Safe Place 2

I'm not even sure what's going on...the tv shows that were triggering me before seem to still be doing it eventhough i didnt watch any of them for months. I should have turned it off but part of me wanted to see if they were still doing it. I don't know if I should tell my pdoc because I don't see how me taking more medication would fix a problem outside my head. I guess I should be used to it by now.

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The janitor is trying to kill me again. Poison fumes but odorless, not sure what from. All day since around noon.

The social worker came by this morning and I said everything was OK. But that was before I started getting poisoned. They used this poison since February. I was hoping they never would again.

I'm very sick from the fumes. If I call the police it will seem like nothing is wrong since the janitor can make it stop.

And I remembered something else. A certain car was going to take me to the hospital all weekend. They are trying to kill me.

I should have put that in past tense. It was the week before the social worker comitted me to the hospital. This man who I never heard of was going to give me a ride to a hospital in another state. Thank God I didn't go with him. It was a very close call.

Angelique67, you aren't sounding well again. Check in with your doctors. This med switch does not seem to be working.

Hey lolagrace. I posted in the Safe Place thread, OK? I appreciate that you think I needed to hear that, but the Safe Place thread is all about *not* hearing that. I'm posting about memories that are coming back to me. Things I forgot about since my hospital experience. But you know what, again, this is the *Safe Place* thread and it shouldn't matter if I'm posting memories, or testimony of witnessing a pink elephant with 8 tusks. And a tiara. Lol.

Sorry. I was just concerned because I care.

First rule of Safe Place is you never talk about Safe Place.

I heard ducks voice outside my window, my voices are getting more creative

At the absolute worst time possible, now I'm getting jaw pain. It may or may not have to do with any teeth still around the pain. I've been dreading something like this, knowing what condition I'm in. And knowing that I'm supposed to be moving someplace ASAP.

They have me afraid to stay here, which no one should ever be worried about if the rent is getting paid. But I'm afraid of them. One of them walked into my place behind me while I was trying to arrange getting to the car they told me to go to, on April 3 I think.

Yes, I was actually going to get in a strange man's car, and they said he'd be taking me to a hospital in a neighboring state.

So, while I was waiting on the landing with my packed bags, this person got in my place and stole maybe around $80 to $100 worth of vaping supplies. I was too discombobulated to realize those things were gone but I asked him how he got in. He said via the window in the back bedroom, which was a lie, but I was confused and shaken up.

Anyway, this was what was happening just minutes before the Social Worker came and said she's committing me.

So I guess I could thank that lady for bringing me to safety before I ever had to get in the car.

More insanity went on in that week before April 3, it was unbearable stress and emotional agony. They had me believing things about my loved ones which was complete fabrication and lies. Unbelievable.

To clarify, I was ambivalent about going in that car and I kept going on the landing, and then back in my apartment without locking the door. So it was while I hadn't locked the door that the person got in. There's a door between my door and the stairs. And he disappeared to the back of the building just a short minute or so after I saw him in my apartment.

I've been having a lot of trouble feeling any emotion at all lately. It would drive me crazy but how can it? I don't like this numb feeling, but I don't know if I have a choice. This isn't a good way to live a life. I can't feel passion, so I have no drive. It's a good thing I have a few good habits. Still, I really don't care about much when I feel like this, which has been getting more frequent. I hate where I'm at. I feel like I'm cornered, and any which way I go I hit a dead end, and I'm getting fewer and fewer directions to go. Is this the new normal? Numbed mind, where I think of static all the time? **** my life.

Been a bit of a difficult day...

Didn't sleep that well last night... was awake-ish from 2-4:30am. Seems to have thrown me off kilter.

My overall anxiety levels are going down but it seems to me that some paranoia is exacerbating my anxiety, which is exacerbating the paranoia ad infinitum. Same sort of deal with visual stuff... colours seem a bit more vivid & everything is just a little dream-like... sort of puts me on edge...

Just in that headspace where something seems off & I am looking for what it is...

Like why did that car stop there with it's headlights on... why did that person look at me... were those voices I heard real or not when I can't see someone nearby... (which is yes) ... but you see I just keep having these questions. I don't have any specific answers but that doesn't mean I like having the questions in the first place..

And although it's reasonable to be a little scared/wary of dodgy people whilst out smoking. I might watch out the window when I go back in to check they aren't turning around, or check my flat to make sure no-one came in when I was out smoking. (silly since they'd have had to come out another flat in the building since I was at the front door)

These things aren't compounding to any specific delusions really, maybe some brief ones when coincidences happen. (cos you know, they can't be coincidence...) But still...

Seems to me these things keep adding up. By themselves they aren't too bad, but it's starting to impact on my overall mood/behaviour.

Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight & things will improve a little tomorrow. Who knows. Sort of hate waiting to see what'll happen... it'd be nice to know either things were going to **** & I should be back on APs, or it's just a blip & things will improve... but right now I just don't know & it sucks.

Oh well... time will tell.

loial. Hoping tomorrow is a better day for you.

I'm really stressing out by now being able to feel any positive emotions. This is my fourth day without any. What can I do? I feel ****ed. Like I'm damaged goods now. Everything annoys me, even my once passions. I just don't give a **** anymore. Before I would to feel something like every once in a great while. I can feel negative emotions no problem. At least I can feel those I suppose. I hate these meds so much. I hate them. I hate this illness. I can't write like this. I can't do philosophy, or enjoy a book. What's the point of life if you can't feel? This is ********. I'm sick of just existing. There is no point to life if I can't find happiness, because chemically it is impossible.

Serious, what the point of life if you can't be happy? That's a serious philosophical problem, and I always believed people found happiness in the perfecting of life, as if it were a game, as if it were a piece of art, but don't you need feelings in order to enjoy it? Otherwise one is living in a pointless mechanical world. There is no point. My affective is ****ed. I've tried so many meds to try to get this right and straight up, I'm ****ed. I would keep on trying but I don't have the money for insurance, for co pays, for deductibles. The healthcare system is a joke. Obama took a half step and now we are still giving hundreds if not billions to worthless insurance companies for what? So people can get paid for the suffering off others. That's inherently bad. They should get retrained for new jobs.

I swear, we will spend literally 1 trillion dollards for fighter jets, that is no joke, but we wont spend half of that for universal healthcare. Not just that but the politicians wont let us import meds to bring down the prices. That's right, the republicans who believe in fair trade wont let us trade in meds. **** them. **** my life. Politics is a religion of greed made of mostly crooks and liars.

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Still no positive emotions. I don't know what med changes I can do to over come this. I've tried so hard to fight this, and I keep losing. If I can't fix this then **** it.

It's my 30th birthday today. I had no issues with turning 30, I had all of my freaking out about how differently my life has turned out to how I imagined a couple of years ago. And I don't even like the fuss of birthdays. But today they converted my section 2 to a section 3. For non-UK peeps, that means they can keep me in hospital, drugged against my will for up to another 6 months on top of the month on section 2 that I've just done. It majorly sucks! I don't even know why they're keeping me locked up against my will. I haven't committed a crime, yet I imprisoned and chemically lobotomised (well I will be by the time I get to a therapeutic dose! I'm already sleeping 16 hours a day now!!) it just sucks. I hate it here. The ward is so noisy and they won't even let me go and do some colouring with the OTs, though at least I get leave with my mum who has come to stay nearby to see me, and I get a walk unescorted in the evening in the grounds. I just don't even know why they are keeping me here. I'm not ill! And I certainly don't have sz!!

*Willow*

I'm so sorry you're still there, Willow. . But i wish you as happy a birthday that you can have. : sadhug:

I'm really sorry willow. I was on a section 2 and was terrified that they would convert it to a 3 so I know a bit how you feel. Have they told you why they have done that and why they are keeping you there? The dr explained to me why he was putting me on a section but I know a lot of them don't bother. Happy birthday, I'm sorry you're spending it in hospital

I'm so sorry, I know you might not see it but I am sure they have reason to keep you in. These places are usually keen to check people in and out like a production line. I hope you manage to get something out of it all & don't have to stay too much longer... it really sucks they can hold you against your will though.

Happy Birthday anyway...

I am so sorry to hear willow.. but happy birthday, may this year things got better for you

Wrong forum. Sorry.

This is the first time I've ever heard voices. I'm scared to get help. I can't eat, I can't sleep without heavy meds and listening to music. I've always had anxiety and depression but this is very new to me.

I don't even know where to start...

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