[mindwrench]

I recently and reluctantly began a anti psychotic medication for the first time in my life. I first morning I woke up after taking it the night before, I started getting scared because it felt like half or more of my mind was gone. I got up and did my morning routine, while testing to see if various things still worked. I could still walk, talk, eat, do math, read and remember things, etc. But it was so freaking ***QUIET***. I kept thinking the drug had sedated me so severely that I didn't know who I was. Yet I could perform tasks normally, I could drive and operate electronics just fine. I have taken a dose with supper for two nights in a row. The initial effect the first morning was the most profound waking up that next morning after an unheard of for me 7 HOURS OF SLEEP.

I did not have any anxiety attacks yesterday or today aside from my initial fear when I first woke up the first morning with so much of what I am used to being gone, like 80% of my mental "activity" was missing.

Second night I slept strait through almost 7 hours again. I am either adjusting to my mind being so radically quiet, or I am being further lost in the medication. I feel like I went to sleep the night I took the first dose, and have not woke up since then or I did wake up but I am locked up somewhere deep in my brain, deperately sending messages to the surfaces that "I" the person typing this am listening for, but not knowing if I can hear those cries for help, or am imagining that I am bound up somewhere and unable to tell the surface that I can't get loose.

I remember my greatest fear of meds and why I resisted them for so long, was that I would lose some part of myself, or all of myself, and what was left in contact with my body and the outside world would not necessarily know it had happened and therefore might not save me from that fate.

Either I am locked inside my own mind, or I had massive amounts of voices that are now locked inside, or I have alters that are no longer able to communicate with the surface or with the person typing this. I don't know which it is? I stopped talking to myself yesterday and today, as there is no one there to listen.

I "the person typing this" am not afraid, but I am concerned that I am not protecting or helping the "me" who is trapped right now. I was untreated for whatever illness I have for so long, that it became my normal, my baseline, the only thing I knew.

I can say for sure, there has been no psychotic symptoms yesterday or today. And I was in psychotic episode nearly continuously before. I have always been aware of what is real and not real so although I was afraid and got panic attacks because of my delusions and hallucinations, I did not do anything rash (recently), and still managed to hide the illness from most everyone until I spilled the beans to the two pdocs I met with Thursday who put me on Latuda.

I tend to think at this point that I have been sick for so long, that coming out of the fog of the illness a little bit looks like an attack on my very being, I am trying to do the right thing. I feel a very strong urge, to stop the medicine because I feel like some part of my being has been cut off from me. What if it is the voices I am missing, then having them back would be bad. What if I have alters that are locked away?

I have not dissociated, or had a time jump a single time since waking up yesterday morning. I usually dissociate every day, and lose time several times a day.

Help me to know if I am getting better, or if I am on the wrong medication and it is tearing my identity apart.

[junkDNA]

Meds take a while to work. Antipsychotics can make one feel foggy and slow. It will wear off eventually (usually). Were you hearing voices through your ears? Or just in your mind? It might be cutting off a part of you. I felt that way. At first I felt that I didn't like not being delusional, because my delusions made me feel important and alleviated total boredom. Gradually I accepted that I simply cannot be delusional acept still function on a normal adult level. There are aspects that I miss. I understand how that might sound weird. I think others who deal with psychosis can relate...

[junkDNA]

Acept = and **

[mindwrench]

For the first time in awhile, I am home by myself without being afraid. I just made coffee and did my impressions of a few famous voices I do pretty well, meaning I feel somewhat playful.

In some ways I am thinking, If this is still me, If I am all the real and "good" me still. Then I want a lifetime supply of this medicine. I have lived in HELL for so long, it has been soo wonderful these last day and a half, to not be afraid, to go to bed and actually sleep for more than an hour without waking up.

To prepare a meal, take a shower, do laundry, feed the dogs with out getting so confused that I am unable to complete the task until it passed. I have done everything perfectly yesterday and today, with no confusion.

Wouldn't the medicine be hurting me if I didn't need it? Can it only make me better if I do in fact need it? Trying to feel like I'm doing the right thing.

Maybe I am terrified of liking this feeling. I don't want to suffer more. It's the first ray of hope. Is that why it makes me think something is wrong?

[OliverB]

I only can say I don't take antipsychotics because they kill part of my personality and feelings, and make me foggy and dumb, which doesn't go away for me.

It's a hard decision because it means you have to deal with psychosis, but it is a respectable one.

You have to do what make you happier, that's the best advice, I think.

Originally Posted by mindwrench

I recently and reluctantly began a anti psychotic medication for the first time in my life. I first morning I woke up after taking it the night before, I started getting scared because it felt like half or more of my mind was gone. I got up and did my morning routine, while testing to see if various things still worked. I could still walk, talk, eat, do math, read and remember things, etc. But it was so freaking ***QUIET***. I kept thinking the drug had sedated me so severely that I didn't know who I was. Yet I could perform tasks normally, I could drive and operate electronics just fine. I have taken a dose with supper for two nights in a row. The initial effect the first morning was the most profound waking up that next morning after an unheard of for me 7 HOURS OF SLEEP.

I did not have any anxiety attacks yesterday or today aside from my initial fear when I first woke up the first morning with so much of what I am used to being gone, like 80% of my mental "activity" was missing.

Second night I slept strait through almost 7 hours again. I am either adjusting to my mind being so radically quiet, or I am being further lost in the medication. I feel like I went to sleep the night I took the first dose, and have not woke up since then or I did wake up but I am locked up somewhere deep in my brain, deperately sending messages to the surfaces that "I" the person typing this am listening for, but not knowing if I can hear those cries for help, or am imagining that I am bound up somewhere and unable to tell the surface that I can't get loose.

I remember my greatest fear of meds and why I resisted them for so long, was that I would lose some part of myself, or all of myself, and what was left in contact with my body and the outside world would not necessarily know it had happened and therefore might not save me from that fate.

Either I am locked inside my own mind, or I had massive amounts of voices that are now locked inside, or I have alters that are no longer able to communicate with the surface or with the person typing this. I don't know which it is? I stopped talking to myself yesterday and today, as there is no one there to listen.

I "the person typing this" am not afraid, but I am concerned that I am not protecting or helping the "me" who is trapped right now. I was untreated for whatever illness I have for so long, that it became my normal, my baseline, the only thing I knew.

I can say for sure, there has been no psychotic symptoms yesterday or today. And I was in psychotic episode nearly continuously before. I have always been aware of what is real and not real so although I was afraid and got panic attacks because of my delusions and hallucinations, I did not do anything rash (recently), and still managed to hide the illness from most everyone until I spilled the beans to the two pdocs I met with Thursday who put me on Latuda.

I tend to think at this point that I have been sick for so long, that coming out of the fog of the illness a little bit looks like an attack on my very being, I am trying to do the right thing. I feel a very strong urge, to stop the medicine because I feel like some part of my being has been cut off from me. What if it is the voices I am missing, then having them back would be bad. What if I have alters that are locked away?

I have not dissociated, or had a time jump a single time since waking up yesterday morning. I usually dissociate every day, and lose time several times a day.

Help me to know if I am getting better, or if I am on the wrong medication and it is tearing my identity apart.

Good, maybe when your mind quietens, you can discover who you are again.

[flutterfree]

the voices are not a part of you and even if theyre arent you better off with out them? you finally get to sleep and the anxiety has gone away, sounds to me like your getting better. do not stop taking your meds, meds are good for you, trust me.