Write What You're Thinking

I just typed a very long post. Then deleted it. I'm annoyed that I am getting that paranoid feeling of being on a forum, and frustrated that I'm having negative thoughts overall right now.

I am missing my old days when everything was much better. It was for like a year or so, I was normal.

I'm thinking two things:

1) trick or treaters can sod off and shove trick or treating back up their backside where they pulled it out of

2) I'm a failure and probably people are only keeping me off ignore cause it's too much of a bother to put me on ignore I fail people

((((whispershadow))))

Just thinking that this day is l-o-n-g. Not too much going on at work. Kit

That's not true, Whisper. I am on the ignore list of the most loved user on this forum. Yet I think I am a good and worthwhile person.

About work, I am kinda obsessed with a job I want so much (not medicine or anything too scientific like that) but I've to get through the hell people call lab work just to get my bachelor's degree. It's hard.

When I was about in fifth grade I had friends and compared to this, it was a hell of a life. Now I study BSc and everyone thinks I am worthless cause of my looks and my health.

(((TheLonelyChemist)))

My eyes feel dark today and my head is heavy. I'm probably just tired, or the medication isn't quite right. Or I'm depressed. I know that's a lot of or's I just can't figure out which one it is. Should find out today what day the funeral is gonna be for Grandpa. Work is pretty boring again today. Not that I want it to be crazy. Just maybe the time could go faster. That would be nice. Kit.

I am tired of intrusive thoughts; I see a motion picture of my life inside my mind. My thoughts are constantly interrupted with images of the past and no matter what I do I cannot get this to stop. I begin to panic, slightly, and try to usher my thoughts away; but, it's useless. The memories invoke feelings of failure, of depravity, and of uselessness. I didn't choose this life because I didn't choose to be born. I sometimes feel like life is the ultimate slavery; we are born without choice. We are born as a specific sex, with specific sexual orientations, and with specific features. We are born into specific areas, to specific parents, to specific families. I never chose any of these things; they were forced upon me without choice. Now, I'm expected to live out the rest of my life trying to negotiate who I am with whom I am meant to be. Honestly, I don't who I am meant to be. I feel pressured, perhaps by myself, to be this grand person who's supposed to make a profound impact on society. Like, I'm supposed to get my PhD because that will prove my worth to society.

I want to be alone, but at the same time I don't want to be alone. I cannot make sense of this paradox. I also feel like I have been somehow manipulated to be where I am. Did I really choose this? People are too difficult to get on with, and if in the end they will hurt you, then what's the point of trying to get on with them?

One last thing. My bedroom door was slightly ajar. All of a sudden, it opened a little bit. In my mind, I thought perhaps this occurred because of some sort of positive pressure from the ambient air in the house. I also thought, maybe something or someone acted upon the door. So, I said, out loud, "Just open the door, I know you're there." The problem is, no more than a few seconds later, the door opened even further. Can someone explain what happened? What caused the door to open?

I work less than part time; more like quarter time. I work 8-10 hours a week. I have the benefit of being able to work from home, and I get to set my own varying work schedule. This means, I work when I can. I have an upcoming deadline, and I am not finished with the work. If I worked at it today and tomorrow, I could finish the work fairly easily. The problem is I just don't want to do it. I have no interest in the work, and I really wish I could quit. Several months ago, I put in a letter of resignation; but, I rescinded that resignation after further talk with my boss. So now I am stuck with the job. It's a blessing really; not many jobs provide the freedoms I have been given. On one hand, it allows me to be a contributing member of society. I am on benefits, so it's nice that I can still work and give back to the community. So, don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for the opportunity I have. I also need the money; benefits just don't pay enough. So, I am sitting here trying to convince myself to get busy - and it's difficult. I know I can go one more day without working; but, if I don't get things done today, then tomorrow is really going to suck. See, I'm torn. I am so thankful for the opportunity, I've just lost interest in the job, and it is so difficult for me to focus. This makes it difficult to get things done. I guess for now I will enjoy my coffee and then get to work.

I was able to get some work done over the past few days, and that is great. Otherwise, life has been completely filled with drama. I am not going to go into it, but it has been ridiculous. I am trying to step away from all the drama. It doesn't really involve me, except I am in the middle of two feuding friends. In my efforts to help, I have only escalated issues. So, I stepped out of the middle; but, it's too late really. I should have never got involved; I just hoped that I would get it resolved. That's what one gets for trying. Other than the work and the drama, I am a bit tired. My leg and ankle hurts, what else is knew?

I am in a minority of people in that I cannot stand dogs. I cannot stand their filth, their smell, their hair, their jumping, barking, and nagging, nor can I stand the stench of the food they eat, the excrement they leave littered in yards. I absolutely cannot stand them. And why am I thinking of this? Because I am being forced to take care of three of them whilst my mother is away on an out of state job. Every time I have to feed them, I dry heave and nearly vomit. The stench of the dried food mixed with foul odor of the canned food is enough to make me literally dry heave. They represent a prison to me. Fore because I must take care of these glorified vermin, I am tethered, imprisoned, in this house I no longer wish to be at. I really wish my mother would take them with her, but the condo her job has got for her does not allow them. So I am stuck here with these, my fellow inmates, without parole. I am sick to death of them.

Yesterday, I stayed in a bad mood. I couldn't even watch TV. I spent most of the day in silence.My biggest goal was just to sleep, and for the most part I suppose I did. Today, I am feeling unstable. I have a bit of anger within as I did yesterday and at the same time I have bit of sorrow. I just don't know what to do. The past week has been hard. I've had tears on and off, and I've had periods of anger. One thing I keep thinking about is escaping and running out into the woods and trying to find a way to live out there. Away from everybody, to be left alone, and to allow myself to live out a new reality. I am not stable right now, but I don't know how unstable I am. I feel like I have it under control, but I am not certain. Right now, I want to runaway. I am trapped here and cannot leave because of these dogs I have to take care of for my mother. If they weren't here I would be able to carry out my desires to runaway. But I guess I am left stuck here and that is driving me crazy.

I'm imagining if people was being held in jail somewhere what would happen if they started a singalong of that song from monty python "always look on the bright side of life"

That one of my very stressful days has gone ok, and I am glad for that.

I'm glad my roommate likes butterscotch. I have a bunch of it. And other stuff. It was unpleasant outside with the smokers before. None of them would move so I could have a chair, and they all jumped ahead of me going outside. Then coming in I got blocked behind a very slow moving power chair. It really ramps up my anxiety when I'm stuck behind anyone slow.

Sugar really isn't safe to eat. It makes you crave it more and pounds just pack right on. I wish I could go to sleep. I hope my headphones come soon.

Yay, I can unplug my headphones now! Charged them for an hour.

Will I ever have a feeling of well being again?

Here I feel the same... Due to sorrow of the fact that I feel lonely deep inside... I want to get know every person in this earth... I don't know why but I do. There's a TV series called Mr.Robot. In season three there's a soundtrack called a_little_push. I listen to it occasionally (as I am doing while writing this) and all I feel is loneliness and sorrow.

Thanks, Angelique.