnosis of factitious disorder or some sort of somatoform disorder wouldn't justify everything that I've done IMO, so it is pointless.

I am safe though. I apologise to everyone and the mods for what I put in my first post, but I thought it was ok because I used the trigger icon and I was talking about something that would happen many years in the future, once I have paid back the money that I've taken, not an immediate concern.

I'm not sure that I understand your point here? I posted here because a few years ago I thought I was hearing voices, and this forum is where people with that problem tend to end up. I've stayed over the years, despite changing diagnoses, because people have been kind to me here and I have no one IRL who really understands (perhaps this is why I have faked symptoms in the first place, idk)

Well that is a matter of opinion, I guess. I feel that I have wronged the people of this forum, and so this thread is for me to apologise. I feel that I have defrauded British taxpayers, and so I deserve to be punished for that and to repay the money that I've taken.

idk...just because I don't like their conclusion, doesn't mean that I can reject it out of hand. The evidence is staking up in their favour:

Uni GP believed I had depression, but 1st Uni pdoc dismissed me.
Second Uni pdoc believed I had depression.
Home GP supported depression diagnosis.
Home crisis team dismissed what 2nd Uni pdoc considered catatonic stupor.
Home pdoc didn't take me seriously.
2nd home pdoc didn't believe I heard voices when I told her.
Returned to 2nd uni pdoc and he believed voices. He eventually diagnosed sza.
Left uni again and 2nd home pdoc sectioned me, then said I was faking due to discrepancies on ward noted by herself and numerous members of staff. Second opinion pdoc concurred.
Psychologist agreed I use the sick role to get attention.

So basically only a couple of GPs and *ONE* pdoc have agreed I have a MI over the last 7 years. Everyone else has dismissed me. And because I get dismissed, I naturally gravitate back to the minority who believe me, the few that I managed to dupe. Well, that has to stop.

*Willow*

That's just it willow I don't believe you were faking...people with somataform generate actual pain etc...they aren't intentionally faking they really feel it. If you generate hallucinations through any process it's still psychosis... There is no faking it because it is in all cases already assumed to be created by the mind... You can even take drugs that cause it and it's still a mental illness.

As far as being delusional...you are trusting some random docs with little connection to your life over your own mind over the last seven years...Do you remember when I put up that paper on forensic psychiatry and malingering and I know I would have been labelled malingering if someone had gone by the book. Yet I had no benefit...I spent a lot of money and time and wasted vacation days on this cr**. I saw this thing on the guy who created the dsm 5...the first page is a use guide and step one is rule out malingering....your lazy *** docs didn't want to bother moving past step one...it was easier than actual thought on their part.

Are you mental? If you intentionally defrauded the government then yes you should go turn yourself in, but short of that, you've got to be mental to bring that kind of attention onto yourself. Did you know that you did not have a mental illness, were you acting in bad faith? You're being ridiculous and melodramatic, all you need to do is tell them to stop sending you benefits, but instead of doing that you write this.

Who told you this latest diagnosis? Why do you believe them over everyone else? You've never responded to medications? Why would you write such drivel?

Willow , you clearly presented here with mi and there is no good reason that you could be faking it. These feelings of wortlessness are a byproduct of iillness imo. You seemed to have being completely mishandled , you have being hospitalised , did you have electro shock treatment as well. You should be making your life easier not harder. Good luck

Remember this:
Psychiatry knows nothing only what you tell them and what they see and hear (which is usually misguided). They are programmed to diagnose people as diseases. They see life in one rigid way. They don't see you outside the office, how you really interact with people (especially in relationships that don't involve power), and navigate through life. The real world is out here. It is not in the psych office or a hospital unit. They can claim they know you all they want, but they never will. To most of them you are a group of symptoms, nothing more. In reality you are someone, a human being with a legitimate story that deserves to be heard.

Having a mental illness that doesn't conform to diagnostic criteria nice and neatly is very frustrating. Only others who have been through this can comprehend the profound agony it can cause.

I'd like to send you a PM. Is it okay? I have more to say but don't feel comfortable posting it here.

P.S. You are not a fraud.

Didgee you put that so much better than I ever could....thanks...

Willow Lying can be a symptom of Mental Illness, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Willow, you are not thinking clearly. I repeat, YOU ARE NOT THINKING CLEARLY. You've let all of this get to you which is understandable but COME ON. I remember when you were posting here about hearing voices/delusions and being severely depressed. It was OBVIOUS that you were struggling with something real.

By saying you've duped ALL of us, you're writing ALL of us off as fools. Are you serious? Come on now. I've seen (several) people over the years fake mental illness before and it's so obvious... and that's not you. You didn't fake ****. I just don't believe you're that good of a liar to have seriously duped so many people for over 7 years. That's a ridiculous assumption.

I implore you to see reason. Please don't do this to yourself. Like I said above, you are not thinking clearly right now.