[StandStill]

Okay I would like some advice... this will be long I warn... Thank you ahead of time to anyone that take the time to read though. I'll be as short as possible though.

I've been having a lot of trouble getting help in my town... when I was in highschool I was diagnosed as Borderline Personality (I was 16 or 17 at that time), but as I got older and I reasearched it (I am now 19) I really don't see myself having many of those traits, at all!
Maybe an occasional trait here and there, but nothing persistant. Not to mention I was a teenager at the time (Aren't you supposed to be an adult for this diagnoses?)
In my earlier years (grade 8) I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia, and then recently I saw another psychiatrist who said I was "Schizoaffective"... Now my doctor thinks I'm schizoaffective, but the hosptial thinks I'm Borderline... It is causing great distress for everytime I've gone there in the past few years they have brushed me off and treated me like a joke. They also keep suggesting a TIDES prgram (dialectic therapy), so finally in dismay I have agreed to go.

Last time I was there was a few days ago, because these voices talk to me through my ears (I think they are demons or floating thoughts in the air about me) were telling me not to eat because I am a fat disgrace and everyone is poisoning all the food (having to do with the government poisoning everyone to get more money through prescription drugs), and they just would keep insulting me all the time eveytime I'd eat.
So I told her that these voices were telling me this through my ears, and she said "Well... you know psychotic people don't KNOW they are voices." and I said "Well that's good?" and she just confused me???
Okay so, with that all said, other times I feel angels in the sky and I know the world is slowingly ending, as well as the fact we are nothing but a collections of cells making up "gods" body, so we are god... And well I figure I can know the meaning of life in a few years because I seem to be able to figure stuff out easily (having to do with matter, weather and such). As well as the fact I can control rain, so I assume that doesn't mean nothing. I hope I'm making sense here.

The other day I thought I figured out a way to fly using magnetic energies in relation to height, but when I told my boyfriend (he's in the hospital) he got really mad and said I can't do that, which made me upset. As well as my friend Sheila said I shouldn't try it because I will go "splat"... and it's like no one believes me. Sometimes I feel like jumping in front of a train.

Anyways, also I noticed throughout the years I would get really sad for a long time for no reason and think I was a burden to everyone and I was terrible and ugly and nasty and deserved nothing but death. As well as I don't bother to eat. And the demons would tell me to kill myself in grae 12, I used to listen, but when I saw them around my bed one time I got scared they would take me away if I killed myself... so now I would never dare unless it's angels talking.
As well as sometimes I get really hyper and talkitive with a million ideas and I don't sleep much. I would pursue many goals and create many things a visit and phone everyone I know/knew. And eventually I started to think there were spiders in my brain controlling everyone (I also have a theory about spiders and their role in the world)... Sometimes I'd get too hyper and then eventually feel out of control and then get really aggressive and angry, lashing out at people and running away in paranoia...
Ugh, there is so much that goes in my head (yet so little?), it's hard to explain it all.

My family kicked me out of their house, so I live with my nanny for now. I lost so many friends, but I have a few loyal ones... as well as people at work all say I'm crazy? It's not very nice. Because lots of time I walk around talking out loud, and sometimes I yell at inanimate objects because I feel like they are making fun of me, or sometimes I tell people to stop looking at me or thinking of me because I hear their thoughts in my head.
Although I stopped doing that after awhile because people started to make fun of me, I try to be quiet now.
Oh, and I also notice my memory is so bad these days, as well as my energy levels change as well as motivation for life. I actually seem to have lost enjoyment for life in general, I always wondered where it went...

Oh and my dad has bipolar (but he said he had schizophrenia once??? I don't know what that means)... and I notice my nanny is kind of strange at times, moody and has lots of weird ideas sometimes (like she asked me if my parents has been poisoning me).

Okay I think this is long enough...
Basically I am wondering your opinions on what it sound like I may have? I'm tired of being given the run around and being confused all the time.
If you need any other information I'll be glad to share.

Also, what should I do about the doctoring situations? Should I just do what they tell me and forget trying to change anything?

oh my..you have been through a lot!! Are you on meds? Do you think they help you? Its also okay to get a second opinion from a different psychologist if you don't feel like you are getting the help you need. That is important. It seems you do have some issues in the schizophrenic, schizoaffective or some area.. given the voices you feel you hear and delusions perhaps. The important thing is do you feel like your T is helping you with these things. Do you feel reasonably supported by her?

[StandStill]

I am not on meds anymore, I have been put on mood stablizers and anti-psychotics before, but they all had nasty side effects... so I quit them. Plus I think meds are born from greed these days... Just more money for doctors, why aren't they finding better ways to treat people? Than shove pills down their throat...?
As for having a cousellor of some sort, I don't have one... the mental health nurse I refered to was from the emergency department (to ascess my situation).
For some reason I've been having tons of trouble getting a psychiatrist (or something!) around here...
So I am getting no support at all... all they ever offer is meds...
Oh... What part are the delusions?