Roll Call 173

I feel cognitively damaged. I kind of half give up.

How bad can my cognition get? It seems hopeless.

Why do you feel like your cognition is bad?

It's probably just work taking out all of my energy. I only work 4-5 hours so I can't believe how bad it would be to work 8 hours.

No one should work 8 hours -> That's ridiculous. No one NEEDS to work that much. It's basically companies just milking people dry.

Because I can't do things.. It's been this way since I was 12 when negative symptoms started.

It's like I'm trapped inside a body that can't move.

I hear you on that. I used to have TERRIBLE negative symptoms. I couldn't even talk to people at different times and my verbal fluency was horrible. What got me out of that was, strangely, antidepressants being prescribed for me instead of only antipsychotics. Meaning that I take antipsychotics and antidepressants now and my verbal fluency is back. It's taken a super long time (~11 years) but I think I finally have the right balance of meds.

Antidepressants mess with my heart and give me dissociation.

I don't get it. I want a different environment. I'm tired and exhausted. I'm not as smart as people say/think I am - Otherwise I would have not been so easily manipulated by my ex step dad. He was smarter than me.

Something just don't seem right. I'm scare to go anywhere. I think I may need the hospital because I feel like running off.

I feel considerably better after taking olanzapine for a few days. I guess that stuff really works.

It helps with my illogical beliefs and thoughts and paranoia and other symptoms I was having. Such as changing my mind constantly.

I think meds do work to a certain extent. I know I can do things to influence my mood positively, and I have trouble doing that sometimes, but I like trying to do something positive for myself in that regard. Like today I just sat and listened to music for a while. I have a record player so I like using that.

I also think meds aren't everything. I think for me, I have to institute other things in my life to be happy. Like meaningful stuff. Like intellectual curiosity, for me, is important. And music and stuff like that. Writing, too.

Thanks newtus i tried, but haven’t been able to get to sleep. It’s 8:41pm now so I’m hoping that soon once my night meds kick in I can sleep. I set like 5 alarms for tomorrow morning.

I'm in hell

I suppose I'll just listen to music and chill

slipping between reality and psychosis

dont know if i need hospital

Maybe you'll feel better after sleep. I hope so.

I got to see my friend through the window yesterday, it was a tonic! It cheered me up. Now though I have anxiety through the roof.

They've lost two pairs of jeans in the past two weeks. Plus some small implements like a tweezers, and a small mirror. But I'm worried my friend will be terribly pissed off at me because I asked him to send me 10 one liters of soda. I hope he won't get upset. Life is just easier here with lots of soda. It gives me a reason to get up in the morning.

I have one pair of pants left, but they're like black denim, opaque and kind of tight.

I don't know what to do about my missing pants. Lean heavier on the laundry staff I guess, in a polite way.

Everyone seems to not be doing well.

*hugs* everyone

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I seem to be better off with no alcohol in the house. When I don’t have alcohol everything is fine and I barely want alcohol. When I have alcohol in the house I feel this impulsive need to just drink it.

My sister drank some of the tequila but I went through a box of wine and most of a bottle of tequila in like a week. Ugh. I’m better off without it.

I'm like you in that way with the vape and soda - Except for me it's chemicals/molecules/drugs/meds. They give me something to think about and helps with negative symptoms of not being able to do much.

The only issue is if the ones you add on are undermining the ones you are prescribed, and from what I observe, you don't have that problem now. If you went back to THC and mushrooms, that could badly affect you. Even though you're going through a bad patch, you have the sense to avoid hallucinogens.

I am a sugar addict. Sometimes I wonder if it is starting to make me sick but I hope not.

I don’t know whether to do the intensive outpatient program or not to do it. Help me decide?

Yeah I thought of smoking weed yesterday but I've learned from past experiences that that's a bad idea.. So I didn't..

It just takes a while for me to learn. I have low dose mush capsules but I'm gonna wait until my depersonalization/derealization is gone and I've learned more about meditation/spirituality - This may be a year or two.

I'm incredibly honest to everyone in my life about these things. Ketamine nasal spray would be good because it worked in January - March of last year.

Idk how good I was doing last year but it was better than this year. I was having psychosis when I lowered the Invega Sustenna injection to 4 weeks but it's back to every 3 weeks now again.

So far my meds are keeping me stable and I'm very cautious about what I do now (Because of the bad trip making me fear death so much - I hallucinated a skull and crossbones, maggots, scorpions, spiders, etc).

So far so good. Eventually I'll move to the west coast of Canada and can have a nice environment and be able to go to school.

I told my doctor about ketamine and he said that one guy in town gets infusions but he wants to check with my psychiatrist to make sure that it's a good idea. I can't get a hold of my psychiatrist but will try to again this week. Ketamine doesn't harm me because it's just a dissociative but psychedelics do.