Roll Call 147

What about? Are you ok?

Before I transitioned to living as who I am, being conditioned to live as a guy was not easy on me. I remember from being young that it was discouraged to talk about your feelings, or from crying etc. Whenever I cried others tried to get me to stop, or discouraged it. It sucked. Yet when my sister did, she got comforted and encouraged to just "let it all out". So yeah. It's societal gender norm conditioning ******** that contributes to this stuff. It took me some time to get in connection with my emotions after living with toxic societal expectations of me being something I wasn't.

What happened?

Hey everyone, how are things going?

I am mostly good. Anxiety has been a problem as of late due partly to financial crap. But I am pushing through it all. Been unfortunately using Valium quite a bit to handle the panic attacks to handle it.


I am still waiting on the one that I may work with for music. Otherwise, I am collaborating with another guy I know in my band activities to make some music to rap to, he's gonna be teaching me how to use OpenMPT as well so I can begin composing too. I am excited about all this.


I have also been having absolute hell with my GI tract as of late. It is making it very hard at points to leave the house. I will be attempting to go to the health centre tomorrow to make an appointment about this stuff. I need to get on top of it.

In other news, an Earth-directed coronal mass ejection happened yesterday. Should arrive by the 15th-16th, giving an aurora show. We had a small CME arrive yesterday and it gave some activity in the northern regions but nothing too spectacular. The problem is since we're coming into May the sun is around so much we only get nautical twilight to view them in and it makes for a more difficult situation to find them.

I stayed out on the lawn chair for 20 minutes yesterday and got sunburned bad! Everyone else did too. The UV index was high. I was wondering if there was a solar flare or something D:

Btw good to see you doing better

That's interesting. I never thought of what Newtus said in terms of m2f trans.

Btw m2f trans that still like females I find to be geniuses and so cool. Very intelligent cool ppl.

Yeah I thought it good to share my experience cause I've lived on both sides of the gender fence.


Haha thanks ^^;

That's weird i was never told to let my feelings out. I was always told if I keep crying they'd give me something to cry about.

Don't tell anyone but the next halfing of bitcoin which happens every 4 years is in 2020 which is when it could rise to 10x the price then crash again.

I swear that this will happen. Mark my words..

I think a lot of people know which is why it went from 6k to 10k this month.

I hope we don't get another mining wave...that was horrific.

Inner conflict with myself. What people tell me and what I believe to be true. When is this Saphris suppose to help? When is treatment suppose to help? Is my premonitions true? Am I really going to die soon? It seems so real. I'm scared. They're telling me I'm going to die soon in my sleep. nothing is calming me down. The dead can predict the future. I'm going to die soon. I'm not ready to die. Death is unpleasant, uncomfortable, and everlasting without inner peace. I want inner peace and then I'd be ready to die. I almost died in my sleep last night. luckily i woke up. I don't want to sleep ever again.

Good morning, it's a rainy day here.

Morning

I asked some people on reddit about my relationship. A couple of people seem to think fiance and I arent compatible. Which makes me very sad.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

My friend stayed over again last night because he was tired. He's still a bit sick. I don't know if we'll see each other again today. It's freezing cold out.

Wow I posted for advice on reddit. I will never do that again. People berated me saying I was a leech and my fiance and I will never be good together.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I somehow took a 3 hour nap

Making cookies

Yeah reddit advice forums are really ******. I'm sorry they said that about you

Keep having intrusive thoughts about like a random thought will pop up, "I want to -___ myself" then I quickly tell myself no I don't. I guess that's generally how that starts, I have thoughts that pop up like that from my subconscious then it becomes an obsession where I think about actually doing it, I'm not going to give in though

Yeah, Newtus I wouldn't ask for advice on reddit for that, there's so many trolls lurking around waiting to say mean stuff to people