[Angelique67]

I just have to deal with the fact that T Saturn is exactly conjunct my Moon, and that this will be maybe 3 years until it's crossed into my 1st house. There will be a lot of loss (please God, no) and everyone I know or meet will be emotionally unavailable. Probably completely unavailable. And there will be no significant relief for all the misery I'm going through.

These are the transits that are hell to get through. But on the bright side I have more chance of dying now that my health is so poor. I really just want to end this earth hell and be reunited with my best friend and my cat. They were the only ones who ever loved me unambiguously. I love them so much. Even if it's only for the second or two during my life review, that would be worth anything that's ever going to happen in the rest of my life. All the life I had is gone and used up. I was happy mostly for almost 2 decades. I'm glad I had that. It's all over now.

[Loial]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I am in awful despair. I just spoke to my one and only friend and he seemed so distant and uninvolved with me. I can't tell my mother about what's happening because it's too much stress for her. And the only other person won't talk about it with me.

I'm just completely alone IRL. And I'm in this place, with so much clutter, and I can't get rid of the stuff without someone to help me. I need help organizing and carrying stuff out to the trash.

I keep thinking I want to go back to the past, when my best friend and cat were alive. I miss them so much.

Possible trigger:

I think I have a way to kill myself but it won't be fun.

I'm just quoting from your other thread because I think this is obviously compounded by what is going on there.

The way I see it, you are in a terrible situation that is triggering for your psychosis & you are really suffering because of it...

I'm worried that you are contemplating death & can't see any way out. (it doesn't help you are taking astrology at face value either... I don't really think it means a worst case scenario) Regardless of what is going on right now, you have been unhappy & voiced some of these thoughts for a while now. Honestly, things can always improve. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but it really is possible however old you are, or your circumstances. Don't give up.

I think the best thing for you is to voluntarily go inpatient at a hospital. For a few reasons:

a) You'll get away from all the torment in your flat for a bit.

b) You can discuss the fact it is triggering your psychosis & discuss options to resolve this.

c) You can get some help with your anxiety / depression.

d) They might even be able to help with your living arrangements if they understand how detrimental they are to your stability.

I really think you have nothing to lose & everything to gain. You just need to go along & be completely open about everything that has gone on as well as talking about your feelings of loneliness & any troubles you are having living alone. I'm sure as long as you tell them everything they will be very open to, if nothing else, discussing options about how to improve your situation.

To quote you:

Originally Posted by Angelique

Maybe inpatient would help but the trigger would be there, too. It's everywhere which is why I'm agoraphobic I guess. I shouldn't fear it though, the food was pretty good!

[Angelique67]

You made some good points, Loial, but don't step on my blue suede shoes (for me, astrology!).