[sduck]

Okay where do I begin...

I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia sometime back in 2007. When I was first diagnosed I refused treatment. Then years later (starting 2012 or so) felt like I needed the treatment to get through life, so I gave in. I tried to accept and embrace that I was mentally ill, and try to be proud of it. In fact, would even tell people I tried to be friends with. Boy did that not turn out well. I'm kind of a weird guy and a proud dominant type spirit naturally, it heavily runs in the family. And people I've interacted with that knew I was 'ill' would be on guard and try to use it against me, because they didn't think someone who is mentally ill should be so outspoken and proud of themselves. At the time I didn't understand that, but now I do. There are levels to mental illness and levels within each illness. Schizophrenia is considered a horrible illness, as how it's always described. I've done enough research on it, and understand there are levels to it, from mild to severe, and most people who are not familiar with mental illness do not understand that. Some people can be very ignorant and think anything you say or do is a result of being horribly ill.

At one point I even convinced myself and the doctors that I had ADHD. The doctors had me on a stimulant, anti-depressant, and an anti-psychotic. They helped in some ways and others made more worse. I was being tormented by the idea of being ill and how people reacted to me. I also felt like there could be more wrong with me than what the doctors said. So I started to take vitamin and mineral supplements as I took the medication, and slowly it felt like the medication didn't work anymore, in fact felt like they were making me completely worse. I was going to more doctors, getting more evaluation and test. Most of the doctors I have talked to post-years of being diagnosed didn't believe I actually had Schizophrenia, in fact blood work showed Anemia and Vitamin D deficiency and no abnormal neurotransmitter levels. When I was first diagnosed, I remember they didn't actually do proper blood work. They made the diagnoses based off reaction and procedure. I've corrected the anemia and vitamin d levels with supplements, and now the medications don't work at all anymore, they just get in the way...

Some of my family members have told me numerous times that I was letting the doctors get into my head. They've done the same thing to my sister actually, she went through a similar process. She used to feint a lot and have seizures, and doctors would tell her she was faking them, and that she was psychologically ill. When she went to a new State and found better doctors, she was correctly diagnosed with hypoglycemia, which caused her blacking out and seizures. My family has a history of depression actually. The depression that we all face is just a result of our heritage and environment. Most of us are poor and surrounded by negativity. I grew up in a really bad place, where people weren't afraid to insult you or even destroy you as a human being. I also had no father, and no real supportive figure in my life, so that is part of reason why I became severely depressed which got me diagnosed. I still ponder the idea of being ill, though being off the medicine and still feel like I can function normally. My brother and sister don't believe there's anything wrong with me, they think I'm simply a product of my environment.

I just feel like a fool, part of me doesn't even know what to believe. I always question my interactions with people. I somewhat understand no one is a saint, and not everyone is going to be your friend or like you. It's just the way I've dealt with these things. It seems like I easily let people get into my head. And as a result could create even worse interactions.

[CopperStar]

Even in this post, however, you seem to show strong concern for what others think of you, from relatives to doctors to friends.

Try to imagine a shield around yourself, around your mind, that protects you from everyone else's opinions, words, etc. Visualize a shield around your mind to help validate what you are going to try to do.

Focus on what you experience.
You know what you experience.
What do you experience?
What have you experienced throughout your life?
What are your memories?
What have you been experiencing lately?
What is your reality?

You are the only person on the face of the earth who can see yourself from the inside looking out. You are the only person with this view. Only you can truly know what this view entails.

You must trust yourself. Trust your experiences.

Even if you have had hallucinations, trust your experience that you had hallucinations. You know what you experienced and everyone else can **** off with their worthless opinions.

[sduck]

I used to didn't care too much, I would just live life based on how I viewed it. But it would get to me because there's always that self-awareness of how your life changes, especially not in your favor.
Experimenting with drugs made me see and realize what kind of person I am. Growing up I used to be the type of person most people wanted to hang out with and even depended on. Then starting my teenage years I became the type of person most people hated and tried to avoid.

Just knowing that, it's hard to not care and question who you are. In some ways I try to see and understand why people react the way they do, other ways I put the blame on those people. I mean if people are mostly reacting negatively then possibly it is you.

I just don't want to be bound by the idea of being unworthy and insignificant. I've always dreamed of accomplishing great things in life.