Roll Call 96

I would be worried too but she's in the right place now.

One of them was my pss. She said i have made some major breakthroughs in the past 3 weeks. Talking more in group, realizing i shouldnt be with my ex and falling into his traps, contacting people when i need help instead of stuffing everything away in my head, etc more stuff but mainly that

Too much to do, not enough time. Need to prep my talk still but it's bedtime. Guess I'll be burning the 9 o clock oil tonight. Luckily the talk isn't til Saturday so I have one more day to practice.....

My neighbor is spying on me again, I just know it I can hear them over there. This is every night, I know they are trying to figure out information about me and the hospital. They are trying to get into the electronic medical records system. I know it, I know it. I sit in my apartment in dead silence so they can't hear anything.

What if they aren't? I thought my neighbor, and all my friends, where hacking me and breaking into my apartment but it was just a gut feeling that wildly connected an extravagant web of unhinged causes and effects that created the wrost of all possible worlds. I hope i don't insult you by challenging you. It's just the only time i was able to see clear was through others challenging me on common sense causes and effects of the world.

This is a weird night. I think a guy likes me and i might go for him after i meet him in person.

I didnt meet him online or anything. Well i kinda did. He went to high school with me. We got back in touch through facebook. Havent seen him since i was 15 or so.

So I was starting to get positive symptoms of psychosis so I went to sleep. I’ve had a life changing dream. I can’t tell you all the details but I will tell you this..

There was a beautiful massive garden full of trees, plants and grass. I was driving through it recklessly in the dark while snorting 1, 2 and 3 (The 3 worst drugs - One short acting cardiotoxic stimulant, one long acting neurotoxic stimulant and an opiate). I was making pathways of dirt and devastation to the garden and I was seeing my life in front of me but for some reason, I kept driving because it didn’t feel like it was real life. It just felt like some kind of fun stimulation getting away from reality and I still kept driving because I didn’t know how big the garden was.

There was this card that I would get these girls to kiss a card with their different coloured lipstick and I would put it on the table and put the lipstick on my cheeks so I could enjoy ecstasy with them later because monoamine neurotransmitters are involved in dreams too, just like what ecstasy does to the Vetricular Monoamine serotonin Transporter 2's (VMAT2) in the brain as well as the long acting strong stimulant (Which is why they are both very neurotoxic to the brain). Well in real life, I fell asleep on ecstasy because it didn’t get me high probably because I was alone when I did it so it never happened but beside the card was a hole to the other side of the garden. It was the underground part where the rain would leak and it was made out of stone on the other side.

When I was driving recklessly through my garden, I would take benzos with the drugs which would turn into liquid and I would drain down that hole and fall upside down and hang on for dear life and scream in the cold and rain.

Then I saw a few of my friends from high school in Ireland sitting in the grass in the fog in the morning and smoking pot and asked me where have I been all my years?

I was talking about all these amazing things about all the trees I was planting and the girls I was with before trying ecstasy and then all of a sudden it started raining because I realized that there was no garden left and I was telling the garden owner about all these amazing things about all these trees that I was going to re-plant again.

The trees were all gone. I could see nothing but dirt and rain. The garden owner said, that’s really great that you're so enthusiastic about planting all these trees again but, what’s the point? Aren’t you going to just do it all again? Why should I give you these seeds? I said I wouldn’t do it again and that I promise like I did last time.

Then I was falling through the hole again and I fell to the other side where all the rain and destruction was but this time I fell and probably washed away into darkness and the unknown where the rain is evaporated again with heat or something.

Then I was back with the garden owner and woke up before he had anything to say and a huge shiver came down my spine.

Good morning. I hope everyone is having a good day.
I slept awesome. Still woke up tired but the sleep was great. Wish I could have gotten a couple more hours of it.
Have a great day everyone!

What should i do about this guy liking me? I still think lots of of times daily about my ex. Hes pretty much locked up in a group home and im scared because i love him and i feel like being with someone else will betray him.

I'm struggling a lot and back on drugs. I don't even get high anymore. I just use ev day so I don't get dope sick. I'm in a rut and a drug addiction cycle I can't break out of. And I have no support IRL

You aren't betraying him. He broke up with you and now he's stuck in a group home. You can still love him. You probably always will after all you lost your virginity to him. That doesn't mean you can't date.
If he likes you And you like him why not go for it. You may even see how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Your ex didn't treat you well. You deserve better.

You're on heroin right? Have you considered methadone or suboxone? They would help you to not get dope sick. My brother in law quit for several years with the help of methadone.
I'm really sorry you are struggling with no IRL support. Have you thought about going back to your T or getting a new one?

I do deserve better. Thats what everyone is telling me. Even my pss says that, who knows my ex because he used to goto her group there. (Where i met him).

My pss said my ex will always hold a special place in my heart because i lost my virginity to him and she said something about the first person you are intimate with is special.

Yes he would eat all my food in my house (beg for food until i fed him), id have to drive him everywhere, buy his ubers (with this birthday money i am no longer in that much debt), buy his food sometimes at fast food establishments, etc mainly those things.

This guy is really attractive and seems nice. But ive only been talking to him since maybe monday.

I wonder if all this is too early for me since my ex has broken up with me. Even tho it was like a month ago tho.

You could just start out as friends if you aren't ready. My husband and I hung out for a couple months before we got together. I was on the rebound. 24 years later we are still together and still in love.

What doesn't that mean "i was on the rebound"?

I was straight out of a bad relationship but still loved him. My husband was my feel better guy.

Aww. Thats bittersweet.

Thank you for your message, you didn't insult me. That is what I need to hear, this suspicion has been growing for months now. I won't go home during the day just long enough to shower, take meds, and sleep. Other than that I stay at my mom's place on the other side of town. Everything is just so real, that I know it has to be true.

Hes been sending me good morning texts.

Good Morning Everyone,

I got to sleep in today because I took the day off from work. I slept most of the night. I was only up 3 - 4 times for a few minutes at a time. It was a nice relief to sleep most of the night. Hopefully, I can get good sleep all weekend.

As far as today goes I've got to pay bills and go to the DMV and pay the registration for my car so I can get my plates transferred to it. Exciting day lol.

My ex boyfriend was a good boyfriend but he decided that our mental illness feeds off of each other so he broke up with me... it was 5 almost 6 years since I we were together... pretty hard break up for me.

What I did was block my ex's friends that didn't like me on facebook and slowly stopped talking to him everyday. At least for me it gave me a chance to get over him. Now he has a new girlfriend. It doesn't bother me like it use to.

Guess what guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was accepted for readmission. I gotta go see an adviser Monday and pick a class. So happy and thankful

Grats

Right, just spent the last 20 minutes catching up with roll call.

I hope everyone is ok! to those who need them.

Gretta... I hope you get some good news soon.

I've had a good day or so. My mum is up here at the moment and we went for pizza out last night. Today we walked to the park, looked around the winter gardens and had lunch in a cafe. Nice to do some different things for a change.

I also got an appointment with a physio for my shoulder but not until October. I guess I'll just have to follow the online self-help exercises for now and see if that helps.

I really wanted to get my flat pristine over the summer but that hasn't happened. It's not too bad but I'll just need to get into a routine for cleaning when college starts next week.

I also think I'm starting to hear my voices a lot less. Only a few minutes at a time a few times a day. Glad to have some improvement now I've been on olanzapine over half a year now. I think being busy helps too.

Phew. I think I covered everything in this post.

Im scared to get into another relationship. I think i need to focus on myself a little bit longer. I still love my ex and im not over him. We didnt date or barely talk between august of last year and march of this year. And even tho its a little easier this time around its still hard. Ill still talk to this new guy but i dont want to rush into anything.

Hes been texting me all day everyday tho...