[FotoLee]

I have exhibited symptoms of schizophrenia since a young age. I recently hit twenty and three years in college. Since last fall I have been hospitalized fourteen times and underwent ECT but has gotten to the point where the doctors and therapists no longer were willing to help ot just didn’t know how to help me.

Each time I am asked if I hear voices my answer is always no. But I do and I have a very difficult time talking about it because I do not know where to start and I am still rather confused about it. I live in fantasy world so to say and have these short moments where I am connected with reality.

Growing up I was convinced that there was a shadow of a man outside my window, under my bed, hiding in my parents room when I went upstairs in the dark. I was convinced that there was cameras every where I went like the Truman Show— before I went to the restroom I have to look around to make sure there were no cameras. I high school I knew I was being followed everywhere I went. When there was a substitute or a person who sat in to observe the teacher or class I knew they were there to spy one me and to observe me. In high school I just shut down.

Because my answer was always no, when I do admit to hear voices and paranoia it is overlooked or they think I am looking for attention. all I want is help. The mental health field has seem to given up on me. The next time I am hospitalized I will be court ordered to a residential facility. I became a liability to doctors and so they held me but did not treat me.

I know I need to address this but I just do not know where to begin to explain what goes through my mind, how my mind works. I have to listen to music constantly otherwise voices other than my own will speak and carry on conversations.
I rarely leave my room and I basically am disconnected from reality 90% of the time.

Does anyone have any similar experiences where you do not know how to explain what is going on and/or therapists, psychiatrists, and doctors did not take you seriously?

In my experience, people get frustrated when their treatment (either meds or therapy) does not work. Instead of feeling bad about their skills or the impotency of their treatment/profession, they satisfy their ego by making it the patient's fault. "You are resistant." "You don't want to get better." "You aren't thinking enough positive thoughts for the meds to work." Eventually it becomes "you are faking the whole thing for attention." This has been my experience anyway.

Unfortunately I have not found a way to change their minds. You see, they do not like to believe they are wrong. It wasn't that they were wrong for all those years they said I had X diagnosis, it was the fact that I am so 'manipulative' and know how to 'play the system' that I 'tricked' them for so long.

I would recommend starting from scratch with a new psychiatrist and therapist. Do not give them access to previous records if you can help it, because they will read them and decide to believe the notes over you before they have even met you! That is what I am doing. So far my new T believes me (I told him the things they said and did to me - I was very nervous about doing so, but it has traumatised me and I will need help to get over it, so he needs to know), and I'm hoping that it continues. Maybe you could tell your new treatment providers what you've written here? Tell them you find it hard to talk about the voices. Hopefully this time they will listen.

I wish you all the best, and welcome to PC! I hope you find it safe to post here.

*Willow*