[ickydog2006]

Today in therapy, I brought up something incredibly upsetting to me. I'm going to be visiting home (I haven't been in a bout 3 years) and I felt guilty. I felt guilty because I've had hallucinations most of my life and one of them was a girl in my closet. She never spoke and every now and then she would get really close to me and it would scare me and I would cry and close my eyes and beg for her to go away, but she never really did anything to me. I made space for her because if I didn't her body would contort in weird ways to make her fit (one of the easiest ways for me to distinguish her as a hallucination). I've been home before since being on meds. She's not there now that I'm medicated. But the last couple of days I've felt so guilty, like I pushed her out, like I made her leave, when she didn't do anything to deserve that. I've been literally crying about guilt towards a hallucination. I know/knew I wasn't supposed to apologize to her or make amends (I'm in a recovery program so I"m used to having to make amends) because I'm not supposed to acknowledge hallucinations as real. But I didn't know what to do. My therapist told me I needed to apologize to myself, because it's a part of me, not a separate entity. At first I didn't understand. Eventually we got to where he said, "You can apologize to you for having to leave a part of you behind so you could heal and be better." And something clicked. I had to give up a part of me, my hallucinations/brain activity, so I could live in other's reality, so I can have meaningful relationships, so I can move forward in my life. When I left, I got in my car, and I cried and cried and eventually I took a xanax because I couldn't stop crying. I know I will probably have to write an apology to myself but for now I am emotionally drained and have no one irl who can really understand. I lost a part of me. I had to leave a piece of me behind, and I know it was the right thing to do (just like sometimes we have to leave real people because of the toxic influence they have on our lives). I've mourned the loss of the voices before, even though they were never positive, it felt isolating and lonely, especially at first, because they had practically always been there. Every now and then that loneliness and absence has crept up like waves. But I don't remember it hitting me like this. It's been a year and a half since my last hospitalization and the longest period of time I've had without hallucinations since I was at least seven years old. I just keep getting hit with wave after wave now of loss, this anguish and grief of losing a piece of me. And now I'm back to crying. I wonder if this is similar to the feeling of having to leave an abuser that you love. I know this pain will pass and I wish I had a friend that could truly understand. Not only did I lose a piece of me, I LET it go, I PUSHED it away, I GAVE it up. I KNOW it was the right decision, but this hurts so bad

[Skeezyks]

Hello ickydog2006: Without going into the details, I'll just say that I have some idea of what this is like. So I celebrate your courage in letting the part of you go that needed to go in order for you to be able to heal. And I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...