Roll Call 174

Sometimes psychotic · Sep 03, 2020 at 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Yes definitely, I'll have to get Nintendo Online subscription first but once I do I'll let you know and you can come visit. I've only put 20 hours into my island so far so I'm still just beginning and there's not much to see but it would be cool to have a visitor

Well my island is nonexistent so far.....lol

newtus · Sep 03, 2020 at 12:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Getting Animal crossing first....maybe I can visit your island?

Sometimes psychotic · Sep 03, 2020 at 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

Why sad? I want to see your island too!

Desoxyn · Sep 03, 2020 at 01:30 PM

Vyvanse and coffee kicked in. Bought more nicotine gum.

It's cloudy outside - I wish it was sunny. Oh well.

newtus · Sep 03, 2020 at 01:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Why sad? I want to see your island too!

newtus · Sep 03, 2020 at 01:31 PM

I hurt my knee somehow, pretty bad. Fck.

newtus · Sep 03, 2020 at 01:43 PM

Yuhhhhssssssssss!

Finally moved from step 2 (complete your file) to step 3 (eligibility review and award notice) for financial aid at college. I stayed at step 2 for a month because they failed to tell me some documents were missing.

Finally tho! I turned in the rest of the documents and hour again and moved up a step. Yuhhhhssssssirrr!!!

Can’t wait for this tuition refund. It should help out so muchhh.

newtus · Sep 03, 2020 at 02:01 PM

Pretty sure my spine is very fckd up from my weight.

newtus · Sep 03, 2020 at 02:05 PM

Just thinking about everything. My health, my car needs tires... I can’t drive it right now, my mom buying this house, if these people I met in this city even like me truly ...I don’t think they do, being jobless, my mental health, my writing I never do anymore, lack of stuff coming from my writing to begin with... making pennies on the dollar, living situation that I got a week to figure out, how I can continue to afford therapy that I really need, just so much and more I haven’t listed.

Fck man

Desoxyn · Sep 03, 2020 at 02:33 PM

Newtus you're doing good. You seem like a person that will be worrying much less in the future. This is the struggle right now.. THE s-t-r-u-g-g-l-l-l-l-l-e-e-e

Never give up!

For me too.. I have nothing figured out right now and the video chat people grilled me. My sister grilled me for changing my online courses - I stood there with my face all red - Like what the hell do I do? People need to stop putting thoughts into my head..

The meaning of life is to just be alive - OMG my cat meows at me..

But you can do anything you want. Anything you damn please - You make what is right or wrong with the pressure of society weighing down on you - Like a form of mind control.

I believe that mind control is needed because even 100-200 years ago, people were savages, dying from diseases - The future is going to be great with technology and medical technology.. So be healthy, don't smoke, exercise.. I'm going on a hike with my mom after she gets home from work.

There's only so much that I can do... I have no idea what to do - Well I do but there's so many things.. I think about being an entrepreneur because spending my time working for just enough to live really triggers me especially other people (And I know that it shouldn't) - Like "I only have 3 dollars in my bank account" - I don't get it.. Stop buying drugs then. I had the money to buy drugs - If I didn't, I wouldn't have.. That's why my mom controls my money.

But imagine.. Working full time - Asexual, depression.. That's what I did for a while.. I was thinking dark af thoughts - "I can see your smile" *Puts on fake smile*...

I feel like my ex step dad and what he did to me was so serious that I lost a lot of my sense of humour. I used to be so popular in school because I was funny - In class, yard, on the bus.. My teacher said (Before I left Ireland), "I hope you don't lose that unique sense of humour that you have" - I barely remember things but that's one thing that I remembered..

My ex step dad wasn't funny. And I think the opposite of humour is FEAR - Like when I smoke too much weed - I think that everyone is laughing at me when they're laughing.

I just need to learn to relax - I coped the wrong way using Xanax and that's why I ended up in the hospital maybe - But also because of what the soldiers and cyptro investor said with OCD thoughts driving me nuts to no end about it - Because partially, they made me realize things that normal people realized before me at this age or just basic common sense.

I have very little common sense because my brain is using a lot of efficiency for other things - Like solving, analyzing, feeling, avoiding pain, embarrassment, trying to survive in this culture. I'm nihilistic sometimes and have odd thoughts that are disconnected from culture.

If only I could just figure things out instead of having so much anxiety. Sometimes I'd like to press fast forward on my life to get to the possible better part - But the obvious idea is to live in the moment - The struggle, never give up and keep going forward.

I can never think of things at the top of my head when I explain what I do to people because it's not connected - I think that's why I get so solipsistic. I need people to see who I am in a way that isn't wrong, authentically - Yet people say I lie and am ********ting them when they don't know me. It's basically what a zen master does.. You sit alone and do nothing for hours - You can't fall asleep or drift into a trance. I'm always asleep or in a trance so maybe meditation would be good.

Ah nvm ignore me

Angelique67 · Sep 03, 2020 at 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I think I gotta tell T on Saturday that I'm stuck. I'm stuck and I'm tired of pushing through which is what it feels like I'm doing and I just want to disengage from everything and everyone and go back to bad coping mechanisms. I feel like I'm going to relapse or fall apart or maybe both. This is bad timing as my parents are going away this weekend. I need to keep it together this weekend. But I'm exhausted to the bone of just pushing through. I need someone to carry me for a while. I feel like my nephew must have felt like after a long day at Disneyland where he sat his butt down on the ground and did not want to move. I couldn't carry him because we already had his little brother to carry and the packages and everyone's stuff so he had to walk. I was like, "Honey, I'm so sorry but you have to get up and walk to the tram. You have to. I can't carry you." But when we drove home I carried him from the car to the bed because he was just done. That's how I am: done. Except it hasn't been a fun old day at Disneyland. I know I need to text my support people but I'm tired of doing that too. I just want to **** up. And then have to deal with the fall out even if it means hospitalization. But I know that's just part of me talking because I really don't want to be hospitalized so I have to have to have to pull it together. **** it!

Hugs, Kit.

Blue_Bird · Sep 03, 2020 at 03:36 PM

I've had a lot less panic attacks since I stopped drinking coffee

Blue_Bird · Sep 03, 2020 at 05:02 PM

Made plans to have coffee with my sister at Denny's next month. (I still drink it on special occasions)

Blue_Bird · Sep 03, 2020 at 05:20 PM

Have a dentist appointment Tuesday. Sucks. Oh well, I need to get the rest of those fillings done. It will probably be done over a series of appointments.

I feel good. Have a lot of cleaning to do tomorrow, and laundry.

I'm wearing my Halloween pajamas. They're super comfortable.

Sometimes psychotic · Sep 03, 2020 at 05:34 PM

Finally I feel a little better...go some of my readings done for class so I’m not as swamped......

newtus · Sep 03, 2020 at 05:53 PM

Took an ativan and Took a nap. Feel a bit better. Don’t wanna jinx it.

WastingAsparagus · Sep 03, 2020 at 05:54 PM

Not doing so great today. I guess I got myself into a bit of a situation at school. Apparently I wasn't supposed to talk to the head of the uni. I guess I screwed up. Now someone in my department is pissed apparently.

Though I did realize, I was doing a LOT better earlier this year. It could have been when I switched therapists when I started to slide. I think that's true. Because the therapist from before was a lot better. I don't know why I switched, quite honestly. I kind of wish I could be back with my therapist who I was seeing earlier in the year. She's just a better therapist overall.

Desoxyn · Sep 03, 2020 at 05:57 PM

Feeling quite sad. If only I could feel like this for longer instead of being so numb and in a dysphoric type of hypomania all the time and anxious.

Maybe it's the olanzepine. If so, good.

WastingAsparagus · Sep 03, 2020 at 06:00 PM

It also seems like my computer is about to fry. Like it's running super hot and this is not good. I would hate to lose my computer right now especially. I think I'm completely insane right now. I'm worrying about my computer instead of myself. The ironic thing is that the meds have been increased. And I feel this way right now.

Desoxyn · Sep 03, 2020 at 06:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WastingAsparagus

It also seems like my computer is about to fry. Like it's running super hot and this is not good. I would hate to lose my computer right now especially. I think I'm completely insane right now. I'm worrying about my computer instead of myself. The ironic thing is that the meds have been increased. And I feel this way right now.

My computer and phone are like parts of my brain.

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Roll Call 174

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Desoxyn Metaphysic Member Since Aug 2016 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 13,024 (SuperPoster!) 8 4,929 hugs given	Sep 03, 2020 at 01:30 PM #404 Vyvanse and coffee kicked in. Bought more nicotine gum. It's cloudy outside - I wish it was sunny. Oh well.
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newtus The Dopamine Flux Member Since Jun 2010 Location: Ardenweald Posts: 43,644 (SuperPoster!) 14 867 hugs given	Sep 03, 2020 at 01:31 PM #406 I hurt my knee somehow, pretty bad. Fck. __________________ "We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living" The Dopamine Flux www.thedopamineflux.com Youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII
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newtus The Dopamine Flux Member Since Jun 2010 Location: Ardenweald Posts: 43,644 (SuperPoster!) 14 867 hugs given	Sep 03, 2020 at 02:01 PM #408 Pretty sure my spine is very fckd up from my weight. __________________ "We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living" The Dopamine Flux www.thedopamineflux.com Youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII
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Blue_Bird Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2013 Location: Middle Earth Posts: 37,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 14.9k hugs given	Sep 03, 2020 at 03:36 PM #412 I've had a lot less panic attacks since I stopped drinking coffee __________________ “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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Blue_Bird Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2013 Location: Middle Earth Posts: 37,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 14.9k hugs given	Sep 03, 2020 at 05:02 PM #413 Made plans to have coffee with my sister at Denny's next month. (I still drink it on special occasions) __________________ “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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Sometimes psychotic Legendary Wise Elder Member Since May 2013 Location: Chicago Posts: 26,422 (SuperPoster!) 11 22.8k hugs given	Sep 03, 2020 at 05:34 PM #415 Finally I feel a little better...go some of my readings done for class so I’m not as swamped...... __________________ Hugs!
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newtus The Dopamine Flux Member Since Jun 2010 Location: Ardenweald Posts: 43,644 (SuperPoster!) 14 867 hugs given	Sep 03, 2020 at 05:53 PM #416 Took an ativan and Took a nap. Feel a bit better. Don’t wanna jinx it. __________________ "We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living" The Dopamine Flux www.thedopamineflux.com Youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII
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Desoxyn Metaphysic Member Since Aug 2016 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 13,024 (SuperPoster!) 8 4,929 hugs given	Sep 03, 2020 at 05:57 PM #418 Feeling quite sad. If only I could feel like this for longer instead of being so numb and in a dysphoric type of hypomania all the time and anxious. Maybe it's the olanzepine. If so, good.
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