Surviving Anhedonia

Hi. I have not been officially diagnosed with anhedonia yet, in fact until yesterday I had never heard of it. I stumbled upon the word reading these boards when i saw a message that read like i had written it. A member commented and said it sounded like anhedonia so I researched it and could put money on the chances i have been dealing with this for years. I am 49 and I would say probably since my 20's I have had this in some level of severity. I am posting here because I really need the input of others and opinions. I am not opposed to seeking talk therapy, but I do like to know what I am seeking therapy for due to my past experiences with therapists. But I do have a very good relationship with my pdoc so if it is something medication can help there is no problem.

First of all, I read the definition of anhedonia and it stated it is the inability to feel pleasure. I take it a step farther, I really dont feel any emotion. By reading posts here I see that is not unusual so i think so far i am in the right place. The whole thing is I dont feel bad. I am not sad. I have been blah in the past for years but that lifted about 6 months ago and i feel ok. I just cant do anything. I feel internally paralyzed. (i do suffer from anxiety and have wondered if it is my anxiety disorder doing this..but i think they are all linked) I can smile and laugh at tv shows but i feel like I fit the criteria for depression because there is no joy. Even when I see my grandbabies, the lights of my life I dont feel like I am emotionally at the level of normal. I dont get mad, I have no passion for anything in life, no motivation all the while I crave change.
I am logical now with emotional things it feels phony. I am a genuine person i dont like to be fake but I cannot get excited when i supposed to or cry when i am supposed to, even if i want to cry.

What I find quite upsetting, and again correct me if this is not a symptom, but I cant feel touch like I used to. From hand holding, massage to lovemaking it is like my body is hollow if that makes sense. This has really become a problem in the last six years since i am unable to orgasm now. This creates a whole new set of problems for me and my husband because my sex drive has died.

Another thing I noticed about the reward center of my brain is now when i smoke pot i dont get high, maybe 2 percent of the time if it is extremely potent weed...If I drink i dont feel drunk, no more getting tipsy. I get the physical affects of alcohol when i have too much beer, my speech will slur, i might tip over slightly but i feel no high and on two occasions i took shrooms---had no trip.

I know that the progression of my disease, duration and number of episodes and treatments I have received all have affected me and my brain, but I do believe I have anhedonia, I could really use your opinion and ideas to cope. thanks kt

I don't know if I have anhedonia. What I know is that whenever I gather with friends, I cannot connect with them, what leads me to don't going out on weekends and staying at home. I also don't feel the same thing that the rest of my family feels when I'm with them. I have the sensation of being different. But also feeling and living the world differently. Also with a lack of connection with reality: I don't behave the same way they do: i.e. when they are quiet, I cannot stand still.

That describes a lot of what my mental states too. I can no longer feel lonely. I can barely empathize at all. My cognition is great, but man, I use to be so sensitive, and now, I feel like a got a lobotomy, taking away the good and the bad. I cstill feel anxiety, but the biggest thing I miss is that connection with music I once had, or that passion forcing me to express myself in writing. I no longer feel wonder as an emotion.

After all the years of struggling with severe anhedonia, many things have happened since then. I believe it was caused by environment factors (But your dad has schizophrenia.. On the other hand, don't give up. I didn't give up. I kept researching constantly trying to find everything under the sun that would make me better - 50 different chemicals, spirituality, life experiences, support from friends and family - It's all needed) so it can be fixed by environmental factors. I didn't realize that it was environmental factors and of course it was genetics too and/because why didn't it happen to anyone else with the same environmental factors? What I know is that most people in Ireland seemed to be a "feeling" type of personality. I was molded into "thinking". Probably that has nothing to do with anything but I'm good at piecing all of these things together as time goes on.. The more you know and with creativity, I can explain it better.

Think about your whole life constantly and try to remember things that happened. Use the "windows" of anhedonia to think about the past and feel those emotions - All the imagery of pictures in your mind (Which I find to be a form of controlled hallucinating). It was my thing to try and figure it out (Even though I still get anhedonia when I withdraw from phenibut). But what I've noticed is that - By feeling that way (By having a lack of feeling), it's ok. I always hope that it will get better. You see why people with bipolar don't realize that they're depressed when they're in depression and some of them end up committing suicide. The brain in the current state says "I'm gonna be like this forever". That's how bad trips happen.

Psychedelic trips last for 6-12 hours and I've felt the most euphoric possible and the most dysphoric as completely possible. Nothing could feel as good and as bad as those trips. I don't recommend it. I really don't (Only when there's research and clinics where you can walk in, have a guided trip and then walk out looking at the flowers at the front door..). I'm not really afraid of pain anymore. I'm ready for complete hell because at least it's "feeling something". Not many people would say that if they haven't been through anhedonia. It could have been from my depression and not schizophrenia which was likely. Sometimes depression means not feeling anything at all.. Instead of those melancholy type sadness that people get to be able to write good songs, poems, art, make good music.

Anhedonia is really one of the worst things. I would hate to feel anxiety or dissociation but that basically means that I'm not "all there". What I mean is to be fully there.. Not feeling anything. I was always afraid of what people think of me when I'm in a bad state but the best thing to do is talk about it with people that don't judge and have acceptance. Being in anxiety states, pain or not feeling anything - You have to have some sort of hope - Otherwise, what's the point? You let what it could be become non-existent in exchange for giving up.

You're doing a lot of things. Working, writing your books, studying philosophy (Interesting thinkings), having time to relax with a beer or so, finding a partner, etc etc... It's all crazy stuff when you really think about it.. You have a dying passion for life from that crystalized mindset of what it used to be nonetheless and that will get you through it. That's all you need =]

Serotonergic plasticity in the dorsal raphe nucleus characterizes susceptibility and resilience to anhedonia | Journal of Neuroscience

Found this new article on anhedonia, haven’t had a chance to read yet.

Can Talk Therapy Help People Who Are Unable to Experience Joy? - Scientific American

Interesting new trial of a type of therapy for this.

I feel as though my situation for my anhedonia is untreatable. I have this feeling, I don't know if it is true or not, that my meds have given me brain damage. I've given up hope... I gave it a fight for many years, tried many meds, gotten off a lot of meds, adjusted dosages, and it's just made my life worse off-- two steps backwards and one step forward as I heal the damage they've done.

No giving up hope yet.

There's chemicals that aren't discovered yet and they together all can do unlimited things. We know psychedelics increase connections in the brain and can even grow new neurons as well as exercise, certain foods (Chemicals and atoms), brain games, life experience.

It seems hopeless because of not knowing the "way" to the cure. But it's there.. Somewhere.. We just don't know so the possibility of the "way" fades..

The time that it can take (You being 30 something years old) seems like it's a dead end and there's no point of trying..

They're working on cognitive enhancers for negative symptoms of schizophrenia.. They're fascinating drugs.. If only we were a utopia but do what you are able to do right now and crawl your way out... People are here to help and give you encouragement and inspiration.. Some people are assholes and don't do that because they're caught in a loop of a ****** being.. Egotistical, narcissistic, jealous, vindictive, unwilling to change, judgemental, etc...

Intelligent peoples struggle with apathy......