Roll Call 173

newtus · Aug 12, 2020 at 11:07 AM

Bad lighting, sorry. The kitchen light is out.

Sometimes psychotic · Aug 12, 2020 at 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

Bad lighting, sorry. The kitchen light is out.

Actually think they look even better with the unusual lighting.....

Sometimes psychotic · Aug 12, 2020 at 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

Like I logically know people won’t but deep down maybe I dream one day people will just be like “oh now I understand “

It’s really hard for people who haven’t experienced it.....as a result that means you can’t get all your needs met by one person, you need a team of friends and family ...

Blue_Bird · Aug 12, 2020 at 11:40 AM

Took a short walk. It's super hot out. I was gonna walk for longer but I don't think I could have handled it today with the heat. Maybe I could have, Idk. I didn't have my backpack on and I feel naked without it, it's like a security blanket along with my purse. lol At least I got out and walked. The more I do it the easier it will get. I'll take a longer walk tomorrow

Blue_Bird · Aug 12, 2020 at 12:19 PM

Day 3 of no sweets. Had a dream about Reese's last night.

bpcyclist · Aug 12, 2020 at 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

It’s like I have no support anywhere. Except for my dad.

My mom and my fiancé can’t put up with my MI. I get it. No matter how hard I try or what I’ve done tho, it’s always that I’m not doing enough. I wish people understood that tough love or being mean doesn’t do anything for MI. It makes it worse. Because it’s an illness. It has to be treated for the person to understand the words of advice they need.

I don’t get people. I just don’t. My mom and fiancé might’ve both been showing tough love towards me yesterday and today, but their chosen words hurt me badly. Maybe my mom was and maybe my fiancé was just being rude/mean.

My mom told me I need to stop crying about things and just do them. I haven’t cried in awhile? And that advice never helped me ever. If I can’t come to a realization or a meaningful answer to my issues, which does happen for me, then I won’t be able to do anything.

Screw them, newtus--you are doing great.

Desoxyn · Aug 12, 2020 at 02:28 PM

Stayed in bed until noon this morning. I didn't want to wake up in case I have a panic attack.. But I won't as long as I'm focused on the Vyvanse.. But when it wears off, I'm screwed..

I'm trying to be positive but I can't. Yesterday was the worst panic attack I've ever had.

I see my doctor tomorrow.

bpcyclist · Aug 12, 2020 at 02:45 PM

Lovely, newtus.

Normal people do not get us and most don't care, in my experience. Most people really only care about themselves.

Angelique67 · Aug 12, 2020 at 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you by asking

You didn't! It's ok.

Angelique67 · Aug 12, 2020 at 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

Pouring rain out. Will be nice for sleep. I took a walk around the block in my pj's and had to change into new ones.

Hopefully things will be better tomorrow. I got to realize my triggers that cause dissociative panic.

I see my doctor on Thursday. Hopefully he can prescribe some benzos because I'm not sure if my Xanax (Alprazolam) is even real alprazolam.. It could be fake.. Like flualprazolam or something..

I'm going to be honest about everything and hopefully he understands and sorts me out so I don't have a panic attack EVERY NIGHT... My panic attacks are the worst of the worst.. But I've kind of got used to them now.. I just freak out telling everyone "I don't know what to do, where to go" and people say "What do you want to do?" and I say "I don't know.."

It's horrible. But I'll try and get some sleep on 3.5mg of alprazolam and 1mg of lorazepam..

That's exactly how I got when I was young, with the most horrendous anxiety of my life. I hope they'll help you get rid of it.

cogladaid · Aug 12, 2020 at 03:34 PM

So I think I mentioned here last month I contacted the director of data science for the company I work for on linkedin asking for career advice and she said to contact her in August to possibly set up a meeting.

I emailed her today.

Ahhhh!

So nervous now.

I emailed and then immediately shut down my computer.

My social anxiety is hoping that she’ll just email me some info instead of wanting to chat on Microsoft teams.

12AM · Aug 12, 2020 at 03:50 PM

Still having anxiety and almost had another panic attack. I’m sure this all was triggered by my dad’s cousin broke into our house a few days ago. All the doors were locked (because my mom and aunt were away) and he got in using a small door in the backyard. This door is hidden, no one would normally notice. I just woke up and went downstairs when I saw him there. He saw me and was coming closer to shake my hand, he wasn’t wearing a mask and I knew this guy goes to the public places a lot, so I backed off and said “Stay there”. It felt like someone just put a gun on a my head. Not an exaggeration. I felt like my life was in danger. This guy is also mentally unstable. God knows what he could’ve done. He freaked my grandma out because he just came in and took food and just ate there without asking our permission first.

I pity this guy because his family kicked him out due to his inability to meet the family’s standard. My dad’s family have money and power. Most of them are politicians, lawyers, or doctors who got educated in Sorbonne, Oxford, or Harvard, but they are heartless and like to abandon children if they are “unsuccessful”. They like to have this black sheep of the family who they can bully together. This guy and my dad were one of the black sheep. It’s sickening. I’m so proud of my mom for door slamming that family. We might not have the kind of money or power that they have but she raised me and my sister to care about others. Me and my sister are also very loyal to each other unlike my dad’s siblings. But yeah even though I pity him it doesn’t make it acceptable that he broke in like that. He could have called us instead if he needs help and we would help. But then again he’s mentally unstable. My mom called him after that told him to never break in again. I told my mom to just lock the backyard’s door.

Sorry for the long post, just need to get things off my chest. I have so many emotions now I’m struggling to manage them.

Desoxyn · Aug 12, 2020 at 04:07 PM

I sent the letter that I want to say to my doctor including the "benzo log" from the past year to my mom and she printed it out at work.

There's no one that's going to be home on the weekend and that's when I have to work. I'll be alone. My mom said that she will call me to help get myself out of bed.

I feel very calm right now because of the Vyvanse and atenolol. When the Vyvanse wears off, it will be almost time to sleep so I'll just prepare myself for bed and hopefully not panic my brains out and eyes rolling to the back of my head and I die..

I'm gonna focus on technology right now like the new phones and tablets.. I want to get a good tablet like the new iPad Pro.

falcon09 · Aug 12, 2020 at 04:55 PM

drinking some coffee

Blue_Bird · Aug 12, 2020 at 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by falcon09

drinking some coffee

Yum! I😃☕️

Blue_Bird · Aug 12, 2020 at 06:02 PM

I feel paranoid.

bpcyclist · Aug 12, 2020 at 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I feel paranoid.

Hugs, Blue!

bpcyclist · Aug 12, 2020 at 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 12AM

Still having anxiety and almost had another panic attack. I’m sure this all was triggered by my dad’s cousin broke into our house a few days ago. All the doors were locked (because my mom and aunt were away) and he got in using a small door in the backyard. This door is hidden, no one would normally notice. I just woke up and went downstairs when I saw him there. He saw me and was coming closer to shake my hand, he wasn’t wearing a mask and I knew this guy goes to the public places a lot, so I backed off and said “Stay there”. It felt like someone just put a gun on a my head. Not an exaggeration. I felt like my life was in danger. This guy is also mentally unstable. God knows what he could’ve done. He freaked my grandma out because he just came in and took food and just ate there without asking our permission first.

I pity this guy because his family kicked him out due to his inability to meet the family’s standard. My dad’s family have money and power. Most of them are politicians, lawyers, or doctors who got educated in Sorbonne, Oxford, or Harvard, but they are heartless and like to abandon children if they are “unsuccessful”. They like to have this black sheep of the family who they can bully together. This guy and my dad were one of the black sheep. It’s sickening. I’m so proud of my mom for door slamming that family. We might not have the kind of money or power that they have but she raised me and my sister to care about others. Me and my sister are also very loyal to each other unlike my dad’s siblings. But yeah even though I pity him it doesn’t make it acceptable that he broke in like that. He could have called us instead if he needs help and we would help. But then again he’s mentally unstable. My mom called him after that told him to never break in again. I told my mom to just lock the backyard’s door.

Sorry for the long post, just need to get things off my chest. I have so many emotions now I’m struggling to manage them.

Ugh. So sorry.

Regardless of your faith, there is a damn good reason Jesus said it was easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Truer words were never spoken--as usual.

Desoxyn · Aug 12, 2020 at 07:25 PM

Still focused. No panic attack.

Not sure what to do though.

newtus · Aug 12, 2020 at 07:25 PM

I’m so sorry 12

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Roll Call 173

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newtus The Dopamine Flux Member Since Jun 2010 Location: Ardenweald Posts: 43,644 (SuperPoster!) 14 867 hugs given	Aug 12, 2020 at 11:07 AM #221 Bad lighting, sorry. The kitchen light is out. __________________ "We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living" The Dopamine Flux www.thedopamineflux.com Youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII
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Blue_Bird Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2013 Location: Middle Earth Posts: 37,504 (SuperPoster!) 11 15k hugs given	Aug 12, 2020 at 12:19 PM #225 Day 3 of no sweets. Had a dream about Reese's last night. __________________ “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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Desoxyn Metaphysic Member Since Aug 2016 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 13,030 (SuperPoster!) 8 4,931 hugs given	Aug 12, 2020 at 02:28 PM #227 Stayed in bed until noon this morning. I didn't want to wake up in case I have a panic attack.. But I won't as long as I'm focused on the Vyvanse.. But when it wears off, I'm screwed.. I'm trying to be positive but I can't. Yesterday was the worst panic attack I've ever had. I see my doctor tomorrow.
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bpcyclist Legendary Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Portland Posts: 12,681 (SuperPoster!) 5 40.2k hugs given	Aug 12, 2020 at 02:45 PM #228 Lovely, newtus. Normal people do not get us and most don't care, in my experience. Most people really only care about themselves. __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield
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falcon09 Grand Magnate Member Since Feb 2015 Location: United States Posts: 3,022 9 1,869 hugs given	Aug 12, 2020 at 04:55 PM #234 drinking some coffee __________________
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Blue_Bird Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2013 Location: Middle Earth Posts: 37,504 (SuperPoster!) 11 15k hugs given	Aug 12, 2020 at 06:02 PM #236 I feel paranoid. __________________ “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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Desoxyn Metaphysic Member Since Aug 2016 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 13,030 (SuperPoster!) 8 4,931 hugs given	Aug 12, 2020 at 07:25 PM #239 Still focused. No panic attack. Not sure what to do though.
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newtus The Dopamine Flux Member Since Jun 2010 Location: Ardenweald Posts: 43,644 (SuperPoster!) 14 867 hugs given	Aug 12, 2020 at 07:25 PM #240 I’m so sorry 12 __________________ "We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living" The Dopamine Flux www.thedopamineflux.com Youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII
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