[greenfairy]

i remember reading/hearing that perfect paranoia is perfect awareness. no meds and no sleep, bad combination. at the moment i think theyre coming to get me but that somehow this time its different. they really ARE coming to get me. thinking about it though im pretty sure i have that thought every time, that its my supersenses picking up on something and not some paranoid delusion. the day actually started out ok. went for a walk. but i saw a red neon (car) and a guy was dumping something and he looked at me funny and unfortunately he drove by me again fifteen minutes later so of course now im convinced he will come for me and i look out the window theres a guy standing there so hes in cahoots with red neon guy. i have a feeling this will be my day, pacing the length of the halls and staring out the window. im in patrol mode. its exhausting and i hate myself for it. every noise is them breaking in and im trying not to freak and call the police. they know me well. 911 every time i have a bad panic attack because im sure for once its actually my heart bursting and if i dont call it will be fatal. my neighbors hate me. it wouldnt be so badif i thought red neon guy would shoot me and i would die a quick death. no he wants to torture me. im guessing no showers today. no air conditioning. nothing that will mask all the little noises that could signal them breaking in. cause this timeits different. im sitting here trying to make myself read my own words and realize i just need some sleep or seroquel or a reasonable voice in my ear and in about 2 seconds i will get up and patrol again. exhausting.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))