i need help

im having a very stressful night. i used to be very suicidal every day for months and all of a sudden, 3 days ago that basically stopped. especially today. but then i started getting lost in my thoughts. now they are all over the place. i feel like i can never win. i believe there is a group of people who are targeting me. they put a chip in my brain to make me seem mentally ill even though they are the ones who did it. the meds im given dont do anything. im on 160 mg of latuda of "schizophrenia" and it seemed to help at first (which is a whole nother story because i think i just created the illness myself if thats what it is but i dont think i have it) i think my thoughts are being messed with. they are at a certain frequency and people just mess with them to make it seem like something is wrong. they caused me to be suicidal. now im suicidal because i want to live in another realm. i cant live in this one. there are unlimited realities and that is making my head hurt . sorry this is disjointed. IF i am mentally ill then why is this all happening to me. i dont know what to believe or who to trust. i believe everything is symbolic and everyone in my life is just a symbol or offer some type of advice that i need. i dont know what to do help

how do we determine the true reality if there are infinitely many. its impossible. you just drown

i just have to seem normal

Sorry your having a hard time. If its any consolation your experience is classic schizophrenia. Most I'd wager would have these exact symptoms , I had and I came back from it ( hopefully for as long as I live it will remain that way). I'm here now and I can tell you that it is the sz that is causing you these problems , basically your brain is not functioning as it did. You can get better though.

Good luck

i can see why someone would think that but what if i just made it all up. what if all these thoughts are an elaborate lie. i feel like im being controlled by someone else. they are contolling and altering my thoughts
plus if it WAS "schizophrenia" i barely have hallucinated so thats kind of important i think. it makes me think again that someone is just controlling my thoughts.

also an important note: when i get like "this" my mind splits and im like yelling at myself usuallly in the shower saying "get the **** up" "**** you, i dont ****ing deserve this" and just bantering back and forth. why do i do this

Hi, chasms. How long have you been on the Latuda so far? It took 3 months for Abilify to finally start working for me. Good luck.

ive been on it for like 4 months or so ive been at the max dose for probably 2 months, ive been seeing my psych weekly since march

Have you been under more stress than usual lately?

i was when i was extremely suicidal, then i started feeling less suicidal and i felt quite a bit better then maybe 8 hours after that my mind starts playing tricks on itself and it didnt stop when i woke up this mornning

this is something im very curios about please tell me what happens when i do this

I don't know. Are you hearing voices that you are yelling back at? I did that.

It usually goes in little waves for me. I'll have a couple or more days in a row where I'm hearing the voice when I try to sleep, and then it goes away for awhile again. Maybe that's the same phenomenon you're experiencing with your symptoms. It sounds like you're doing everything you can and should. I'd tell my pdoc about the return of symptoms and see what he or she says.

no im yelling at myself because i feel like im fragmented in my identity

Oh, I don't know if I've done that, but I talk to myself and repeat things out loud. Everyone is unique. Some symptoms seem to be pretty common while others are more individual.

I definitely do this. Almost as if someone is trying to take control of me.

yes exactly ! im like fighting with myself and the controller it feels....very weird. like my facial expressions and stuff change tooo

Yea me too and I also begin to talk differently to myself.