[kj545454]

I have been worried for a while about the things that have been going on in my life.

I have been finding that more and more, I get these impulses to do things. It isn't like voices in your head, like in the movies. It is more like a driving force, or a constant nudging to do bad things to people. I will be having a normal conversation with people and I will get this drive to hurt them. not a drive, but like my mind is telling me to hurt them, stab them with a pen, strike them, it varies. I don't experience any type of voice telling me to do this, it is like it comes from my own mind, but at the same time I have the consious thought to realize it is a:crazy, and b:wrong. It seems to come and go in spurts, where it will disapear for an undetermined amount of time then reapear without warning or cause. This has been with me for years, and I have fought any of the drives, but I worry that one day I will gve in to them.

Also on top of this I constantly think something is out to get me. Not a person persay, but it feels like something is after me. I get up to go to the bathroom at night, and I have to check our home to make sure no one has snuck in to attack me while I sleep. I keep the lights on so that they can't sneak up on me. I also keep the curtain open in the bedroom for the same reason. I have had these feelings for years, and often they keep me from sleeping despite the fact that I know they are ludacris. I check the backseat of the car before I get in, I am constantly looking behind me whereever i walk, and so on.

I don't sleep well, or a lot. I find myself constantly worrying and depressed. It has affected my sleep, my work, my sex drive, my appetite, and my desire to do things I used to enjoy. I find somedays I am at the top of the world, and others I just want to cry or worse.

I am also starting to use alcohol as an escape. I find that it is the only time that I can free myself from these fears and thoughts, but they often come back shortly after - re:within 1-2 hours. This one I know is wrong to be doing on my own.

I feel like I must have done something to create some kind of monster within me, lurking and trying its best to get out. I worry that this is all my fault, like I have done something wrong to deserve this.

I thought about hurting myself again tonight. It is too often for my liking that I can have something in my hand that could hurt either myself or someone else without thinking of it as so.

I am afraid to seek help as I worry that I will be placed on medications and rendered an invalid. I haven't had a lot of luck in my life with health, and my mind is what I have held at the one area that has escaped unscathed (grammatical skills excluded).

I am now worried and debating whether to go to the hospital and seek help.

[spiritual_emergency]

To me, two factors stand out in your post. The first is that you're feeling a great deal of anxiety; the second is that you're feeling a need to strike out. If an individual is feeling threatened, this often is accompanied by a desire to defend oneself. You noted that the drive to strike out at others has been with you for years but you didn't say if your anxiety has also been with you for years. I'm wondering if you can identify any common links between:<blockquote>a.) Your urge to strike out and the individuals you have an urge to strike out at. For example, is there some kind of common theme between all these individuals -- do they share a common characteristic in their appearance or behavior? Alternatively, what is happening within you when you feel this drive? Can you identify the intent behind your drive? For example, are you feeling a need to defend yourself? Are you wanting to establish power or dominance in your relationship with this other person? What do you think about them -- that they're mean? that they're arrogant? that they're stupid or worthless? What do you think about yourself when you're engaged in your relationship with them? that you're mean? that you're arrogant? that you're stupid or worthless?

b.) Your anxiety and your urge to strike out at others. For example, are you feeling anxious before you feel an urge to strike out or are these two events completely unrelated to one another?</blockquote>
kj: I don't sleep well, or a lot. I find myself constantly worrying and depressed. It has affected my sleep, my work, my sex drive, my appetite, and my desire to do things I used to enjoy. I find somedays I am at the top of the world, and others I just want to cry or worse.

Can you identify when this behavior started? Is there any link between this behavior and whatever else was going on in your life at that time?

I would imagine that if you enter into a therapeutic relationship with a professional, you would want to explore not only the reality of these events and drives, but also what lays just behind them. Some people are quite capable of unwinding that ball of wax on their own, others benefit greatly from the perspectives that others can offer. As a suggestion, you might want to begin exploring this on your own -- a journal can be a useful tool. If you find that you're not making any progress or discoveries in your self-exploration, you could then go looking for a professional to provide some assistance. What you have discovered about yourself can help guide you in choosing the therapist that will best assist you. Here is a link that may be helpful to you should you choose to go that route: How to Choose a Competant Counselor

kj: I am afraid to seek help as I worry that I will be placed on medications and rendered an invalid. I haven't had a lot of luck in my life with health, and my mind is what I have held at the one area that has escaped unscathed (grammatical skills excluded).

Bear in mind, there are very few situations where you can be placed on medications against your will -- one possible exception might be if you present to a hospital in a clear state of psychosis. In those instances, anti-psychotics are nearly always given, sometimes in an injectable form that can last upwards of two weeks. However, if you're going to a professional's office or clinic for a consultation... probably the most that could happen is the therapist could suggest some medication. You have a lot of choices at that point. You could choose to research the medication and weigh out the pros and cons before making a decision to take it; you could choose to take the medication for a trial basis to see if it helps; you could ask the therapist to support you in using non-medical approaches; you could choose to end your professional relationship with that therapist and find another one.

People are different and what they find most beneficial is also going to be different. Some people find medication to be exceptionally helpful, some don't. All medications carry risks and benefits -- you are the only one who can determine if the benefits outweigh the risks in your personal situation. In your case, should you seek out a therapist you'll probably be most comfortable with one who doesn't use medication as a standard in their therapeutic practice. There are many therapists like that out there.

Should you decide that a therapeutic relationship is what will be most helpful I suggest that you find out what you can about the therapist before you go. Seek out personal recommendations; run a search on the net; see if you can book a brief consultation before making any commitment to the therapist. There are a few out there that even offer a free initial consultation -- this can help eliminate the frustration of what is often a form of "blind and expensive dating" in a search for therapeutic compatability. Bear in mind that a therapist cannot take your pain away, they can't carry it for you -- they can only assist you in doing the difficult task of working through it.

Note that there are also different areas in this site devoted to different subjects. Given that you have a great deal of anxiety as well as the urge to engage in self-injuring behaviors, it will likely be to your benefit to ask some questions in those areas to see what insights or assistance other people who have been in your shoes can offer to you.

Best of luck to you, kj.

[Soidhonia]

Hello and welcome to psych Central.
I sincerely feel that you could be helped with the right Support and therapy from a therapist and Psychlogist. Obviously you are concerned for your wellfare during these episodes and getting the right therapy may help to dalay the episodes or make them less severe when they happen. A physical may be in order as well to rule out and medical problems. Take care I hope the best for you in the future Take care Soidhonia