I'm sorry...

*facepalm* That is delusional.

I don't know whether it is or it isn't, but the GP wasn't concerned, so it must be ok. Normally he freaks out at the slightest little MH thing and refers me to the CMHT, and he hasn't this time (not that I would see them even if he wanted to), so everything is fine.

*Willow*

Well, believe what you want to believe but from my perspective you're clearly not well.

Sorry to barge in, but I don't understand how the doctor could have listened to that and not have had alarm bells going off. You are ill, you are not faking. I know you don't want to 'stress' your family more, but they will be worried about you, perhaps you could open up to your dad a little? GP's are't trained to deal with mental health problems, I've went into my GP and told her I don't trust the plug sockets in my room and she hasn't done anything, my pdoc on the other hand got worried. Is there anyway you could get one last check up with a pdoc and tell them what you told the GP?

Willow - You're being too hard on yourself
I think you are sick and when I was in the hospital - not everyone was effed up, you know, but they still needed to be there.

I just ended up sobbing my eyes out in the park in front of my Mum, sister and several strangers. I'm so embarrassed It's really hot today, so I wore my hat on our walk, and I had a plastic cup of pop in one hand (left over from when we stopped in a cafe for a drink) and Max's lead in the other. But then the wind started picking up and it kept pushing the brim of the hat down, covering my eyes. So I had to keep stopping to lift it back up, but every time I stopped, Max kept pulling on his lead to keep going and I had to juggle the pop, which was getting me cross. Then the wind blew my hat off and, as I bent down to pick it up, Max suddenly pulled and I splashed the pop all over my brand new cream hat, so I was really P'd off by that point. I chucked the cup in the bin and stormed off to the park, where I sat on a bench to calm down, fighting back tears.

Then, just as my Mum and sister caught up with me, a dog appeared that Max was pulling to say hello to, but after I got up to take him over to the dog, my shoe fell off. So I'm trying to put my shoe back on while Max is trying to pull me over cos he wants to reach the dog, and I keep having to put my foot down on the gravel so I don't fall over, but then I can't put my shoe on cos my foot is covered in stones...and I just ended up sobbing and sobbing And my Mum said that Max wasn't doing it deliberately (I know that!), and she then proceeded to give me a lecture about how I need to learn to deal with stress in a better way (I know that too!)

I'm really not trying to P you off, or anyone else, but it feels like that's what's I'm doing, and I'm sorry. It's just that I'm used to my GP OVERreacting to my MH and sending me straight to the CMHT, so it's hard to imagine him UNDERreacting for once. And I don't see how I can be clearly "not well" to you guys, when I seem fine to everyone else, and I'm going out every day, and I'm doing my voluntary work, and I'm being productive. I don't understand how that would work???

They're not currently worried about me, because they have no idea that anything is going wrong. Outwardly, apart from my little meltdown today, I am fine, and being more productive. Anything I tell my Dad will be relayed to my Mum, and vice versa, and I feel bad about worrying them when on the outside everything is fine (so I feel like maybe I'm making up the inside feelings or over exaggerating them or something?)

No, the only pdoc I can see is at the CMHT that I just discharged myself from. My GP normally OVERreacts to MH problems, so for him to dismiss this, I must be being overdramatic and making a fuss over nothing.

I'm just so confused. I trust you guys and your opinions, but we've never met IRL, so I don't understand how you can be certain about what is going on when I don't even have a clue?! I don't know what is going on inside me; what is real; what I should do...??

I wrote this poem earlier, but I'm not even sure it's in the 'right' order :/

North is Lost
Blinded to the path,
Which may not even exist:
All there is is fog
Obscuring which way to turn.
When every certainty you ever had is gone.
When day is also night,
And up is also down.
The compass needle never stops:
North is lost.

*Willow*

You're not ticking me off at all. Don't worry about it. It'd just be nice to see you believe in yourself a bit more than you do now. It's a shame that you're wanting to write yourself off as a faker because of incompetent doctors.

A lot of people with MI can appear "fine" to others. Most people have no clue I have a MI unless I say something about it. I hide it well and I always have. I can relate to you a lot in that regard, matter of fact. Appearing fine to others even when you're suffering? Yeah, I get that because I'm the same way. I appear "fine" most of the time and that's how I like it. Right now, my illness is getting into remission so you REALLY can't tell that there was ever anything wrong with me to begin with.

Just something for you to think about.

It must suck to be so confused, but seriously I don't think you've faked anything.

Oh good! I was really worried that you were cross with me, and I don't want that at all

It's not just because of what they've said, because I'm confused myself too. I get the sense that if a lot of people here were told by a Dr that they were faking, they would have an internal strength of conviction that they were not and that the Dr was mistaken. But I don't have that and so I don't know what to think, which is why I'm in this mess.

I rationally know that, I do! I've seen it with my own eyes FFS! I just can't get my head around the fact that it could apply to me :/

I'm glad that you're feeling better lately

It really does suck to be confused and not believe myself, but I'm grateful that you (and the others) believe me.

*Willow*

I've been thinking that I need more data (opinions) because the data I have so far conflicts. Maybe more data would point the way to travel?? The only people I can ask IRL though are my friend (she's my best friend, but I'm not her best friend because she's very popular) and/or my parents, but I feel bad about bothering any of them...trying to figure out what to do...

*Willow*

Willow if your like me your much more honest on here then in real life? Are you more or equally as honest with Dr. And therapists? Do you let them read your PC posts, pomes or writings? The people that I have in my life that I allow in my head that much hold more weight in my wellness that others . My weighted wellness scale from who I trust the most to least: my therapist, PC, my husband, pdoc, others. So when your deciding please take weight of trust into account.

That's a good point Miguel'smom, thanks! I *am* currently much more honest on here than IRL about what goes on in my head, though I used to tell my parents about 95% of what I put on here, before I was sectioned and my Mum got ill. I was honest with the GP last Friday and he didn't think it was a big deal. I haven't been forthcoming with the CMHT since I left the hospital (not lying, but not volunteering info not asked for) because I didn't trust them. I would never let them know about PC or show them my poems. I have written to ex-pdoc before but she was never that interested in what I wrote.

I'm thinking about talking to my parents......I don't want to worry them more than they already worry about everything else, and I feel like I should be able to figure this out myself...but I think I've forgiven them for having me sectioned (which was originally why I stopped telling them stuff), and I really need advice about what to do about confessing to the police and Uni, and they've always been good at helping me figure out what to do, and they know me and my behaviour...so I'm thinking that I should talk to them. I know you guys have already told me this lol, but now I'm (almost) ready to do it!

My sister is away this weekend, and the 3 of us are planning on doing something nice to celebrate our freedom, so I think that will be a good time to talk to them because there'll be no interruptions...provided that I don't chicken out :/

*Willow*

UPDATE:

Well I came clean to my parents on Saturday...I was very nervous, but it went better than I thought it would, and I didn't cry anywhere near as much as I thought I would either

They said I was delusional, but we agreed to differ. They said that I did NOT fake anything or commit fraud, and therefore did not need to confess to anyone, even though I still feel guilty. I asked how they knew when I don't even know if it's real or not, and they just said that they know who I am as a person and that no one is capable of conning people that they live with that well for that length of time, but idk if that's true or not.

They're even MORE convinced now that I shouldn't go back to Uni in Sept, but I'm still determined to try, because there's no guarantee that things will be any better this time next year. And I'm tired of having my life on pause. Anyway we drew up a contract of things that I had to do each week to demonstrate that I am 'well enough' to go back to Uni e.g. getting up by 10am, eating 2 meals a day, leaving the house every day, showering 2x/week etc. Then they'll support my decision to return to Uni and help me find a place to live.

Also I've agreed to re-start the amitriptyline for sleeping so that I can get my sleep routine back to 'normal'. And I'm being bullied into going to see the GP this week for some benzos for the holiday (we're going to France next week and Mum wants the benzos in case something goes wrong while we're away, even though I don't want to take them because I've never found them helpful and I'm concerned about their addictive nature), which I think is a waste of my GP's time and NHS resources, but if it shuts her up then I'll go, I suppose :/

Anyway, that's the current situation. I want to thank you all for your support I guess that I have to believe you guys and my parents who say that I'm not faking or committing fraud, and just deal with my guilt somehow. Thank you all again though

*Willow*

Would your parents go with you to an appointment willow? They can vouch for you that your not a fake

They're going to take me to the GP (I don't want to go at all), but there are no further CMHT appts as I discharged myself. The CMHT also said some pretty horrible stuff about my parents in their notes, so I doubt they would believe my parents either :/

*Willow*

They said things about your parents? That's not right that sounds really inappropriate

Yes, they did, and it was completely inappropriate. For example, the pdoc who gave the second opinion in the hospital, having never met my Mum, decided that my Mum's illness was fake too!!! Considering my Mum has a ream of biopsy results and scan results and blood results proving that her liver is buggered, I don't think so!!

Unfortunately I don't have any evidence like that so I still don't know what to think :/

*Willow*

That's appalling seriously. They've treated you really badly willow you don't deserve this ****

I'm worried what people have wrote about me now in the past

Just cos my team was horrible, doesn't mean yours was/is too. But it is your right to read your past notes if you want, and also to receive copies of any letters written about you. My Uni pdoc always wrote a letter to my GP after every appt and always cc'd me a copy so I knew what he was saying about me. That really helped me trust that he wasn't saying anything bad about me behind my back, and also meant anything he'd misunderstood I could correct at the next appt (which didn't happen often). I asked for that with this CMHT and they always refused - now I know why!!

*Willow*

I don't think I'd dare read it there's too much potential for it to upset me. My cpn lets me read what she writes and what my pdoc writes so maybe I should just focus on what people are saying now rather than in the past

You said that before you were misdiagnosed as faking, so maybe it's better not to read that stuff as you know it would upset you because you know what they would've written (that they thought you were faking). My situation is slightly different because they were just being vague with me and wouldn't tell me anything. I suspected they thought I was faking, but I didn't know for sure until I read the notes. So even though it was upsetting, I learnt something I didn't know before and that enabled me to decide on my current path i.e. to discharge myself from the CMHT. But you already know what they would've written, so it's probably not worth the pain of seeing it written in black and white

*Willow*

I think your right willow it would hurt too much. What's your plan now then? Are you going to try and get people to listen? I admire you youv got a lot of fight in you

Thanks Justmeandmyhead! I don't feel like I've got a lot of fight, but I appreciate you saying that anyway.

The plan is to get on with my life. I'm done with psychiatry right now. I don't think it has any answers for me, and I've decided to stop putting my life on hold hoping to feel 'better'.

*Willow*

I think if your not having any problems that sounds like a good plan. It sounds like all this had brought you a lot of pain and heartache so it might be good for you to get away from it all for a while. But I think you still need to let yourself open to the idea that you might have problems in case you do need support in the future. Good luck though I hope it works out for you

good luck willow!