[____]

After about 7 months on anti-psychotic medication (for the first time), I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been in denial about when I first started to hear voices... and about believing that I’m special. In fact, I’m starting to doubt everything and don’t really know what to believe at all anymore.

So I’m hoping that some of you may have some feedback that will help me sort things out?

(I apologize for the long post... I’m feeling lost right now which I think is reflected in my rambling...)

I grew up Mormon, and when I was 16/17 I began to believe that God was preparing me to lead the Mormon church. I would often receive messages from both God and Satan, and it almost always felt like evil spirits were following me, out to get me, and convincing others to do the same. Whenever I would do something contrary to the rules of the Mormon church – specifically whenever I masturbated – I would feel that I was letting the entire world down.

I’ve since left Mormonism for agnosticism and wrote off my experiences as just being fanciful expectations stemming from my patriarchal blessing – (can't post links yet, but you can find an explanation of LDS patriarchal blessings on Wikipedia if you’re interested).

But I’ve never lost the feeling that there are people watching me, trying to block me from success. I’ve mentioned this to doctors in the past, and they didn’t seem concerned, so I just figured it was normal.

The voices (God & Satan) subsided for the most part

Possible trigger:

usually only reappearing when I was suicidal, telling me that I couldn’t die/wasn’t allowed to die even if I wanted to

until resurfacing a few months ago – no longer as God or Satan, but nonetheless as a benevolent being and a malevolent being.

I’ve also never really lost the belief that I’m supposed to contribute to something world-changing – like a scientific discovery or something. Until now, I’ve never thought twice about it. It never felt “special” or out of the ordinary to me. Just as I don’t think it’s “special” that I’m gay and none of my other siblings are. I figured that it’s just who I am as a person, my part to play in life, everybody having their own unique composition of traits/talents.

But as much as I want to tell myself that it’s just my ambition or a belief about my potential, there’s a feeling of certainty behind everything. And I guess it’s not so much that I see it as my potential but rather as what I have inside me now that I can’t get to because everyone’s trying to stop me. I still often feel extreme guilt of letting the world down because I can’t seem to overcome the roadblocks everyone keeps putting up against me.

So, I guess, if I’m being honest with myself, there is a belief of self-importance? I don’t know.

... and if I’m being honest with myself, there’s also a belief that I’ve been developing muscle mimicry – to the point where I’m physically able (e.g. flexibility). I took it as evidence of my developing ability when I heard that the new X-Men movie (X-Men being my favorite comic/cartoon series since I was 9) is going to be released on my birthday, follows my favorite X-Men arc (the Age of Apocalypse) and is set in 1983 (the year I was born).

Taking a step back, though, it’s starting to seem like these thoughts are rather farfetched. I’m also starting to see a pattern of believing that I have a (mostly latent) special ability/purpose that people are trying to prevent me from fully achieving -- with feelings of failing the entire human race when I don’t measure up to who I ultimately am.

And, like I mentioned, the voices that (re?)popped up a few months ago seem the same as the God and Satan voices I heard when I was 16/17. They just go by different names now.

So now I’m questioning whether I’ve had psychotic symptoms much longer than I realized?

... again, I’m sorry for the rambling post. Like I said, I’m feeling lost and rather beside myself (in a rather literal, disjointed-identity kind of way). I don’t know what to make of anything anymore, so any thoughts/insight would be much appreciate.

Merci d'avance !
(Thanks in advance!)

[Skeezyks]

Well... the Skeezyks is no kind of expert with regard to this sort of thing. But, yes, it sounds to me as though you've been struggling with the same sorts of thoughts & auditory hallucinations for quite a while now. I guess I'm sort-of surprised that the doctors you have mentioned this to weren't concerned. But, then, as I think back over my own experiences in the mental health system where I live... I guess I'm really not all that surprised after all.

The good news here, it seems to me, is that you seem to have perspective with regard to what you're experiencing. If you were having these experiences & were convinced they were real... that, I think, would be a more serious situation yet. Under any circumstances, I think if it were me, I'd want to keep mentioning the experiences you're having to whatever mental health professionals you're seeing at present. Just my personal opinion... for what it's worth.

[insilence]

I've found the voices play with us based on our vulnerable beliefs. If you believed a hamster was god and ferret was Satan, the voices would play on that. You can erase their memory in you by blanking specific beliefs, like erasing a hard drive. I suggest grounding yourself with silver bead wire too. To me its a technology.

[____]

Thanks to both of you.

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

The good news here, it seems to me, is that you seem to have perspective with regard to what you're experiencing.

I think this new-found perspective is what's scaring me the most. Like, if these things aren't real, what else can't I trust about myself? What if I'm the hallucination?

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

I think if it were me, I'd want to keep mentioning the experiences you're having to whatever mental health professionals you're seeing at present.

I think I need to find different professionals. I just don't feel safe with my current ones. Of course, I don't feel safe even leaving my room lately.

But, yeah. I definitely agree that I need to find the right help.

Originally Posted by insilence

You can erase their memory in you by blanking specific beliefs, like erasing a hard drive.

Any tips on how to blank specific beliefs?

[Angelique67]

[QUOTE=____;5051160]Thanks to both of you.

I think this new-found perspective is what's scaring me the most. Like, if these things aren't real, what else can't I trust about myself? What if I'm the hallucination?

I have struggled with those same thoughts.

I think I need to find different professionals. I just don't feel safe with my current ones. Of course, I don't feel safe even leaving my room lately.

Yep. :/

[insilence]

One way to test the technology is to focus attention to your inner brain, squeeze with both thought and brain muscle, they will tell you they are not reacting somewhere, you can also change how the characters sound.