Roll Call 69

i think its her hormones because shes pregnant

anyway. im awaiting to see my grade for psychology. then i signed up for Biology For Non-Science Majors for the first half of spring and English: Composition. I plan to do classes in 8 week increments so those are my first two classes. Gotta sign up for financial aid too for next fall/spring. Even though im planning on not being at this school next spring.

Goodnight everyone.

My dad bought me the iPhone 6s Plus out right so I put it under "Bring your own device" for the best LTE plan under the province next to me because I'm at the border for 65 dollars a month unlimited everything 10GB of data when it should be 135 dollars a month.

The workers in the shop were laughing at how I got such a good deal XD

So I'd say I don't need to pay even more for another home internet plan and this is faster than my wifi..

I was able to put it under my name so I can get credit which is cool.

hope everyones having a good day.

i've been out all day, it was snowing this morning and everything had a kind of powdered sugary look most of the morning that was really nice and worth walking in the cold. i went to the library and had lunch at starbucks but i suddenly just got really sad. i went to half price books and started reading anything i could find on schizophrenia since there were no books on schizoaffective, and i thought of how much i had changed in the time since i moved here. there were so many people there in pairs. couples, friends, coworkers shelving books together and giggling in the stacks. everyone seemed to have Someone. i couldnt and cant even imagine speaking to anyone unprompted. all the while id catch myself doing "crazy" things - rocking on my stepstool seat, staring, hunching into my self - and AM would tease and laugh at me for it, then tease and laugh at me for hearing him at all. i dont know. i wish i could have a real friend here, besides him. my t said that even if i move to texas where my nearest support is, though, id just bring everything im holding there and, my words not his, ruin everything there too. i guess what im stuck on is, its lonely as fuuuuuuuck being mentally ill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was first sick I didn't have any friends outside of work....that was one of the things my T helped me work out. Now I have a couple of friends and a boyfriend....it's slow going and hard work for me compared to most people I think but once you have friends it's a lot easier to maintain than to start up from scratch. So my advice is to ask your T about it. I found all my friends online, either Craigslist or here and then online dating....it's much easier if you're not afraid to meet someone that way.

\aah i do have a lot of friends on the internet thats the funny thing!!! its in person i need and its in person that i fall short., i think being trans doesnt help things either because theres so much i feel like i need to hide from people, especially living in such a red bible belt state. its hard enough to relate to people when u think if they knew anything about you they might want to kill you at worst and about face to hate in .3 seconds at best.

living with schizophrenia is hard...

i met two people in my support group but only 1 talks to me now. essentially i only have 1 friend now. i still have no boyfriend. havent had one in 8 years...

my therapist introduced me to the support group.

the voices (even though i dont have much right now), the paranoia (which is exorbitantly high), the anxiety - which is high too, is so hard to live with.

ive recently havent been able to leave my house much. only when my dads off work. even that yoga class i did my dad was off work then.

i find everything to be excrutiatingly painful on my anxiety and paranoia.

if i stopped my meds which im thinking of doing ill hear voices like crazy. but the side effects are so awful. i have to work extra hard to lose weight and my concentration is nil. meaning nonexistant.

that reminds me.
my dad keeps saying i seem distant.
: sigh : he really takes care of me

Oh that's a huge difference living in a red state....Chicago is super liberal and people tend to have more interest in people who are different than them.

Still if you can meet and do ok on the internet you can meet friends electronically then meet up....like I said Craigslist is good for that locally although there is a lot of work because I must have physically met 10 people before I met my best friend.

its funny you mention side effects, i went on another site and asked about my fears of medication and people were saying "Oh nooooooo its fine!!! its fine dont worry they specifically make the meds now so that they dont mess with your metabolism or make you gain weight sweety :-) everything is fine :-) nobody gains on aps :-) your energy levels will stay the same and god will personally come down and wrench your physical body out of hell" like........i hear literally the opposite every day your 2 friends of friends are worth fvck all to me

aaaa maybe. i tried to do meetups like for nanowrimo but nothing really panned out. i've thought about just hanging around the university since i live pretty close, but the only places i've really talked to people are at gamestop. wish i could work there instead of around a bunch of rude old men, i'll take rude young gamer bros anyday.

does anyone else lay in bed all day like me?

i might get up to do one thing but im usually am in bed. im trying to find more things to do and i even considered just doing either a certificate or changing my major. school is really hard for me but i like it a lot. i just really want these first two years to be over with so i can go on to more advanced classes. which im not even sure id be good in tbh.

what do you guys think if i majored in photography or something else? although i like the philosophy major quite a bit i just dont understand these books on them.

Yeah meet ups didn't work for me either.....I work at a university but I can't just casually talk to people that's way too hard.....for me at least. But yeah ask your T about it and he'll probably have some suggestions....

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I'm bored again but at least football is on tonight. I really need to find a hobby. What do you guys do to keep busy? Once my kids go to bed I have nothing to do.

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I don't stay in bed because I have kids otherwise I probably would.

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Are you familiar with Reddit? Not exactly a hobby but I often hangout there....basically you can customize your front page to see what you want.....and there is tons to pick from....

i sometimes watch the news before bed. or try to read (rarely). i know that sounds boring. and i think it is too. i got a bunch of coloring books for christmas. well 2 or 3. i almost find it offensive. as if im a child still. but their adult coloring books. still...

sorry i dont give good advice.

I work to keep busy, but I only work part time so for the other days hat I'm home I draw, watch movies and play the ukulele

********. I am pro meds but that just isn't true. Many APs have side effects and cause weight gain. It's all about trying them out. I was petrified to come off of zyprexa (because of weight gain) but the Latuda seems to be working well. I haven't even been off of zyprexa for a full month and I've already lost 8 lbs.

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My aunt and cousin exchanged adult coloring books they are really in this year.....

Yes, I do. I spend nearly all my time leaning on my bed. I don't have a chair or couch.

fury road is on and max is Relatable

yea they definitely are in. i bought some before they were. ok i admit i bought some for myself . lol omg. but my sister didnt get them??? only me. from my BILs parents and a family friend.

hm. id like to think of myself as a (semi) responsible adult at the least! agh! what am i saying! im going to color tonight