Psychosis ‘relapse? Or just nothing?

Hello. I'm having a lot trouble again. I can't talk to my psychiatrist since I really don't trust her nor my therapist I feel paranoid when I go to him. My paranoia rises feels like I'll run away. Also my voices have come louder lately.

So for the past few weeks my voices have been coming back. They never really faded or left just quieted during December. With the new year I don't know. My voices came back outrageously loud and it gives me anxiety. The first time they came back was at night. I was laying there unable to sleep. You can skip this part its a tigger.



I've been filled with paranoia. To make things only worse I feel sad-ish, like not completely sad. I think the feeling started when I came out to my mom obviously distressed, and my mom did nothing. It was late at night but she told me to sleep on the couch and then turned the TV on the 'relaxing moving art'. I couldn't sleep so she changed it to HP. I didn't fall asleep until 4:30 am and slept till 1:00pm. I haven't had any good sleep after that. I don't fall asleep till 1 or 2 am and sleep till 8 am.

I know I should tell my therapist and pdoc, but I don't want them to suggest inpatient. I hate it there. I know that's what they'll suggest. I just want to come clean about my feelings to my mom, but I'm paranoid and don't really trust her anymore. She, maybe it's just me, she acts cold. I don't really receive support from my other family members. My siblings distance themselves and such. And my dad's always busy. So that's out of question. And not anything important so forget that. I don't want to go inpatient.

How do I deal with my so called "psychosis"? I'm not on meds, I'm just in therapy. I don't know what to do. I feel that the voices are truly real people. I hate theses feelings! I can't cry for anything. I talk weird like my thoughts are all jumbled, I'm told this. But the voices come form anywhere. They'll come from white noise Like the fan or road or shower. But they are clear. But they'll also come form nowhere. They say they'll punish me if I ignore them. I don't know if that's normal for voices to come form those places. My memory, concentration, motivation has also gone down. I only shower since it feels relaxing.

I can't shake this feeling of that this is my reality and that the psychosis is the truth and this paranoia Isn't paranoia. Also that I'm not weird nor is this psychosis. And that I'm not talking strange. Isn't it real? What do I do? I don't want to go inpatient. Even though I know I should. Is this a relapse?

Sorry for long post. I don't know why I'm posting. Y’all are probably tried of post like these. I know the advice will be the same. But I just want to know how do I talk to my mom, therapist, and psychiatrist about this?