Roll Call 48

I'm happy for you that the voices didn't come back. Hope you get to do your homework. I'm the worst when it comes to putting things off. I guess we just need the motivation of immediate necessity.

And I'll take some of that snow off your hands

pls do! its such an inconvenience!!!!

i live in the south so they dont properly prepare for snow and people act like its the end of the world. they also dont know how to drive in snow. so its just all around really dangerous to go anywhere when its like that

snowing here too

voices are not here this morning
but paranoia still is.
i didnt totally get good sleep.
ugh

Even though I grew up I Oregon, I never had to drive in snow, but once. That time I was up on Mt. Hood and got stuck in an embankment. Luckily I had my cousin, who is nearly 7 ft tall, with me to help get us out and get the snow chains on.

Wanting desperately to self medicate. I'm out of that particular kind of medication so I guess I'll just be anxious and paranoid all day

Installing software is the bane of my existence...

i want pizza

I wish everyone didn't always think I was angry. They expect me to walk around with a smile all the time. Sometimes I don't feel like smiling and then I have 50 questions as to why I'm not happy. Sometimes I just can't find it in me to smile and I certainly can't go back to how I used to be. I think someday my husband will finally understand that this isn't going away and I'll never be the same woman he fell in love with. I can't be that carefree happy go lucky 19 yr old again. I'm friggin 40 and it's been a tough ride...I think smiling at all should be commended.

i use to feel that way.
now its more like fixing hardware issues is the bane of my existence.
like i got a CD stuck in my imac. a couple of years ago. had no idea there was no pinhole to pop out the case for something like that.

i got 28 out of 30 questions correct on my second health test. i texted that to T and he said awesome, time to celebrate with a big mac. i was like um what big macs are gross. i hope he was joking lol

i still feel like forreal feel like my mind is being read by outside forces.
i havent heard or seen any helicopters or planes go by. maybe cuz weather here.
but...
...i feel as if i access facebook through my computer people will read my mind through my webcam...
...
i feel so incredibly paranoid.
i feel more paranoid yea. on a scale of 1-10. higher yea. but im feeling paranoid about more things.not just feeling watched anymore.

lately ive been having all these thoughts about like God and powers hes given me.
and then like i feel like ordinary people and family are reading my mind and just all this stuff.

I worry that my internet circle of women are somehow live streaming my life for their enjoyment. I change pws daily to prevent them from being able to access my personal stuff. I also put a bandaid over my laptop camera so people can't see me. I hope this all works.

also i aced the chapter on drugs. being a former drug addict has paid off

i put a sticker over my laptop webcam. ppl can actually hack it and turn it on and watch u.

Am I allowed to refuse my next psychiatrist appointment? Because I'm going to.

I have 1 regular voice, he's been with me since I was 16. He comes out at times of stress which has been quite a bit lately. The voice is mean and the work I have to do is impossible. Lately the another voice is just a running commentary of my life and every single mistake I've ever made. They are both on me today...don't know why.

im really upset.
i supposed to goto a therapy appt tomorrow at 8am.
and with all this bad weather the clinic may not open or open late.

the thing is if i dont get a chance to goto this appt i wont get to see the therapist for another month or more.

this is what im sick of.
she didnt schedule me for future appts last time either.
im sick of this bulls**t.

There's no pinhole in mine, there's some weird mechanism in mine where you get a knife and push the disc up or something like that. I was terrified I was going to f__k it up and break it.

I've been here all morning trying to download Google Android Studio, it's because Windows 8 is being a pain. I hate Windows 8 so much, I have a brand new laptop and it runs like it's 5 years old. Ughh, I'm not in the best of form either, my parents keep putting me down about doing a Java course in May and then going on to third year of college in September. I need their support but they're just so f__king negative and say things like "you've never finished anything" and "how are you going to afford that" ... they think I'm a major f__k up. Arghhhh!

What does the psychiatrist visit try to accomplish? Maybe you could use it to your advantage.

Can you call them today and see what they are doing if the weather is that bad they probably already know....

I normally only get scheduled one appointment at a time too. I think that's the standard...

Why? If you want a med change they are they only ones who can do it, I thought you wanted a concerta increase?

i did call them about 10 min ago and they said they didnt know if they were gonna be open tomorrow. they said they opened at 10 today. but i have an appt at 8am tomorrow. so? :/ ........ idk
but if i missed an appt its not like my therapist would let me get in next week. id still have to wait 4-6 weeks to get. thats how its been going since ive seen her. ive actually never missed an appt ever. but like if something goes wrong on their end or the weather in this case - then i get the brunt end of it....

I had an episode yesterday and that's probably all they're going to talk about and I'm fine otherwise and don't want to talk about that they'll have nothing to talk about. He also said he wants me on lowest effective dose which is good but he won't believe I would benefit from three 36mg pills instead of two even when I told him about the concerta overdose when they checked my vitals and I was fine

Hehehhehehe meh...

Slept a lot, but I needed it. Wearing a beanie since last night to keep myself from picking. My new dose of Paxil should be here tomorrow hopefully

Just been crying for the last hour or so. I hope it's because of PMS and not me getting depressed and anxious again. The lack of support my family gives me is really getting me down. My parents say I can't do anything and my brothers and sisters joke and make fun of me. Everyone and anyone knows that I've had mental health issues because apparently they love to talk about it, they think I'm a big loser. My sisters won't even let me mind their kids because they think I'll ''go mental'' or something as completely stereotypical as that. My life has completely fallen apart, I have so little where two years ago I had so much.