[Alone_and_Afraid]

Okay, I'm weird. When I smoke or drink, I hear a voice (or my thoughts?) say 'It's poison" or "This taste like poison". If something tastes funny I think it's poison. When I drink a soda, I can taste the chemicals. It doesn't stop me, but it makes me wonder. I don't think it's voices per se...I think thoughts?

I have obsessive thoughts about things catching on fire or exploding. I unplug appliances all the time because they could explode or catch fire. My boyfriend turns on the burner on the stove to 'high' and the burner turns red to heat up. I don't like it. It scares me. I turn it to a lower setting, and watch it because I don't want a fire. I cannot put gas in my car because I'm scared the car is going to explode. I get my boyfriend to fill it up, but I take the keys out of the ignition because I think the car will start by itself if the keys are just sitting there. People use the hair straightener and leave it plugged in even though it's off. I unplug it because I'm scared it will turn on by itself.

I'm scared of knives because I'm afraid someone will accidentally get stabbed or something.

I have moments where I am like "Oh my gosh I'm human" or "This is all real". It really freaks me out.

People around me do drugs like acid. When they describe their experience, I already feel that way. I'm scared of drugs because I know it will be bad if I done it because I'm already weird without that kind of stuff.

I have poor social skills. I want to make friends, but people tend to think I'm unusual.

I made pizza in the microwave then I put it on top of the microwave and started eating with my hands behind my back. I like to eat it like that for some reason. I feel like it tastes better. My boyfriend is like "What are you doing?" Lol

A boy in my class asked me yesterday if I could write his essay since I have been doing well and he would pay me. I declined because I am not getting kicked out of college. All day at school, I thought he was going to kill me and beat me up for rejecting him.

I just wanted to share some things with you guys because maybe someone else has experienced something similar. I see a psychriatrist. I tell him every detail. I wrote him a 10 page paper about my life and symptoms. He read it all. He appreciated the extra information. He diagnosed me as Multidimensionally impaired disorder. It is not in the DSM (or whatever) yet. He said it's fairly new. He said he kept having patients that weren't quite schizophrenic. He done research and found this disorder. It includes fairy tail thinking, poor social skills, hallucinations and delusions under stress, and ect. I researched this myself. It does describe me. Even though the research was based on children. But this started to happen in my childhood. I'm still a 'kid'. I'm 19. I read about this stuff and it says stuff about it being in the schizophrenic spectrum. Also, it says it could be early onset of schizophrenia? Since it's techniquically (can't spell) not a disorder, on my chart it says something like Psychosis NOS.

Very interesting. I've been doing a lot better. I successful completed a college course without dropping. This is a milestone for me. I made the highest grade in my class. I'm very proud. I'm so excited about school.

Also, my thinking is more positive now. Sometimes bad thoughts come but I tell them to stop.

I'm taking 300mg Wellbutrin and 40mg Prozac. I am responding well to treatment. I'm so glad.

[CANDC]

I am sorry you are suffering from dark thoughts. I heard this program on it that talks about 3 or 4 different kinds of therapy dealing with dark thoughts.
Dark Thoughts : NPR