Roll Call 64

I hope it all goes smoothly in your favor. Try to distract yourself in the meantime.

Watching The Walking Dead. I can't wait for Amazon Prime to get Philip K. Dicks The Man in The High Castle. It was a really good novel.

I think what I need to do is start brining my messenger bag with my books and laptop and a change of clothes, that way I could go directly to the library afterwards. As soon as I get home I just get in a depressive mood. I will feel better if I instead do something with my book, than just getting home. As soon as I open the door BAM! depressive mode turns on. And I ca't write at home. I need to be somewhere else like a bar, or a library, any place besides home.

im having paranoia and anxiety about my dad dying. i took 10mg of haldol at 4pm. its like i have the body of a 25 yr old but the mind of a 60 year old. he tells me a lot of very wise and philosophical things. i love him so much. i dont want him to leave me.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

The guy I'm dating live with his parents...not a big deal we just hang out at my place instead....

i saw a helicopter flying low twice and i looked to my dad for comfort and he said "they are just prob looking for a fugitive". we live near a jail and in the past years people have escaped. that didnt help.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

the helicopter keeps coming by. it can see in my house with special technology

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

im really scared.

ok

i took my meds.

god help me. my dad said theres prob someone on foot theyre looking for from the jail.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I am getting better at restraining myself when I say twisted ****. I write here but put it in my notes. What I say in my notes is pure genius. It's so twisted that I would get killed and I'm going to use it some way. It's a talent. This weird sense of humour that I can't explain.

Anyways it was about me voting as conservative here in Canada even though I'm a liberal and talking about refugees.

There's no free speech so I refrained myself from posting even in a possible trigger message.

Life goal achieved..

Just be careful when you go outside, and keep your doors and windows locked.

I'm in Canada so I don't bother locking my door or anything.

I'm gonna get my back x-rayed again cuz of my trampoline accidents when I was a kid. The doctor said that at this age it might be a problem. I don't care as long as I'm not paralyzed but I fear that because of spina bifida which i guess is a hole in my spine but it got covered up because my mom eats healthy. I can crack every vertebrae except the one I did in yoga at the hospital that I forget how to do. It's starting to hurt so I'm taking Advil. I also pulled a muscle in my neck really bad reaching for the alarm clock and a drunk guy jumped on me as well. I don't think it helped that I was still running and playing sports while it was healing..

ok m

help me god
god help me

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I started playing guitar when I was 17. I really wish I'd started younger though as I agree it's easier to pick up when you are younger. I blame my Dad for that... when I was 14 I told my Dad I wanted to learn the guitar, so he said he'd teach me. He took out his classical guitar, tuned it then started playing about on it himself totally forgetting the fact he was supposed to be teaching me... that put me off until later.

I guess I'd say I was alright at guitar, to people who don't play guitar they'd probably say I was good but I have high standards, knowing some friends who are wizards on guitar so I tend to be quite modest about my skills. Certainly I know if I'd played daily since I started, I'd be pretty damn good by now but unfortunately I've been a bit sporadic.

I started practicing a lot towards the end of Uni & was making fast progress but similarly, when my first psychotic episode happened it just fell by the wayside. I did start playing again after my first period of psychosis cleared but again after it came back I stopped. I was hopeful that coming off medication might give me the motivation to start playing again but thus far no luck. Perhaps one day...

Anyway, since you guys were posting pictures of your drum kits, here are my geetars:

Morning everyone

I've been noticing a degree of irritability recently, getting worked up whenever small things go wrong.

I've been at a loss as to what's causing it but I think it might be a return of my anxiety. I'm not exactly uber-stressed or anything but I've noticed me occasionally worrying about my health, or the real bugbear, worrying about worrying.... which just leads to a vicious cycle.

I'm not sure what's causing it, I guess I noticed the irritability a few weeks ago, nothing major was going on then which is why I was at a loss to what was causing it. I've certainly had some small disturbances in my sleep pattern recently, being slightly more prone to waking up & having strange dreams. I guess what might be having an impact now is looking for jobs & cutting back on cigarettes. Both certainly could be increasing my anxiety levels.

It's just so insidious though when you have GAD, I mean my anxiety levels are nowhere near at that level right now but it just makes it hard to pinpoint any real cause. You just know you have anxiety...

Anyway, I hope it's not going to progress. I was really pleased at getting my GAD fully under control & coming off medication this summer. I'd hate to have to go back on SSRis, especially being as I am completely med-free now.

Sorry your anxiety seems to be coming back. Hope you don't have to go back on meds for it. Is there anything you can do that helps?

Thanks...

I think for now I'm just falling back on some of the pointers I got through my talk therapy. I got a couple of CBT worksheets from that which have some quite useful tips on them. It's mostly just a case of trying to correct any thinking errors... I certainly found it to be useful before.

I think perhaps the hardest thing will be not to procrastinate with any of my daily chores or job hunting. I know that by not dealing with those head on that'll just give my anxiety a path back in.

With any luck this is just a brief spat of anxiety & things won't get worse. As I said, the ironic thing is you end up worrying about worrying!

I'm realising that I need to help myself more. Before I thought this was all going to just go away as I got older, but as my cpn pointed out im nearly 24 and it's been going on for over 10 years. She said schizophrenia doesn't just 'go away'. That I will likely have this for the rest of my life.
I guess ive been trying to wait it out rather than helping myself. But if this is going to be my life I need to get some control back.
So I'm trying to make changes. I'm going to do more baking, as I have quite a bit of time on my hands. I'm going to take up drawing again to try and do some art therapy and draw how I feel. I've downloaded some mindfulness listening exercises to do to try and combat stress. And I'm going to just generally try to get to know myself better; what makes me stressed, what I enjoy, but in a non-judgemental way. I am very harsh on myself so I'm going to try and cut that out and just go with how I feel.
Not going to be easy but I need to do something. I can't live like I have been doing for the rest of my life. I'm surprised I've made it to 24 the way things have been. So I have to try.

Sounds like you know yourself quite well. It's good that you can analyse yourself like that.
I've been told I need to do some cbt to help with my thinking. Sounds like it can really help people.

Yeah, I think it helps that anxiety is quite a tangible condition. It's somewhat easier to highlight faulty thinking but the same goes for other conditions too really.

It wasn't specifically CBT I did, it was just talk therapy but it did introduce me to some CBT style concepts.

I recently bought a self-help CBT book, so hoping that'll be of some use in that regards too.

I think it's really something worth trying, just learning to understand & deal with stray thoughts or emotions can be a real boon in trying to overcome problems. It gives you an element of control which can be a great way to ground yourself.