Something I've worried about...

Little over 2 years ago, when I was either 11 or 12 (can't remember), my father commited suicide a day after Christmas. He had been suffering through severe depression his entire life, and never really laughed when he was around. Yet, when I was 10, he came down with Hepatitis, and was never same after that. We made 6 major moves in my life, just for random reasons that had to do with my father.

My mom put up with a lot, and then things got worse when they seperated for a year, and then got back together. So, what I'm worried about, is that I'll get just as depressed as my dad one day, and end up doing what he did. I don't want to, but I keep getting majorly sad.

I never want to do anything in the real world. Slowly, right after his death (and it's becoming more apparent now), that I becamse more of a hermit. I don't hang out with friends, and, in turn, don't have many friends. My personaility has changed without me knowing, but it's become so bad it's noticable. I snap at people, and get myself in trouble at school for mouthing off at teachers and my peers who make fun of me, for whatever reason.

There's more stuff, but no one wants to hear my life story, so, yeah. I'm just worried one day I'll get in that black hole that he got in. I don't want to, but I see it becoming more and more true.

Dear SilverGriffin,
(((((((( HUGS )))))))) ~ ~ (((((((( HUGS ))))))))

My suggestion would be for YOU to seek some counseling (and soon) - to help you sort through your inner wounded feelings and concerns..... the sooner the better - for YOU and for the people you love, or will love.

YOU do not have to repeat the actions of your family.... counseling will HELP!!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Thanks for the hug! ^^

I have sought counsling, but the problem was originally was the lady was just making me cry, and bringing up the past. I didn't like that, didn't go to any form of therapy for about a year, and now, recently, I just got into another person. I don't know how'll go, but we'll see after a couple of months.

Please let me state that one must (and needs) to go over their wounded past in order to HEAL - if left alone the feelings will NEVER die.... they will forever be present in you until they are dealt with, felt, and then buried.

I had to go through 6 straight years of counseling (inpatient & out patient) and then 2 years of off and on counseling as I needed - to get to my point of healing..... and YES it was h*ll at times and I hated having to feel the past all over again, but I realized that it was needed in order for me to heal inside and to be normal again.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I guess, but, I've already replayed it a lot in my head, but some of it just won't replay. I put (11 or 12) in my original post, because most of those years are blocked from memory. I know people say that children's brains block out some things, and what not, but, I just can't relive some o the stuff.

Just, that one night, I remember it too clearly, so, of course I don't want to re live that. I also keep thinking that, well, I should stop acting like this, because it's making my mom worried, and making kids at school call me "gothic", and "emo", when I'm not. Still, your support I appreciate, I'm just trying to figure out some things right now....

Sweetheart - you will not be able to let go of the past until you have faced it with the loving support of a good counselor (no matter how much you want to let it go).

Here is a book I always recommend when someone has a hard time letting go of the past or of hurtful feelings / wounds.

BOOK: Feelings Buried Alive Never Die, by Karol Truman
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/091...lance&n=283155

BTW - I must have talked about all my issues a million times before they finally started to leave me in PEACE.... venting (talking it thru) is a God given release for all females - it lets us rid our bodies and mind of the evil from with in that haunts, controls us at every corner.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

You've been through a lot of trauma. Having to relive it in therapy must feel awful. I agree with Rhap. You will probably have to face the memories and all the feelings you had as a child if you are to get past it. That doesn't mean you have to do it all at once. Take as much time as you need and work on the parts you are able to handle. Take care.

Silver -

I believe you can forge your own destiny.

You're your own person, with opportunities to explore life and find a spot, which will be fulfilling to you.

Try to find some other groups you can feel comfortable socializing in, outside of school.

Have faith that your destiny holds real promise.

Welcome,

EJ

I have been terribly traumatized in my life and the only thing that has helped is me going back to my past and dealing with it, crying, and god knows what else with a therapist who will not let me get away with talking about stuff that really isn't bothering me...trust me, if you don't look at these things and deal with them, no matter how often you think of them on your own, it will get worse and you may be as depressed as your father was.

You need some therapy that will help.

(((Silver)))

Thank you, very much for the link, Rhapsody. I'll see if I can pick it up sometime.

Thank you everyone for the support. I'll see what I can do. But, like, with the childhood thing, it's odd, cause I'm still a child, it's not like I'm all grown up and thinking about this still. So, right now, I'm gonna' ramble, cause I'm all anxious for some reason, so I'm gonna' stop typing..now.

((((((( HUGS )))))))) ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

Just remember that WE are always here for YOU.... our ears are wide open.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
If you do not have the funds to purchase the book I mentioned.... go to you local library, they may have it in stock for you to check out.

SilverGriffin you have a great deal to contend with. No wonder you feel anxious. But I agree with the others who are encouraging you to work through your past because, much as you might feel "condemned" to your father's fate, you aren't. Truly you aren't.

heartspace is right, no one is condemned to others problems in their lives or upbringing, and we are not entirely condemned to our own. Working through them takes time and patience, and I support you fully as you work through them.

Dear SilverGriffin,

I have to agree with what HeartSpace has stated........................... YOU are NOT to blame!! (and) blaming yourself will put only serve to destroy you, from the inside out.
I know this for I am speaking from experience, from when I blamed myself for my only daughters death - for I was not there (home) when she got sick.... I was 10 states away trying to regain my mental sanity during a mental break down of my own.
I felt that if I was there then I could of spotted the tell tell signs that said: something was wrong, but I was not there and the people that had her that day waited to late to react, for they did not know.... hence her death.

I had to accept that even if I was home that she still would have died.... for God had already deemed that exact date & time as her moment to leave this world and to come home to Him.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I have that huge fear of ending up like my parents over my head as well. I see my mother in me everyday and I hate it. I know how you feel, it's almost stuck there.

If you are feeling this sad, then something has to be done, so it doesn't get to the point that it did for your dad. Allow yourself to accept the pain, instead of trying to avoid it, and numb it.

How old are you?

Don't let those crappy little peers push you around. You know who you are, they don't.

I hope you feel better, keep posting and let us know how you feel alright.

I think it's pretty cool that today we have internet and a place like P.C. to come to and be with people who will love us through the pain. You stated you were a child and that was a beautiful thing to hear because you are allowing yourself that freedom. I hope you can find people to speak with. A "T," or other people. That unsaid stuff really traps us. I am amazed that you are here and found this place. Keep plugging away. You are not your father. Can you tell us more about you? For example I am an animal lover times a billion. I like the woods and skiing. Who are you inside?

silver hon it is very normal for you to want to not talk about the past and yes even block events in your young life. I blocked things and some of them didn't show up til I was in my 40's. a dr told me my mind and body were ready then to remember. it is also normal for you to have the fears of being like your parent. I am really sorry for your loss. please never stop talking about your dad or your feelings. it helps alot!

Dear Silver,

Some of the separation you're feeling from other people, could just be related to the fact that you have experienced a loss, in a way that most other people have not.

Or maybe now you're just starting to process everything that has happened in your life, culminating with the loss of your Dad, in such a sad way.

But to be on the safe side, can you get in to see a therapist, with whom you can discuss all this?

Sorry for your hardship,

EJ

I can't really get his tone through by just typing, but I really, REALLY appreciate everyone who posted. It really lifted my spirits times a billion. Thank you!!

I'm 14. About the school thing, it's just odd because I don't like going to the dances and whatnot because it's just frustrating to have to hang out with people who just want to talk about their boyfriends and shopping (I'm more of a tom-boy, and always have been). Why, just today the girl I was working with in my Math group (who happens to live on my street and a sister to a friend of mine) is all disgruntle when I say something about how her answer is wrong. She freaks out on me and is like, " I don't care! Just don't talk to me. You're so annoying!" Then tells me that she always pleads to her father to not let me in the car in the morning at the bus stop. It just makes me feel....a little...something. I know I shouldn't care about what a person thinks about me when I don't even really like them, but it still just irks me.

I have patience, but, lately I've snapped at people a lot, and, well, it's gotten me in quite some trouble. I've ALMOST gotten written up multiple times, and have been yelled at by my mother to the point of crying myself to sleep (another problem I have that gives me grief. My mother). So..yeah...sudden personaility change lately.

I went to my new teherapist the otherday for the second time, and I like him, so we'll see how my appointment goes next week too. Apparently, from what he was starting to assume, is that I have something like, "Delusional Depression:". No idea, something, I guess that makes you more intone with fantasy then reality. Which is true in some ways.

Things about me? I enjoy writing short stories, novels, and scripts. Uh...bowling, horseback riding, animation, movies, videogames, animals, uh, Comics (are a huge passion), ART (big time), DRAWING (Another HUGE one). So, uh, can't really think of anything else...

Again, I thank you for the support! EVERYONE!!

Hi Silver

You've been through so much and at an early age.

I can relate to you in many ways and I can't help noticing how mature and down to earth you are at 14. You seem so smart and nice. I'm sorta struggling for words here due to my own mental days here, but I think you are doing a very good thing by going now and getting help.

I noticed some of the things you are interested in and I think it's so great you have things you are passionate about and enjoy.

One thing I can't help pointing out and maybe give you something to keep in the back of your mind is ... I had started blocking things out at an early age and just chose not to deal with things over and over again.

Here I am at 35 and it seems the more and more time I didn't deal with the traumas in my life...the harder it is to get to the root of the problem.

It feels a lot more confusing now and distorted. I can sort of remember how I felt at an early age of my first trauma and for each there after, but to go any further into each situation...it blurrs.

When you're ready...it might be better to try to attempt to work through things with your therapist instead of ending up like "this".

You seem like such a great girl with so many possiblities and you can make that happen with some good support etc.

I wish you well.