[eelsauces]

I've had a problem with paranoia on and off for a few years now. I've read that paranoia can sometimes be a symptom of BPD, but I'm not sure if that's what this is. I also experience a few symptoms of schizophrenia (the keyword there is "few" - I have trouble distinguishing what goes on in my head from real things at times, but I'm pretty sure I don't have hallucinations and I'm not the worst at taking care of myself) so that's a minor possibility. I also have generalized anxiety that could be a simpler explanation behind it. Basically, I'm not sure where else to put this.

Most of my paranoia has been kind of vague, abstract, and hasn't stuck around for too long at a time. In the past I've done things ranging from listening in on my parents to see if they were saying bad things about me, to covering the vent in my room with a handkerchief because I suspected that there was something in there watching me, to scribbling messages such as "stop watching me" in my sketchbooks while I was trying to draw.

Lately, though, something has stuck. For the past couple months or so I've had a sort of irrational fear of looking out windows at night, and I'm not entirely sure why that started. I'm usually the most afraid about it when I'm alone and/or about to go to sleep. Over time I've come to imagine some kind of shadowy humanoid figure waiting on the street outside for me to notice it.

It seems like recently it's been trying harder to get me to notice it, though, because a lot of nights I'll hear what sounds like a cat toy nearby when I'm trying to sleep. I've investigated a little bit, and there's no reason for that sound to be coming from anywhere in my room since even though I do have a cat, I almost always keep my bedroom door closed so there's no reason for a cat toy to be in there, not to mention being actively played with at night. I don't think my cat even has any toys that make the sound I keep hearing. That means it could only be coming from outside my window, but the problem with that is that my room is on the second floor of the house, and it sounds like the toy is very close to me. Maybe I am hallucinating...? I don't know. Either way, not only is it annoying, but it feeds into my fear that something outside is trying to get my attention, as if once it knows that I've noticed it that might give it power or something.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because there's been a new development today: I keep thinking I hear the front door lock and handle being messed with, very softly, like someone is trying to open it but can't, or maybe isn't actually trying to do anything more than get my attention. I haven't heard it in about an hour now, but it was there earlier.

Whether there's something actually coming after me or I'm just experiencing psychotic symptoms, I'm not sure what to do. I can't go to my parents about this because when I've brought up these kinds of "is it reality or all in my head" problems before, they accuse me of faking it. I need to know what's going on.

Does anyone have any advice for how to handle this situation? Do any of you have ideas of what the explanation for all this could be?

[*Laurie*]

I'm glad you posted about the problem you're having. I am not sure of what's going on, but it definitely doesn't sound pleasant. Do you see a pdoc and/or therapist?

btw, I'm sorry your parents dismiss your reality. I don't understand why so many parents do that to their children, except that the parents are frightened and don't know how to handle it.

[eelsauces]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

I'm glad you posted about the problem you're having. I am not sure of what's going on, but it definitely doesn't sound pleasant. Do you see a pdoc and/or therapist?

btw, I'm sorry your parents dismiss your reality. I don't understand why so many parents do that to their children, except that the parents are frightened and don't know how to handle it.

I am currently unable to see a therapist because my parents refuse to let me see one for anything that is not related to my FTM transition. Maybe if I get a therapist for that I might be able to slip in some other things in later visits... but it isn't likely.

I get the feeling that they're too afraid of having a child as imperfect as I am. Of course, that could just be my paranoia talking, but it seems that they have a tendency to brush off any major concerns I bring up regarding my mental health.

[*Laurie*]

May I ask what your age is?

[eelsauces]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

May I ask what your age is?

My age is 16.

[*Laurie*]

Oh, wow. So you're still dependent on your parents legally.

Therapy is not required during your FTM transition? Here in California, I believe it is. At least, people I've known who have transitioned have had to see a therapist during.

[eelsauces]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Oh, wow. So you're still dependent on your parents legally.

Therapy is not required during your FTM transition? Here in California, I believe it is. At least, people I've known who have transitioned have had to see a therapist during.

From everything I've read, it seems that therapy is usually required in order to get authorization to do things like take hormones and get surgery. However, I'm very early on in my transition, and haven't gone to a therapist to get those approved yet.

I have brought this up with my mom before, so I hopefully will be able to go to a therapist sometime soon. Like I said, if I can do that, I might be able to get help for the paranoia too.

[Dan Raleigh]

Sometimes, calming your mind is the best medicine. Try practicing that!