[AmericanBeauty]

I was diagnosed with psychotic depression and panic disorder (though, due to certain details I think I might have schizoaffective instead) and I have this friend who I tell everything. So, he knows that I have religious delusions and persecutory delusions, and all that. And he knows that lately I’ve been giving into those religious delusions. Now, my girlfriend is very much against religion, so I can’t really tell her about the delusions. So, I got myself a rosary, and started doing religious things like reading the bible. Even though Christianity is generally socially accepted and considered normal, for me it’s very different. Partially because I’ve dealt with other religious delusions, I believe that me dabbling in Christianity was a result of my psychosis, considering what I actually believe when I’m calmed down and taking my meds.
Anyway, me and this friend had a disagreement (It was a stupid one about TV, not anything serious) and he told my girlfriend about the rosary and stuff. He knows that 1. I experience religious delusions, and 2. That my girlfriend would react very negatively to knowing about this. Then I started to think he was trying to break me and my girlfriend up, which, because of my history of suicidal thoughts, would make me kill myself. So, I thought it was an assassination attempt. I don’t know if it’s the persecutory delusions or what, but I honestly believe he was trying to seriously hurt me, and the disagreement that caused it all was so stupid (it was about anime ffs) that I can’t believe he would do such a thing.
What do I do? It makes me so uncomfortable that he would do it. From being on my meds, the delusions, paranoia, and hallucinations were all under control, then when he did that so much of my progress was reversed. I had multiple panic attacks and was crying for hours. He didn’t see any of it. I was extremely paranoid, and having homicidal ideation (not towards him, for some reason), and I was a complete mess. If he didn’t do it, I really think that none of that would have happened.
Now I’m calmed down, and it still feels like an assassination attempt, and I still feel a bit paranoid and overwhelmed.

[ensconce]

When I am paranoid I even take phone calls as threats. Its a bit hard to tell if your friend was being malicious. Was your friend mad about the argument?

[AmericanBeauty]

Originally Posted by ensconce

When I am paranoid I even take phone calls as threats. Its a bit hard to tell if your friend was being malicious. Was your friend mad about the argument?

I don't know. It was a stupid argument. I'm trying to be calm and rational about it, but it still seems like something malicious. He's aware of the delusions and the nature of them, so I don't understand why he'd do it besides out of malice.

[SillyKitty]

It doesn't sound like he is focused on killing you or getting you to kill yourself, necessarily, but he shouldn't have told your girlfriend. That was below the belt.

I do hope you'll think on the fact that she is acting negatively about your delusions. I mean, they're delusions. I'm practically anti-theist, and I wanted a voodoo exorcism to get the demons out. It's not something you actively seek out.

[AmericanBeauty]

I don't even know if I should bring it up with him because I feel like he would, at most continue to be malicious, and at least not be sympathetic. After this I'm having a hard time figuring out how to approach him. I'm very scared that he'll do something worse.

[CopperStar]

I think there is probably a middle ground to be found. It doesn't sound like he was trying to kill you, but he did violate your trust. What he did was wrong in that regard, so I would agree that from what you describe, he did a wrong thing against you by violating your trust. Since you told him sensitive information, and he blurted it out to your girlfriend.

I also think maybe there is a chance that your romantic relationship is feeding into your paranoia, if you are having to constantly live in secrecy over fear of being rejected. A healthy romantic relationship does not require living in secrecy. If your girlfriend really cared for you, then she would not be judgemental about your delusion experiences.

So it honestly sounds like you might have a very non-empathetic, judgemental girlfriend, and then a so-called friend who violates your trust. So I can understand why you would feel really stressed out and under pressure/attack. Have you considered thinking about defining healthy relationships (of all kinds) and assessing whether or not the people in your life are actually providing healthy bonds?

[SillyKitty]

Listen to CopperStar. She just asked you what I was tiptoeing around. ::

[AmericanBeauty]

With my girlfriend I'm trying to work that issue out. I don't know

[AmericanBeauty]

Shifting from the original topic I guess, but I don't know where to begin with explaining these things to my girlfriend. She doesn't seem to really understand psychosis outside of the basics. I have a paranoia of her abusing me, physically and emotionally, but she's never done either. I have a paranoia about her hating me and trying to kill me. It's hard to be really open about those things because she takes the delusions personally, and I don't know how to really get her to not do so. I think it's related to her reaction about the religious delusions. She seems to think of them as something that is inherent to me rather than a condition I'm facing.
This is a very literal question, how do I make her understand psychosis?

[AmericanBeauty]

My girlfriend is acting weird, and she keeps like, restricting me. It can't be a coincidence, so soon after my friend told her. They're trying to layer on these things so that I kill myself. I thought they forgot about it. There's like this network of people trying to kill me and I think they've got people close to me. I don't know what to do, because they're being really aggressive about it.

[SillyKitty]

Do you have a pdoc or T you could call? I think that would be best.

[AmericanBeauty]

I talked to my therapist yesterday, I told her I think I need more meds. She told me to wait and see if things got worse. I don't know. The meds made me feel better before about these things, but now I'm not feeling well again.

thinking friends , family , co-workers are trying to kill you , is fairly normal for schiz , I had this problem. I also thought people where trying to kill me , by getting me to commit suicide.

[Not_Crazy_Yet]

At times ill be in the grocery store and ill know that I'm being followed because I see a man wearing a hat on the same aisle as I am, or the phone rings when I was just glancing at it, etc. Our delusions can get the better of us. I often times wonder however if "normal" people even pick up on our odd behaviour towards such events. (Idk about you but during such episodes ill generally play along and act as though I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary until I can get the F outta there.)