Roll Call 64

Hey everybody Let's vent.

First!

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I have lots to vent about but I'm trying to end my night on a high note. **** I took 2 Ativans and 2 ambiens I should be sleeping

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My psychiatrist said I can lower my Stelazine dose and I can stop taking it soon!

I want to not take anymore medications.

I am trying not to be paranoid, but my phone screen is flickering and I think someone may have traced my phone and the signal from the tracking device is conflicting with the way the phone regularly functions and that's causing my screen to flicker.

Sometimes I want to become an exorcist.

Really low. Just oppressive darkness everywhere. Still paranoid but gaining insight. Bf phoned cpn because I feel like I used to when I would self harm. But I'm not going to.

I'm sorry you are feeling down...

I'm glad you are gaining more insight into your psychosis though, it can make a real difference in coping with things.

Thank you. Yes it's less scary to think it's not real than to believe all the thoughts. I'm battling with myself on what is real and not real. Sometimes one wins sometimes the other.
I get this feeling when it gets really bad that I need to get out somehow. Previously this is when I've hurt myself or taken an od. It's like an intense feeling of fear and frustration and pressure. My bf thinks it's a build up of stress and tension which might make sense. It makes me want to run. Maybe it's my fight or flight response kicking in and my instinct is to run. I get really agitated and bad urges.
Can anyone relate to this?

I'm up at 5. I went to bed pretty early last night! Hope everyone is OK.

im up too. with my cold.

Hi Justme. I agree with Loial it sounds like youre gaining much more insight into your condition and thats key to staying healthy. Can you actually go running or exercising to alleviate the agitation? Would be great if that works.

Ive noticed in my last few episodes that I feel very agitated which almost always mnaifests in a need "fix" some perceived problem real or imaginary. This almost always involves tackling some issue in a professional relationship and it rarely goes well. Luckily this hasnt been happening while on meds or at least ive come to recognize it and not act on it so it hasnt been much of an issue recently but i lost a few good relationships to it over the years.

how are you?

Ok I guess. Not too great, I didn't make coffee yet. How are you, is your cold any better?

no my cold is still bad. if not worse.

how are you neil?

Drink lots of juice and tea and water. I hope you feel much better soon!

im ok ta. i forgot to take my meds for a few days then decided to see how i was off them and within a week i was feeling out of sorts. found out mine act very quickly on me though which is good to know in a pinch. i dont know if that was a reaction to not tapering off or if thats my natural state now but it reaffirmed my belief that i should just keep taking them. i hardly have any side effects and didnt notice any improvement in concentration or motivation the week i was off so nothing gained anyway.

hope you feel better with your cold, it just makes everything else worse.

Hey newtus: I don't know how to quote from previous topics, soz. It's a pity you don't have a decent forum to talk with other students for college, you should really be able to talk about what you think is important. Regarding torrents you can download a program called bitTorrent, then download an actual torrent online that will download through that program. Most sites like KickAssTorrents and PirateBay are blocked by my ISP so I don't bother anymore, but if you can get access it might be worth looking for your book. You use a macbook so the chances of you getting a virus or any malware is like <0.01%, I made that figure up but I've been torrenting for about 7 years on a macbook and never had a problem... at all. On my Windows computer, I wouldn't dream of downloading a torrent.

I hope you find a solution, it'd be a shame to give up on a class when something is out of your control. Especially something like English, I would imagine that class would help greatly for something like Philosophy. Good luck with it.

good morning guys

the store manager told me he wants me to be a bookkeeper. this scared me. part of me wants to say OK ill do it. part of me is too scared!!! it just seems really dumb not to do it though. i am not sure what to do. i see T today, i will talk about it with him. i texted him about it yesterday when i was at work and he got all excited. of course he will want me to do it. my mom does too. i feel very not normal. bc i cant accept a promotion and see it as a good thing. i see it through my lens of fear and anxiety, and it seems like a terrible thing that i need to escape from. i was even thinking that i should become a crap employee so they will leave me a lone.... omg that is nonsense.

Today is the day I was supposed to graduate with my honors degree from college. Years in planning this was the date that I would have finally accomplished something big. I've finished plenty of little things like a Higher Certificate (or an Associates Degree to the Americans) and a stupified leaving school exams designed for trouble makers. This was supposed to be it, no on ever thought I'd make it, and I didn't. Going to be a little bit sad today looking through all the lads pictures on facebook. Not envious, these guys did what I couldn't and I commend them for it. A great bunch of lads they are, it's a pity I won't be out partying, celebrating with them tonight. Such a shame. Mental illness is not a joke, and it's nothing to be underestimated. But I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

Touring high schools today. Can't believe my son will be going to high school in 2 years

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i only took 5mg of haldol last night and i feel less tired.

My day got a lot worse when the noise downstairs came on about 10 or 15 minutes ago. Now my options or possibilities all seem gone. The noise imposes a pattern onto my space, a hated pattern. When there's a moment of silence and the stress drains away I realize that silence contains infinite possibilities. But they're all ripped away when that ******* cranks up that sickening noise.

Oh and I ran out of synthroid. They increased my dosage and then never called it in to the drugstore.

is everything ok?

Yes, when it's quiet, thanks. I am restless though. Are you feeling any better?