[Secretum]

I'm in a masters program, studying medical physiology. I like the other people in my class (there are 30 of us), but I feel so bad about myself compared to them. They all seem to be able to study the right amount, and are always on top of things. Meanwhile, I have to fight for every bit of studying I do. I have not exceeded the class average on an exam once, and we've had 6 exams! (though I have met it a few times). Some people are doing super well in the program and balancing an intense work schedule. I only work 5 hours a week, and I can't keep up.

Then, they are all so socially skilled. They go out to bars, talk to each other, laugh with each other. Many of them have boyfriends or girlfriends. They aren't awkward.

When I talk, half the time no one responds. If I say something that I think is funny, I might get a weak laugh, acknowledging that they noticed that what I said was meant to be amusing, even though they didn't think it was.

We have group problem sessions, and I can barely keep up with them. I know my entire group thinks I'm a stupid loser.

Ever wonder what you'd be like if you hadn't developed this illness? I feel like I'm having the "what could have been" thrust in front of me every time I go to class and see my successful, competent, happy classmates.

I know my brain has had a hard time with the repeated episodes of mania, depression and psychosis. But that doesn't stop me from desperately wishing that I could perform on the same level. I am not ashamed to have a disorder. If anything, I am proud that I have been as successful as I have been, given the added challenge. But still...I wish I could be doing a little better in terms of life success.

[justmeandmyhead]

I can really relate to this. I've had a hard time trying to make friends in my uni seminars and I haven't done very well. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with how I act around people. Also they seem to be able to just do an essay with no problems whereas I have to try really hard to do anything. Sometimes I wonder if it's part of the illness or if I would have been like this anyway. Personally I think it's a mixture of the two.
Sorry your struggling with this too

[Sometimes psychotic]

Here is some cbt for you....think of your school admission board. Do you respect them? Hopefully so. Do you think they are stupid people? Hopefully not. If they aren't stupid then why would they admit you if they thought you were stupid? They wouldn't....thus by logical proof you aren't. Sure you might be a bit behind but you also missed some class. Graduate school is tough I know I wasn't the best but I still got my degree and that's all that matters is that you pass. You are already in an incredibly highly selected group, you are in the best of the best. I think it's ok to settle for the top 1% and not the top 0.1%.

Hello Secretum,
Meaning helped me get through my humiliating experience at the university. Just keep in mind all that you will be contributing to humanity as you get your degree. Forget all the white noise. Never stop fighting it.

[neil w]

I think most people feel this way from time to time. Even the top scorers in your class will be comparing themselves to others who they think would score or fare better.

[Axiom]

Secretum... I know the feeling, I was in a class full of "perfect" students too. But they're never as perfect as they make themselves look. I am pretty sure a lot of them find it difficult to stay on top of things and feel awkward in social situations. Not saying they have the same problems you do, but I really think they make a huge effort to seem perfect when in fact they're far from it. Anyway, that's just my experience with students in general. And it's OK not to fit in.

Secretum

I can relate. I'm dubious about returning to finish my MSc next year because I feel too stupid to cope academically. My classmates did really well, while I spent 9 weeks (massive extension) writing a paper that I only scraped a pass in because I 'didn't answer the Q properly'. This one girl in particular really annoyed me because she did obscenely well academically, would probably get onto a clinical psychology doctorate cos she was personable, and yet deep down was stigmatising about sz ('didn't mind working with them, but didn't want to live or socialise with them'). My point is that grades are important, but not the only factor in how suitable someone is to be a Dr.

I often think about where my life would be if whatever this is never happened (I would be working as a Dr, I have no doubt), but it's never good for me to think about it, and it also misses out the empathy & understanding I have gained along the way. Ironically the thing that stopped me becoming a Dr was what would have made me an even better Dr. I don't know if this post is helpful, but you are not alone with this issue

*Willow*