Roll Call 86

I found when the music ends, to be such a metaphorical book. It was hard for me to read, which is why i never finished it.

Let me know what you think!

I forgot to take my oral 10mg Abilify for a few days. Starting to feel depressed. Everything is like a black hole of nothingness. I took more Concerta but it made me feel even worse.



I feel nothing. Just numb. Idk what will make me happy anymore.

Everything's just nothing. Nothing matters anymore.

I'm depressing. Everything around me is getting sucked into my nothingness. I feel worthless like everyone's above me. Now I realize we're all the same. Except other people have that spark. Mine is dying.

Surely I'll be fine but I have no goals and everyone does. Everyone's striving towards something. Keeps them going.

I just want to go back. To when I was going on holidays with my family where there was connection. Now there's no connection and everything is dead.

Heaven I think will be too depressing cuz I'll be around people that are happy. Who want's that? Who want's to be in some vision that someone else created. I feel like just watching fire burn and think about nothing that's all I can feel.

I just felt it creeping up on me. Maybe I need to go back on an SSRI?

Mood stabilizers will make me lose my focus.

Morning. I feel lonely today. I wanted to text some friends that I haven't talked with for a while but I was too anxious to do that. Anyway, hope you guys have a good weekend.

Hey guys,

Hope everyone's weekend is off to an ok start.

I'm aiming to get back into better routines this w/e. Today I got up at 10am and I don't want to have any naps. I think the plan is to aim for bed at 9pm and waking up at 9am.

Managed to do some tidying this morning and going to keep going this afternoon. I'm sure having my flat tidier will help me feel better. For one if I get all my dishes done then I should be able to get back to cooking some meals again rather than just ready meals and takeouts.

Afternoon guys, hope you're all okay.
Went for breakfast with the fam and going to see my friend soon, we have a date with a bottle of rum haha.
I'm feeling pretty good today, it's nice and bright and I'm wearing my new outfit.

Sorry you're feeling lonely 12pm, could you maybe try to build up to texting your friends? I'm sure they'd be glad to talk to you

Sorry the weekend is tough for you newtus. Are you still in contact with those friends you had before? Could you maybe speak to them?
Hope your headache is a bit better

I hope your exam results are clear. I'm having problems remembering things too, could it be related to your mh?

That's what I was asking her.....really I just wanted to take a supplement that I read was helpful in bipolar cognitive issues but she took it really seriously. I basically said that what I did while getting my phd was read three to five papers a night and remember them the next day but now I can only read like one and remember twenty percent of it the next day. I just can't remember details. She asked if I had problems with day to day stuff like paying bills....I mean I have forgotten the occasional bill but only because I'm busy these days. Mainly I'm having reading and memory issues....I won't be tested for at least a month but I'll let you guys know what happens.

Yea i am but everyone i know works all the time. Fulltime jobs or two jobs. I never see my friends anymore. They are too busy.

Sorry you are feeling lonely

Good morning everyone. I hope you all have a good day.
I don't have anything planned for the day. It's takeout and xfiles night so there's that. Otherwise I plan to stay wrapped in my blanket. It's cold today.

I'm buying a used car today. A 2001 Celica. Silver. Manual transmission. If it drives well then I'm going to buy it. Buyer says nothing is wrong with it. It's nothing special but it is a manual which is really what I want. I'm buying it for just 2k. I've been borrowing a car for awhile. It should be cheap to fix too.

For quite some time now my short term memory has become scarily bad. Can't think very well at all anymore. I don't know what to do - there's no cure, but I guess there are treatments. I'm just afraid to find out that my brain is deteriorating with a worsening condition.

Idk, I'd think being in heaven would make you very happy cos, hey, it's heaven.

But having more time to slog through on earth is a necessary thing to get through. If you do away w/yourself you don't get to go to heaven. Not for awhile, anyway.

I don't have much of anything to strive for. It's very inconvenient.

Company helps lift my mood. Even though its tough to feel those raw emotions, because medicine literally makes it almost impossible, I can still laugh and enjoy company. I can still meet women and feel intoxicated. I can still laugh at a great joke. I can still find music, maybe not moving, but interesting. Which makes me hunt deeply for music that is interesting.

I feel numb too. I've tried just about everything I can think of to help me feel again. The only thing I haven't tried is Abilify, because Geodon gives me no side effects and it isn't the cause of anhedonia.

The new Logan movie looks good. Have you seen that? Is there some time of music that scratches the surface of your emotions? I usually go for that until I feel motivated to do something, to do anything.

I'm sure they would t bother to test people if there weren't treatments.....it's worth a shot if there are.....

SP when I was going through psychosis my memory was deteriorating from stress. Stress pines away at your hippocampus, your center for memory. Then I was put on Risperdone and it began to get worse. Then I was put on a very light dosage of Geodon and it began to immediately repair itself and I was back in the game. Then I was also put on Lithium and it got worse again. Then they switched me over to Lamictal and it stayed bad... for 6 months. Over time it got better. The brain can heal itself, if only you can find the right meds.

You're already reading, focusing, and trying to memorize but sometimes it's just our meds. I know a lot of women on here whose memory has become worse over time... My brain was wrecked after my psychosis. The key to success is once you get the meds right to read and engage yourself in everything you can possibly do. I was in school and at work when I was on the road to recovery and it worked.

Yes, you're right, thanks. Maybe they could stem the tide or something.

The wind is blowing around and it feels like spring in here.

Yes, I have trouble with all those things. I'll tell myself I must pay the utility bills and then realize I meant to get it done all week.

While im taking my pills, I have to have my notebook open in front of me to record what I've taken seconds after I've taken it. If I don't, I have no idea whether I took them or when.

I don't remember things I've read, or much of anything anymore.

Yes I had considered the meds as one possible explanation.....also I know the stress isn't helping...
The doc offered me a ssri for anxiety...but I'm going to call about therapy instead.

Lithium helped my anxiety. However, I had tremors so they switched me to Lamictal. At 300mgs it really stopped my anxiety and panic attacks. It's not as numbing either. It has helped with my depression, panic attatcks and what would be my mood swings. Biut I don't think I would have mood swings on them anymore. I believe that was just a one time thing due to an SSRI reaction. Damn lamictal called brain fog and memory issues, nm. After awhile it went away though!

May I ask what any psychotic you are on?

I'm on Abilify.....works well for me...knocks the anxiety down a bit too..

My memory sucks too. Not so much my short term anymore. But I can't remember what happened last year. It's like it's been wiped from my memory. It's scattered.
My short term isn't great but it's a hell of a lot better than it used to be.

Lithium gave me tremors too. I have been off of it for 3 years and I still have trouble writing. I hated that drug.