Roll Call 167 :)

I have the meatballs and sausage cooking in the crockpot. Have just been playing games

It's nothing compared to what it was yet it seems to be causing the same - If not, more pain and anguish than using 20 different chemicals at the same time.

I'm only using two. 1. Phenibut - Which seems to be a good antidepressant "supplement" and 2. Xanax - Which I'm not taking anymore at a very low dose but getting insomnia as a withdrawal.

I told my doctor so he gave me diazepam to withdraw from it - But because of being at the end of my injection, I wanted to feel better so I took an extra 40mg Vyvanse, stayed up and had to take Xanax for anxiety from it.

Then the alcohol I was just trying for one night to see if it would help - It didn't so I'm done with that.

That's all it is. I don't know why this is giving me problems. What I used to do with chemicals was absolutely ridiculous 30 different drugs but I was severely neglected so no one was checking up on my mental state or anything.

It seems really suspicious to me that reality is so terrifying because I'm a completely honest and authentic person - I don't hide anything. It's really weird. 20-30 different drugs of all kinds and now I use 2-3 and my mental health goes down the drain? Why?

I'm gonna make appointments with my treatment team today. I couldn't yesterday or the day before because I slept in.

And all of the problems with my life make me stressed out and the world.

My mom didn't even wake up so we could go for the hike so I stayed awake for nothing.

Just an idea, but have you tried regular antidepressants? Such as venlafaxine, mirtazapine, etc.? Maybe that would help you with some relief from your symptoms. Also aripiprazole is a good antipsychotic that also helps with depression sometimes... I take aripiprazole. I don't know. I mean this is not medical advice obviously, but it seems like benzos and phenibut are not likely going to solve your symptoms, based on my experience with psych meds... My successful combo of meds included 3-4 prescibed medications at one time. Right now I'm on 3 and I feel pretty good, honestly. I hope you can find some meds and lifestyle stuff that can help you. I'm not trying to steer you in any direction in particular, but rather, just trying to help.

Thanks. I can't take antidepressants because I get dissociation from taking psilocybin.

I'm gonna see my doctor today in 2 hours. I made an appointment. I'm scared because I don't know what to tell him. My mind is blank.

I wish I wasn't me right now.

I'm gonna write everything down that I need to say to him right now..

Good idea! Good luck, I hope it goes well.

This is what I wrote;

"Clydamicin cream
22 zopiclone left
16 vyvanse left
20 days of atenolol left
2x 3 weeks invega sustenna left

I was taking the diazepam once a night every 2-3 nights - There was no problem.

Was at the end of my Invega injection - Which is a big deal after 4 weeks. I had another meltdown or psychotic break like I did on the 15th

After I got my injection, I was waiting for it to kick in so I was taking one PRN olanzepine a day

I was blaming my mom for things - She was never this concerned about me before and used to severely neglect me while I was mentally ill so no one is checking up on my mental state or anything like they are now - So people now notice even the slightest changes that I make to my meds

I took 40mg of Vyvanse (Because I had a bottle of 20 - I’ll bring them back to the pharmacy after this appointment) at 6pm on the 5th of June and stayed up all night - Then took alprazolam to sleep which messed up my tolerance.

I slept in for the next few days because I messed up my sleep schedule by only falling alseep at 3-4am and waking up at 1-2pm so I didn’t make any appointments with my psychiatrist or therapist - Also because I need to prepare what I want to say cuz I’m dealing with so much ****

Last night I tried to go to sleep at 11pm by taking a zopiclone and two shots of wine (Because I ran out of diazepam - The pharmacist recommended to take for a few days then PRN instead of every night for 2 weeks) but it didn’t work so I stayed up until 4am and then went to sleep - By the time I was falling asleep, the cats scratching at the carpet and meowing in the morning woke me up

I decided to get out of bed, cook breakfast and took 40mg of Vyvanse because it’s better than 50mg if I’m hiking

I was going to go on a hike today but my mom is sleeping in so I made an appointment with you

I messed up. I don't really care anymore because no one will take me seriously now."

God I love Pinterest. So many cool recipes

And crockpots are so easy, especially when using liners

I'm so sorry @unsure123

I let my mom read over what I wrote and she wasn't mad. So now I get to tell my doctor that I went over all of this with my mom.

The biggest part about this is that I'm freaking out about it too much. I think it's because of knowing what it's like to be paranoid on weed - Especially when I smoked too much from my moms friends joint while on a hike - I was afraid of anyone knowing that I was high and paranoid. They were laughing and joking and I felt like they were laughing at me.

I told my mom that I'm afraid of people making a big deal about my mental state and judging me and feeling like I need to go to the psych ward.

But everything is fine. What I want out of this appointment is to stay on the same meds but be able to sleep - With either a PRN 5mg diazepam with the zopiclone or change both to temazepam (Because my doctor prefers that to zopiclone but he was on vacation so my moms doctor prescribed me zopiclone because he prefers that over temazepam). I don't want temazepam though because of it's longer half life.

So everything is ok. I'm just sick and tired of this crap and want to not worry about meds and such.

Happy Birthday Job! Hope you are having a fun day!

My therapist called me last night. She is going to call me another time between now and Saturday to check on me. Saturday I have my regular appointment with her. It was good to talk to her. We only talked maybe 5 minutes. I know she was assessing me but it felt good that she cared.

I am going to take Friday off of work. 1) my mom is bugging me about cleaning my room 2) I need a mental health day 3) I don't want to be at work right now. I just want a break. Maybe I will clean my room. Maybe. Then maybe take a walk, do some yoga, sleep in til like 6 AM, have breakfast with my Dad. stuff like that. So only two days of work more and then I'll have three days off. This will be good for me I think.

I got my new cross necklace in from Amazon that I ordered. It's nice. I should have gotten a 22 inch chain instead of a 20 inch chain but I can always do that later. It looks good. It's sterling silver. It's Russian Orthodox. It makes me happy.

Have to pay bills at work today. I'm waiting for the CFO to approve them so I can pay them. It's almost 10 AM and she hasn't approved them yet. Makes me a little stressed.

You deserve some time off =]

Make the best of it!

I'm not working right now which is why I'm really thankful and want to make the best out of it as possible and be productive to finding out what I really want to do - But also sorting out all the crap. I can't focus when I have to deal with so much noise, psychosis and med panic.

Edit: Happy birthday job!

my condolence

The food smells so good

That’s my number one issue with crock pots, you can smell it like 2hrs before it’s ready, lol.