Bizarre Thoughts and Delusions

hobo2000 · Feb 25, 2017, 01:50 PM

I've been having these bizarre thoughts about being the subject of an experiment, thought insertion and hidden messages, stalking and harassing, poisoning, and being watched with cameras since 2008. The thoughts used to weigh heavily on me, but now they are mostly fleeting now because I've limited my stressors significantly, but they still bother me because I feel like everyone is conspiring against me and forcing me to express myself. I'm not really sure why this started, and I don't feel like it's a part of me really. At the same time though I feel too embarrassed to talk about these things in therapy, because I'm worried my doctors will try to prevent me from working and/or hospitalize me and ruin my life, and again because I believe I am being watched or "monitored" by others other than my doctors. I really don't know how to talk about it to anyone because my mind works so fast and I'm trying to be considerate of my counselor, because as soon as I say something "psychotic" she will jump up and walk out of the room to go get a large man that can over power me.

It started out with hearing people saying bizarre things from my peers, and what I heard would either make me laugh or panic. I've been told I am hearing voices, and I will go ahead and believe it because sometimes I do not feel like myself or in control, and I don't want to believe anyone would conspire to deliberately psychologically torment me.

I started hearing messages in music and hearing people talking at me through satellite and cable television after the voices started (although, there was an occurrence when I was a girl that I heard a woman say something rude at me in a children's show), and after I began believing I was being monitored with cameras. When I was a teenager I would listen to a lot of music to make up for my lack of friends because I didn't know how to socialize, because I never went to school or church or anything like that and mostly never saw family. I began having thoughts about people I knew living in my neighborhood and I believed they were the ones sending me these "messages" through the radio because they were accusing me of stalking them. After said person confronted me about my strange behavior I felt intimidated but also validated about my feelings and I took it and ran with it, and I private messaged him through a social media website and called him every name in the book while still hiding my motivations and accusations behind my rants at him. After the realization started that people were sending passive aggressive hidden messages to me through media and things I began believing they were putting ideas in my head via the internet.

I believe strangers and acquaintances have been moving all around to live closer to me. I believe my neighbors are talking about me and keeping up on me. People are trying to cause confrontation with me to "expose" me as a bad person by making me mad and playing mind games with me to humiliate me. I believe everywhere I go everyone knows who I am through a sixth sense like I'm a walking-talking live-wire.

I believe someone has been poisoning me since I was a child to try to hurt me and give me cancer. He's been following me around everywhere, watching me with cameras and been punishing me passive aggressively and punishing me for behaving or reacting in certain ways. He makes my body ache all over and feel sick and causes me sickness and mental confusion and blacking out. He affects me and causes me to feel certain ways that would compromise my life and health.

I believe I'm being monitored by people to watch and see what I do and how I act. They want to watch me to see what I am doing so they can present me with ideas and put ideas in my head and hurt me so that I am in a constant state of severe anxiety and fear. They watch me in the bathroom, in my car and while I'm working and they pray on me and notify everyone about what I'm doing and people are talking about me on a forum so they can keep up with me to mess with me.

This all ties into the belief that I am a part of a psychological experiment being done on people to try to cause them to become psychotic and they are going to take our brains when we die so they can study them for science.