Do you feel safe here?

When I joined PC one of the things I liked about this forum was the fact that I felt safe----people had all sorts of experiences with psychosis and were glad to share their stories...I felt like I had found my tribe. Recently we've had a lot of infighting on roll call....it really troubles me...I'm not sure if people feel safe here any more. This is really one of the few forums that doesn't have a green mod which is unusual....I like to think that its for the same reason the community liasons made some of us nervous and its meant to be considerate but also because we haven't needed one in the past. I kind of like not being monitored myself but I'm not entirely certain that we'll be allowed to keep it that way if things keep getting out of hand. (I have no idea what goes on in the brains of this site or anything so this is pure speculation on my part) Still I think that making sure its not an issue might prevent a negative outcome in the future. So I made this thread for general thoughts about this issue and marked it with a trigger in case things get heated. The idea is to come up with some sort of optimal resolution of how to deal with this sort of thing in the future to prevent any sort of intervention. It could be as simple as pasting in a picture of a stoplight when you're feeling bullied or something like that. I'm not sure if people are aware they are hurting someone when this has been going on. Alternately maybe a picture of an angry mob or just a safeword? I don't know these are off the top of my head and I'm sure you guys might have better ideas but I'd like to keep this place safe for all of us...we won't likely be able to make this some sort of utopia where everyone fits in perfectly but I'm hoping we can make it what it once was. Again this is an internal thing....I'm hoping we can do it without site interference....

Just posting an initial comment to avoid being a zero comment thread as that brings the liaisons....sample of a possible icon from the smilies that could be used as an internal signal.

No. That's why I went elsewhere. I check back in from time to time because I did make some friends, and I do not discount them, but overall this place is very uncomfortable. Just being honest. *shrug*

I feel safe here, and definitely safer than the last forum I participated on which had heavy-handed fear-based moderation. I wouldn't want to see that here.

I'm not sure a set of internal rules for this forum only would help. People do come and go.

Btw the sz forum is moderated just like the other forums are. And there's always the report button if you feel a post crosses a line. On psychcentral a post can be removed or edited if the moderators deem it to even be 'unsupportive.' I assure you the moderators and administrators here take their tasks very seriously and carefully review posts which have been reported.

Then there's always the option of just saying, "You hurt my feelings."

Mostly.

Sometimes, I need to take a break from this website, because it can be overwhelming. I have even considered deleting my account a few times. I stay, because I have made a few friends here. To make the experience better, I have created some boundaries. They seem to work.

Here are my suggestions:

Direct communication with sensitivity. Yes, it can be done.
If a member is in a bad mood and feels like picking a fight, they should log off.

Maybe rules or a reminder about respectful conduct should be posted. I've seen this in the psychotherapy forum.

P.S. Hi Gr3tta.

I assumed it was moderated to some extent as I have flagged really terrible stuff in the past but it's not actively/obviously moderated in the sense that the mods actually say things on the threads which is what I don't like. As far as people coming and going there could be a sticky/faq made for this board I imagine if we as a group asked for it.

The problem I'm seeing is that there have always been tiffs between members and sometimes people who are online at the time try to deal with it and I think thats OK but what has been happening lately is people will read a post 2-3 hours later and rather than finishing roll call or whatever and seeing that it has ended they are dog-piling on a single person or even the group which is really upsetting to me. It's like they think that hurting someone else is going to somehow make things better. This might work for"normal people" or perhaps the best analogy is children but I know for me my pdoc absolutely said this type of yelling was toxic for people with psychosis it's triggering and we've heard it all before. If yelling would have solved something it would have solved it at age 5 not age 20+. Everybody here is sick aside from some of the parents and I think if you are good at representing yourself with words people forget that. This isn't a support group for one person and I understood yesterday what sunshine meant when she said that only certain people were allowed to be sick. There are clearly favorites here and they can be as sick as they would like while others are called out aspects which may be equally symptomatic. I guess I would like to see this as some place where you can be sick and socially imperfect(which is a symptom) without getting called out on that especially by people who aren't even sick themselves and are trying to fill some sort of parental role that was never asked for. Most of us are adults here and we all have parents of our own. I don't want to have to learn to be sick in an adorable way rather than how I really am just to get support. That's just my opinion. I'm sure there are others which is why I made this thread.

No I agree with you completely but it has only become really apparent to me as of the last two days----I can't blame you for not wanting to be here.

Yeah I know that I've had to log off before in my high irritation times but it tends to require someone else pointing out the fact that I'm being a jerk/unreasonable before I realize...you could say my insight is lacking in that area. I guess that's why I was hoping for some sort of symbol to stop even if it was just a stop sign----the actual words well its like the thought loops faerie describes... I think for people who are well they just assess the situation and move on but for me I can go over and over the exact words used like a billion and a half times over a period of weeks---a picture well there are no words to haunt anyone so I thought it might be a bit nicer allowing for a gear shift without some sort of active criticism. I have no idea if it would work or not but because there are no words it can be interpreted more gently---perhaps a yellow light would be better because it's not so hostile.

I don't know but the amount of blame being piled onto one person yesterday for a two sentence post was I think unreasonable. As she later pointed out people were in fact doing the very thing that they blamed her for clearly without realizing the parallels and it wasn't necessarily with an intent to help as was I believe part of the initial statement but with more of an intent to hurt/blame which is totally non-productive.

Was there something wrong with my post?

No why---I might have tangented in my reply but that was for the group and not specific to you.

My mistake. I did not see your reply before I posted. Thanks for answering.

I think the intents of the various posters may be up for debate. We may disagree on who was trying to help and who was trying to hurt. Or maybe we should assume everyone posted with good intentions?

Yeah I can't know for sure and I think you personally were genuinely trying to help clarify why things went poorly without assigning blame and I know that's what I was attempting to do as well. Others though seemed to dive right into blame mode which I find non-productive. I think it also has happened that two people who post with very good intentions will still end up arguing here for whatever reason. Things often get confusing when people are dealing with a number of worlds and rule-sets at once. I'm really not sure what the solution is but there are a lot of smart people here many of whom who have more experience than me with forums. I'm kind of hoping for someone to have an inspired moment of brilliance or that discussing what the issues are might at least temporarily solve what is going on. I really don't know but if things continue in this way I can't imagine that anyone is going to come here regularly.

I don't know if I feel "unsafe" here exactly, but I do feel very misunderstood and frankly ganged up on, because it seems that people are still attacking me even though it's vague(feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). If anyone here has something to say to me, PM me. It's not hard. I'm willing to have a discussion but I don't take kindly to passive-aggression.

I have reason to believe that this comment for example may have been directed towards me.

Perhaps, my replies were not warranted, since I don't post on Roll Call regularly. Maybe I was trying to be too righteous. I admit, I hate seeing people argue and others being ostracized. My intention was to let others know there are a multitude of reasons why people post what they do and do not. It wasn't about taking sides. Now, that I think about it, my posts probably appeared to come across that way. I apologize for perpetuating the disagreement and/or discussion. My hope was by adding what I did, it would provide some understanding. I'm reasonable and not one to judge others in haste.

The conflict bothered me enough, that I thought about it a lot yesterday. Eventually, I had to log off. I'm still bothered by it. I am sensitive and don't like seeing others getting hurt. I care, because I have been there so many times. People have successfully ostracized me, because I am different. The empathy I feel is overwhelming. I'm fighting the urge to cry.

Discussion is a good thing. We can learn from it. Anyway, this has nothing about being right or wrong. It is about respect and tolerance.

Maybe it is time to take another break.

Yeah I'm not sure this thread was a good idea or not which is why I put the trigger icon on it but the poll icon blocks it in the main page which I would seriously think the trigger should be dominant.

I agree with whoever said that there are clear favourites here who can say what the hell they want and everyone will be understanding, but with other people they are either ignored or misunderstood. I'm not talking about anyone in particular btw. I don't know if maybe that's just human nature.

I think if the consensus is that codes should be used, then set them up with a sticky post to include them.

I feel strongly that people with psych dx's can improve - in greater or lesser ways - through effort. At the risk of sounding like I'm trying to parent anyone (which I'm not), it seems to me that this is the perfect place to practice dealing with irritation and trigger-y type things. I strongly believe that over the long run, finding ways of working with these things will help. The brain is plastic and changes with use. Working with small irritations will help you build up so you can handle bigger irritations.

PC has advantages over other venues if you want to make this effort. First, people here get that you have an illness which will make it more difficult for you. You're going to have the occasional (or more than occasional) flub. Second, unlike with in-person interactions, you can stop and think before you react. Third, this is actually a very gentle place as online forums go. Trust me, I've been on more than one. Even other parts of PC are pretty rough IMO. Fourth, if you really can't handle a particular member you can avoid them or put them on 'ignore.' Fifth, PC does have a trigger icon which can and should be used.

The world can be a rough place, people can be jerks, bad stuff happens, and people with triggers get triggered. It seems to me the answer isn't to wrap yourself in bubble wrap. That requires that you retreat from the world entirely, hide in your room, talk to no one, turn off the tv and radio. Even then you're stuck with your thoughts. And eventually something will pierce the bubble wrap. Someone you love will die. You'll develop a serious illness. It can't be avoided.

IMO it's best to start working on dealing with the tiny slings and arrows - like we have here on PC - so that you're better able to handle the bigger ones that will inevitably come your way.

I've noticed that too. I wonder if it's because so many are posting in Roll Call instead of starting separate threads with their issues. I know the temptation to post heavy stuff there. I've done it myself. It feels like you're less exposed. It also means your serious post is more likely to be overlooked. And that hurts. I know. It's happened to me once or twice.

Maybe Roll Call should be renamed "The Lighter Side" or something, so people will be more likely to start a separate thread for serious stuff. Then the thread can stay on topic - the OP's topic.

When I said "various posters" I meant "various posters." I meant everyone posting.

I think that's a great idea. Roll call used to be a thread where people would post updates and such, and it's turned into more of a place to socialize. It's like people are talking about whatever and then someone comes in and posts an often times more serious update, and their posts are largely ignored because people are having a conversation about something else.

I'm sorry this is affecting you so much...I too am considering a break but perhaps for different reasons. Perhaps I see a different victim...the idea that any two sentences would be sufficient for a person to leave rather than simply block someone is beyond my comprehension. I certainly don't want to think that my own words have that level of power here ....I can't imagine how I'd feel if something I said quite casually would be enough for not only someone to leave but also to ignite fury amongst the rest of the members not so much based on what I said but based on the immediate reaction of another person. That is extremely troubling for me as I can't routinely anticipate people's reactions...I've never been particularly good socially and frankly group bullying is one of the reasons I didn't speak to people for 3 years. So I agree with you that all this is triggering but I see a casual statement which might not have been worded in a delicate way leading to ostracism by a group.

Thank you for clarifying.

That's just it. The person in question could have simply blocked me instead of leaving and announcing it to everyone else.

I find it troubling that several people wouldn't let the matter drop and felt the need to continually call me out even though I specifically said that it wasn't my intention to be as harsh as I came across. What else do people want from me? I'm confused.

I thought about it a lot too. And I didn't sleep well that night. And when I wasn't sleeping I thought about the other people who participated in and witnessed the conversation and how they were probably hurting too. Especially I focused on Atypical and Cracking and tried to send them some good vibes. That's just an exercise I learned from Pema Chodron to build compassion. It's proven that more compassionate people are calmer and happier. I want to be calmer and happier. That's why I work on it. It takes some effort, and it's not magic, but over time it helps. At least it helps me. Maybe it wouldn't help others.

I also spent some time examining myself. That's how we grow. Hopefully by dropping defensiveness and staying open as much as we can.

Not trying to parent anyone. Just sharing stuff I've found that's helped me.